In The Quiet

D.C. is a place full of noise; ambition, and ladders to climb…

But there are certain places you find that make you remember that there is more than that when you find the quiet.

The Jefferson Memorial sits beside the basin of the Potomac, looking towards the Washington Monument that stands as a beacon in the city. It’s quiet there. Couples will sit on the steps and talk about their hopes and dreams…some of us will eat ice cream and talk for hours about what we want to be.

Behind the Lincoln Memorial, you will find a quiet spot to rest, as the crowds swarm inside to get a peak of Lincoln and his gigantic frame.

There are the places that go untouched…and one of those secluded places is Theodore Roosevelt’s Island. It sits on the Potomac, where you have to take a walking bridge to get to the inside. There, in the heart of the island, you will find Theodore Roosevelt, looming ahead with his arm raised.

Behind him, there is a series of quote on Youth.

“I want to see you game, boys, I want to see you brave and manly, and I also want to see you gentle and tender. (Address at Friends School, Washington, DC, May 24, 1907) • Be practical as well are generous in your ideals. Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground. (Speech at Prize Day Exercises at Groton School, Groton, MA, May 24 1904) • Courage, hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort are all essential to successful life. (America and the World War, 1915) • Alike for the nation and the individual, the one indispensable requisite is character. (American Ideals, 1897).”

At 42, Roosevelt became the youngest man to serve as president when McKinley was assassinated in 1901. He was a progressive, championing the Square Deal, and mediated the Treaty of Portsmouth to end the Russo-Japanese War, along with that he wanted to preserve our national resources with national parks, forests, and monuments. He remains one of the top five presidents in popularity.

Sitting in the middle of the island, those quotes ring out as a quiet reminder to those who can find the secluded spot, that the generation to come must be brave. We must have courage; hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort. We must have character as the heart of our nation turns some of us into the villains we despise and some of us into the heroes we never thought we could be.

When I read these quotes I feel a sense of urgency. My life hasn’t been easy, easier than some, but everyone experiences trials and hardships.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Teddy says courage. Courage to stand up when it counts. Courage to sit down and listen. Courage to take leaps when you are not sure what the outcome will be. Courage to place in yourself and others.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

The youth in us all dares to dream. But Teddy says to be mindful. Keep your feet planted in reality.

Work hard. Even when the going gets tough and you have to keep on. Sometimes their will seem to be no benefit to all the trying.

But keep going.

Teddy says to be a master of your own self. Not others.

He wants to see you have intelligent effort. He didn’t say to be smarter than everyone else. No one cares about how much you know until they see how much you care.

And add that all together…character is the indispensable requisite to life.

Don’t let the world steal you away; the ladder of ambition is ceaseless but the higher the fall.

Be kind. Be brave.

Step into adulthood with those qualities.

“A man’s usefulness depends upon his living up to his ideals in so far as he can. (A Letter to Dr. Sturgis Bigelow, March 29, 1898) • It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. (The Strenuous Life, 1900) • All daring and courage, all iron endurance of misfortune make for a finer and nobler type of manhood. (Address to Naval War College, June 2, 1897) • Only those are fit to live who do not fear to die: and none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. (The Great Adventure, 1918).”

I use to wonder why the secluded monuments were the best. It’s because they are quiet and don’t hold as much people. You can sit and reflect.

There is a reason the water fountain in the center of the World War II Memorial is loud enough to drown out the noise of the people talking.

In the quiet we find what we need. We find understanding and empathy.

So if your on Teddy’s little island one of these days or in a secluded spot that no one really knows about in D.C.

Walk around.

Sit.

Listen.

You may find yourself some peace as you sit in the quiet.

Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

Focus.

That word popped into my brain as I was driving into town for the what seemed like the fifteenth time today.

But more on that later.

You see, my computer died. After spending a good amount of two days trying to get it to work; restarting it and troubleshooting like it was my only goal in life (because at the time it was), after taking it into Geek Squad and having it miraculously work on the cold black countertop and having the dude look at me like I was crazy, I went back home to have the same grey folder and white screen blinking at me yet again. I called tech support at Apple, only to have them tell me the same things I already tried. Props to the guy I talked too though. At least I had a fun fifteen minute phone conversation despite not getting the problem solved. I was informed I should come work for Apple since I seem to be quite tech savvy.

Now, back to driving in the car.

So I decided to just take it into Geek Squad once again…hoping to God that it wouldn’t work once I sat it on the holy grail of black countertops. Kind of a weird thing to hope for but I was about ready to throw my computer out of the moving car. I was that fed up. Plus, I didn’t want to look like a crazy person again.

Focus.

After some deep soul searching and praying over my laptop for it to work, I came to the realization rather quickly that I’m not focusing on the right things in my life.

You wouldn’t think a MacBook Pro would drive a wedge between you and God but I tell ya, we had it out these past couple of days. Not only with the laptop situation but with other things in life that just haven’t been working out as I have hoped.

I realized that I need to focus on what’s important and maybe God took the ultimate time consumer in my life away for a reason. I very good reason.

So I could focus on the important parts of my life; the most important being Jesus.

God demands our attention. Months can go by with me getting too caught up in myself, until one day everything stops and I’m picking up the pieces, crying cause I just don’t understand why God can be so uncaring.

Silly.

I know.

It takes me a bit to realize how uncaring I am toward the One who cares so much for me. What right do I have to be angry at how unfair life is?

Is it really that bad?

I asked myself this question tonight as a few tears slowly drew a line down my cheeks.

Part of me wants to say yes while the other part of me wants to say no.

I isolate myself in pathetic solitude. I let my worries and doubts encompass my feelings. I don’t trust people and sadly…I’ve begun to not trust Jesus. I think my anxieties are high priority and everything that relates to personal gain. But maybe if I just stop.

Yes. Just stop for a moment and realize the goodness in my life.

To realize the goodness despite.

Despite. The key word in my intricate personal battle of feelings.

I know I can’t justify my feelings because they are just that…feelings.

To just stop and focus.

To stop focusing on myself so much.

Jesus does so much for me. He gives and He takes away. Not because He loves me less, but because He loves me so much and gave me a life that only I could handle. A life so small in retrospect when it’s compared to all the other lives being lived, but it’s mine nonetheless, and still just as important and worth living.

So, I am humbled. Will tomorrow come with another new set of struggles and lessons to learn? Of course. But if I just focus on Jesus and the goodness, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end obviously.

Okay, so my life lesson came in the form of a broken computer and hundreds of dollars worth of repair fees…and if that’s what it takes to bring me to my knees, then so be it.

First Impressions.

It’s strange that I have lived in this area my entire life, but I suddenly feel like a stranger in the confines of downtown *insert city*. I’ve been a fan of my college football team since I was little. I’ve walked along these now not so familiar streets and felts fine up until now. I am carrying a backpack; I’m rushing from one class to the next. I’m a student of this large, intricate community called the University of *insert state* and I don’t know how I feel about it yet.

At my community college it wasn’t hard to fit into the small crevice I found myself in. It’s not hard now. Actually, it’s mostly the same. We still wait in the halls for class to start in silent nervousness. No one makes eye contact with each other on the streets. Class discussions are still forced rather then flowing. We are still just trying to get through these next couple years with as little damage to our grades as possibly. Yet…something feels different.

Maybe it’s just me.

Maybe my attitude has changed for the better. I realize that these last two years of college are extremely important.

Not because I need scholarships and good grades (all of which would be great to have) but because after this my future starts or stays the same.
I fear the word “same” and yet I still get nervous over the word “change” and fear the word “future” as much as I do the present. Because as much as I don’t like the present, I keep hoping toward this future that has something more then 8 hour shifts and working a job that doesn’t hold any of my interests except money.

As much as I love money, I realized quickly that money won’t make me happy, neither will my physical surroundings. It’s what’s inside that matters. What values I hold and what I believe in. How willing am I to live a life where I’m standing up for what is good instead of sitting down and staying silent?

The easiest is staying silent. That’s more comfortable, more safe. But I don’t want “comfortable”. I want to break out of this comfort zone that only goes a few feet out my front door.

These last two years are important because this is my time to build up my resume. To volunteers and get internships. I’m in the major, but that’s not enough. I have to pursue all of these things in order to proceed in the career path I’ve chosen.

I know I sound hopeful (maybe a little desperate). But let me tell you, I’m scared. But as much as I’m scared of this new school that I have grown up around my entire life…I want to succeed.

But first I have to try.

A New Year

Happy New Year!

I was sitting at my desk on New Year’s Eve thinking about what to write…but all that came out was an emotional spilling that just made me feel sorry and discontent.

Now that we have crossed the threshold into 2016 and my mind isn’t bubbling with nostalgia, I’m going to just sit here for a little bit and try to figure out what I can say that hasn’t already been said on this dear little corner of mine.

To be honest, because I usually am…2016 looks pretty much the same as 2015. There are still things to accomplish and fears to face, but maybe I can have a stronger, more sure step this year then in 2015.

By all means, I’m 20 years old now. Maybe I will give you some wise insight from this unwise mind of mine and tell you what I have learned over the past year.

The first thing is that I have grown. Not in height sadly, but in maturity…although even that doesn’t look like much sometimes. I’ve learned to let go of things and people that at the time I thought I could never let go of. I’ve learned to say no but also yes…I can’t tell you which is the scariest to say. I’ve also learned to ask for help when needed…and that is probably the hardest thing for me to do. I’ve made friends that will last a lifetime, met new people; gone new places & revisited the familiar.

And even with all the bad…I can say that it was a good year and I really do have a wonderful life.

But you see, my year of change really didn’t happen. I found that this “threshold” I talked about in my last New Year post wasn’t really a threshold, but a barrier. A barrier that still needs to be overcome, that sometimes I can break through, but inevitably comes back up again.

That barrier is me and circumstance. It’s a constant battle. I talk all big about opportunity and change, but when the moment arrives for this said change and opportunity to happen, I get scared. My social anxiety gets the better of me. I make up every excuse in the book. I run and hide because that is my instinct. And I realize this. But it doesn’t make it easier to breakdown my barrier. Not even the changing of the year will make a difference because it’s what inside me…not in the year.

Tomorrow I will still be the same. The difference is what 365 days will bring until we are back here again, reminiscing about the bulk of it all, compacted into 2016.

But I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t want to measure by the length of days, but by how deep the day is. I want my accomplishments and activities to have more meaning then how many. If you understand what I am saying. The thing is, as much as I have grown in 2015, one never stops growing. My maturity level probably went up a few centimeters, but it still has a long ways to go. These barriers, probably will be my struggle for the rest of my life. Whether that be my anxiety or stress…or whatever emotional or physical state I go up against. But I can rest easy for I have the ultimate force on my side that will never leave me. My faith. My Jesus. My Savior. It all comes down to Him. No matter what this life has in store, when the act of trying doesn’t seem good enough; when my heart feels worn and heavy, can I not give it all to Him? My prayers, my praise, everything that I do. I know it’s easier to say, that when it comes down to it, how many moments of the day do I forget Him in the middle of call lights, bubble sheets, early mornings and frost bitten cheeks? My grumbling heart never ceases to be discontent, but His love is steadfast…and how underserving I am of it!

This morning I heard something on the radio that caused me to think, and pardon my paraphrasing (it might not be correct). The radio announcer said something along the lines that life is full of good opportunities but that doesn’t mean those opportunities are guaranteed good outcomes. So maybe that is my lesson to go forth into this new year that is already four days old. Life isn’t fair, it holds lots of opportunities to go out and chase, but there is no guarantee that the outcomes will go in my favor. The only guarantee in this life is Jesus and what’s in store of us in Heaven.

~ Trudi