Finding Joy in My Path

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

Today I had my last class ever at the University of Iowa. Next week, I will face finals and then I will graduate with my Bachelors in Political Science.

I’m looking at my cap and gown hanging on the wall as I write this. I’m thinking about seventeen when I graduated high school, and how fast those years went by…from community college, to becoming a certified nursing assistant, changing my major a million times, transferring to the University of Iowa, working on several campaigns, being an intern, traveling the country, and so much more.

It was a roller coaster, but I made it, and the changes to come are sweeping me away.

Away from Iowa. Away from the only place I have called home.

It’s strange how nothing changes and then everything changes all at once. Your heart tugs you different places and makes all these plans, but then God directs your steps, despite if it doesn’t make sense or it’s not what you want.

He is leading me down this path that is scary and excited at the same time and all I can do is trust Him and have patience.

I pray that I find joy in my path though.

Every decision I have made in life has been calculated, weighted, stressed over, reevaluated, back and forth, yes and no.
Don’t do this because it doesn’t make sense. Do this because it looks good. Make these decisions based on what people will think of you. Don’t do what you actually want to do because people will judge you.

Maybe it’s because I am always thinking about what others will think of me and I let let my fears and anxieties rule me, that I forget to trust Jesus…and to find joy in my path.

My path of life. My career path. My relationships.

I worry, over excessively. I make myself miserable to the point I cannot stand myself.

I woke up and I wasn’t seventeen anymore, starting college. I let these years past by stressing about money, trying to make all the right choices, working overtime while going to school full time.

I woke up at 22 realizing that I let it slip through my fingers. The joy I could have had in learning and thriving, but I didn’t. I let my joy slip through my fingers far too often. I stumped my growth to the point that when my senior year came around, I could not care less. I was tired and worn thin.

But now I’m graduating.

I don’t have all the answers in life, nor what the Lord has in store for me as I go on this new path. I just know that if I do not find joy along the way, no matter what path I’m on, I will be disheartened, miserable, and worn by the end.

So I’m trusting God as I walk this new path, that no matter what comes my way, I will face it with a spirit of grace, joy and, most importantly, peace.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

My Heart

I just want to be honest. I realize that admitting to my imperfections won’t make me a better person. I realize that saying “I’m only human” is kind of a lame excuse as well. I am human. I am Trudi. One of a kind, but not my own. I am a child of God, a sinner saved by grace in need of constant forgiveness by a constant forgiver. Jesus.

I know it is a Sunday school answer. But it is the truth. Jesus is the answer to every struggling, fearing, anxious heart. It doesn’t mean the life of being a Christian is easy. In fact, the simplicity of loving Jesus and giving it all over to Him is complicated because we make it complicated.

Because we are humans. We are so set on making simple answer complex, but it’s actually really easy and it’s okay that the answer is easy. It doesn’t make the process easier. It doesn’t make believing it easier. It just means we know the answer to all our wants and needs in this life is easy but do we live the answer as if we believe that Jesus is truly the answer to our problems?

No. We don’t.

I am going to lay out a piece of my heart right now that I hope won’t be trampled on. I am going to admit one of my many worldly struggles.

Makeup.

Self worth.

Wanting to appear as something I’m not.

Wanting to appear perfect to others.

I realized that every time I bought more makeup, my heart was instantaneously happy. I always had trouble with my outward appearance and how I appeared to others, that this instant gratification with makeup (as well as clothing) made me feel better about myself.

But it didn’t make me a different person.

I can put on all the fine clothes and as much makeup as my heart desired. I could cover up the dark circles under my eyes, but my tired heart still showed through. Deep inside I am the person I don’t like and it’s harder to change the person inside then it is outward.

That was when I realized it was a heart issue. My heart longs for perfection, but there is no perfection outside of Christ and His love for us. I idealize how I wish to look, or how I wish to appear to others as an all together well rounded and “I have everything figured out with my life” type of person but the truth is, I could list a million things that went wrong with my heart today and my time.

But I’m not going to do that.

Because I’m not pointing my imperfections out to make me seem like a humble person. I’m not humble. I’m selfish. I can go on and say that everything is okay because Jesus loves me and I love Him, but you and I both know that the struggle is still there. The constant choice to love Him or love myself.

Or put others before Him simply because I care more about what other people think then Jesus.

Oh, but now that I’ve realized this, everything is okay now and tomorrow Jesus will be put first in everything that I do.

Wrong. Because I know tomorrow my imperfect heart will lead me astray.

But thankfully, Jesus saved, saves and will always save.

So, I’m done covering up my heart with the metaphorical makeup that washes away. Jesus is permanent in this temporary existence to eternity. He is and will always be.

A Single White Girl

I hate reading blogs about how to be single. I don’t like it when girls will post “Jesus is My Valentine” on Valentines Day or clog Pinterest with “How To Be Single 101”, “10 Fun Thing To Do While Your Single”, “Solo Date Ideas” and “Being Single Isn’t a Status, It Means Your Strong & Independent”.

It’s like, thanks for giving me a list. I’m glad to know there are 10 whole things a single person can do for fun. It just seems that single people, woman to be more specific, find a way to either embrace singleness with a sort of defiance like “SCREW MEN!” type of attitudes and then others are like kidding themselves by saying “Oh, prince charming will come for me eventually”.

He’s not coming on a white steed because 1) Princes don’t exist (they do, but come on, they usually come in the form of party boy Prince Harry) and 2) Your not a princess. Stop kidding yourself.

Also being single isn’t some kind of “choice”, it’s just a circumstance we women find ourselves in that we either can accept with grace and poise or we can eye every eligible man we encounter with some kind of barbaric insanity because we have been labeled “single and alone”.

I’m not saying I have never said those two lines above…I have. A lot actually because there is some kind of humorous sarcasm behind it that means “I’m saying this because it could or could not be true…HAHA. Just kidding…or am I?”

Let’s have a moment of silence and a few tears because this dude doesn’t exist in real life.

You know what annoys me? Is when all of your friends are single, but then that one friend gets a boyfriend and you never see them again, and all of their posts on social media are based on the sole fact that so-so is in a relationship and look at those ADORABLE pictures and quoting song lyrics that just fit their relationship PERFECTLY.

I guess this post isn’t helping to prove my point, because I am the average single white girl who wants a boyfriend but doesn’t have one.

I’m embracing my singleness, but I’m not going to say I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not going to say that if I wait long enough then he will just magically appear. Because like everything, you must give effort and to be honest, I’m not giving any effort right now. Why? Because there is sort of big thing called “time”. I’m a list person, and I’m not saying I can put “oh at so and so time I will get a boyfriend” because I know it doesn’t work like that.

I find saying “get a boyfriend” sounds shallow, it’s like “yep, going pick me one of those up at the store”. You know what? I’m just going to settle for a Tom-like attitude from Parks and Rec.

I’m single, but I am not alone.

YOU ARE AWESOME. Single, taken, waiting, being overly optimistic while waiting, or way to pessimistic. This Valentines Day eat those chocolates from yo Mom because she loves you and everyone else does and someday someone special will love you more then all those people combined.

Jesus isn’t your valentine, but He loves you way more then your Mom or future spouse. Don’t ever forget that.

Also, since it’s just another Valentines Day aka Singles Awareness Day.

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Okay is Okay

I’ve been so busy, that I feel as if my life has become a metronome. Bouncing back and forth in a steady, fast pace. I’m trying to match the rhythm, but I’m not very good at it. It’s boring to be honest and life has been going by too fast. I’m so busy focusing on the rhythm of the metronome that I don’t have time to enjoy the music.

I’m so busy going back and forth I can’t move forward. Time just passes so quick that it’s impossible to step outside the rhythm.

But there are days that step outside the metronome. The high notes interacting with the low ones. The bright sunny days that make you feel as if the world is okay. The days when you accomplish more then you expected. That A on a test that proves to you that you’re smarter then you think. Those moments of unexplainable joy that shout out into the void of monthly payments, minimum wage jobs and piles upon piles of homework, saying “life is more then a constant struggle.” because honestly, it feels that it is sometimes…the constant struggle to be better, think harder, and to be more then you can possibly be.

As sad as I am sometimes, life really isn’t so bad. I didn’t say it was good but its okay. Maybe okay is enough, maybe to be just okay is our whim of hope, maybe it’s our fate. Okay may be all that we are and ever will be. I think it’s alright is we just settle for okay. I know, why not try to settle for wonderful or even plain old good. But let’s be honest, this is a sad world, full of sad people. Being okay is fine. We don’t need to be anything other then that. I think we get so caught up in the act of finding complete and flawless happiness that we don’t realize the tiny bits of it that happen each day. We cry, we laugh, we go through the motions. One day is going to really tick you off and the next day is going to be sunshine and rainbows…and you know what? That’s okay. It’s like I said before, life isn’t perfect but it wasn’t meant to be. God created Adam and Eve and knew they would sin. He knew that He would have to send His ONLY SON to die for us.

Though life at the moment may be a metronome, it’s a grand sweet song. It may not be a number one hit on the Billboard Top 100 but that’s okay. My song is the sighs of a classroom; the clicking of the register at work; the sound of the coffee pot dripping in the morning; my car that makes strange noises, and the silence in the house as I go to sleep. It’s not amazing, nor wonderful…and I know it could be better, but right now it is what it is, and I’m okay with that.

Another Year (Just Another Day…)

There is 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, and 60 seconds in a minute. If we really knew the depth of time, I don’t think we would waste it so carelessly. Unfortunately, seconds turn to minutes, hours turn to days, and days turn to weeks then months until suddenly it’s the New Year, and we look back and see how fast it all went by, and realize that every year is just going to go by faster as we get older.

When we are little, we don’t really have a concept of time. Time is based on when lunch is; when Arthur comes on PBS; when the side door to the garage creaks open and Dad’s home, and then that means supper. When I was little I had every shows time slot on PBS memorized: The Big Comfy Couch, Arthur, Mr. Rogers, Between the Lions, Dragons Tails and so forth. Time wasn’t so important back then. Only that hour of the day when it was time for the ten second tidy and clock exercises on The Big Comfy Couch with Loonette, and when Mr. Rodgers would feed his fish and have craft time.

Then suddenly you’re eighteen. You have your first car, your driving to work on a snowy day, paying bills that keep adding up, cashing checks, trying to get by, going to college, and wondering where on earth you’re going next. You suddenly don’t have enough time.

To be honest, we don’t have enough tomorrows, we never did…but as we get older, we learn to appreciate them more, yet we let them slip away into just “another day” anyways. Think about it. Yesterday will never come again. That last hour on this day, you will never get it back. That minute that just ticked off on the clock, will never be wound back. 2013 is gone…and we will never be able to live in it again.

2013 was good. I know that word is mediocre and is used way too much…but anything less or more wouldn’t do. Like every year, 2013 had its ups and downs. It was memorable that’s for sure. I wish I could keep all the memories in a box. All the secret jokes, and the laughter that made our sides hurt and tear up. I wish I had a snapshot of every time I felt like everything was right with the world; I just want to see what I was looking at and wonder why I felt that way. Maybe it was the time we sat by the bonfire on that cold autumn night and made s’mores. Maybe it was the time we were eating gold whales in the car and laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. Maybe it was the time we went to that Korean BBQ and listened to 90s music on the way home. It was those little moments of insignificance that were the most special to me.

I wish I could go back sometimes, but the thing is…it’s good to move on, even from the good memories, it’s good to leave them in the past in order to make new ones.

So 2014, I don’t have any expectations or resolutions or predictions. I do have a prayer though. A prayer to God that no matter how much we stumble and fall, we will cling more and more to Him; through the worries and fears…have us give it all to You, Jesus. That even through the good, let’s not forget who we owe thanks too. When we wander to new places, may every trail lead us closer to You. Let’s remember that though this year will have chaos and become quite messy…there is hope in each new day, not just a New Year, of fresh starts and new beginnings.

Hope
Smiles from the threshold of (each day or) the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…” – Alfred Tennyson

Much love,

~ Trudi