Tag: thoughts

To Make Him Known

Am I a failure? 

I thought to myself as the reality of my decision came settling in. Did I not try hard enough? Did I not stand a chance? 

You always wonder about the what-ifs in life. But I never thought that I would be so sorrowful when I made the decision to move back home.

Home. The fields of opportunities and dreams. I went to the land of lovers to the wild and wonderful only to come back again. 

And the farther I kept getting away from DC…my dreams slowly started to shatter rather dramatically to the ground. 

Like broken glass, I wondered if the shards would cut me later as hypothetically grasp an old memory or an old goal that never quite got there to the finish line. It cuts sometimes but it also makes me wonder…

If my new perspective on life will make me more willing to try again as I make my way back to the place that made me who I am. 

I don’t know. 

I’ve been experiencing a lot of sorrow lately. As relationships change people hurt your feelings and they don’t understand where you are coming from or what you are trying to say. 

It just makes you cling to Jesus more and more. 

Because the people that might hurt your feelings sometimes, or make you feel mad or sad or whatever it may be, bring a lot of joy in your life. And someone has to absorb the hurt and sometimes you don’t even know that you are the one inflicting the pain. 

I think about who I want to be when I get older – isn’t that funny? 6 years ago I was saying the same thing and yet I’m older now and still wondering what I want to be or try to be when I’m another 6 years older. 

When I’m older, or starting now, I want to stop believing these lies  I have to be more than who I am or this progressive, worldly person who is defined by the earthly praise she will get. 

I know I have to be more like Jesus but these superficial accomplishments hurt. I earned my master’s, but what did it do for me? I moved away, but what have I become? I’m home…but I’m not the same person? Who am I? What was I made for? The song that everyone resonated to as Barbie cried her first tear. 

These things I hope to be and may never measure up to hurt more than ever right now. But what is the point if I’m not making Christ known? 

Is my story more than just a girl who almost got there and then came back again? 

I don’t know. But something about those rolling hills, those wide open spaces, and the people I’ve missed, the family I see weekly instead of once every few months, make me wonder…what were we made for? All these things that we keep trying to accomplish are nothing. Ecclesiastes tells us that everything is meaningless without God. Everything is just chasing after the wind…and maybe for a long time, I have been chasing the wind. 

And maybe the wind is settling, maybe instead of doing the brave thing of leaving, the brave thing is staying and planting and growing. Maybe the brave thing looks different for everyone, and the most wonderful thing is there is no wrong answer when you look to Jesus when you grasp His truth and hold onto Him through all of it.

When I look back on all of my accomplishments, they all seem to be quite small in comparison to the friendships and people I have met along the way. And maybe that’s the point…

The weight of glory is not on who we become but on who we encounter…the weight we carry is nothing to do with me but with who I can serve. And if the weight of this glory is to dig deeper into the home in which I have longed for and the home in which I have yet to find myself, if all my wonderful encounters if all my beautiful friendships could be present in a room together, I would be so happy. But Heaven awaits for that. 

“It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbor. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor’s glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. …It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations — these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit. … Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.” – C.S. Lewis 

I guess this is a reminder for myself, to remember that we are built to be disciples. We are not meant to live our lives on our own but for a higher calling. As Christians in this consumerist society, we must remember what it means to love another, what it means to be His hands and feet…and I am ready. Lord. Use me. Wherever it may be. With open hands and a heart willing – lead me, take my life, and let it be. 

For A Time

I’m sitting here trying to contemplate life and the endless cycle. The grief-torn world we live in; the startling reality that we all must die at some point, not knowing when or where…it’s inescapable.

For a time we are here…

Waking up, going to work, getting the groceries, filling our days with tasks that feel like they are endless and piling up. Brush your teeth, make the coffee, get dressed. It gets monotonous and aggravating at times, and even on the good days, chores are always there.

We get hung up on the material, when can I buy that house? When will I be able to get that promotion or new job? There is always a brighter future around the corner.

We are faced with challenges, like anxiety, depression, and other health-related issues that cause us to question our existence in this world, clinging to Jesus, and trying to hold fast to the hope that will drown out the fear of whatever the future has in store.

Sometimes we look longingly at the future, and other times we despise it; fearful it may cause more issues than in the present.

But the future, is a privilege, that some are denied. But here again, I say, for a time such as this, we are here.

No amount of money or status will make me happy. While I fall into the lie that I need more, in this consumer world, in this earthly body, I need more. My sinful nature craves excess materials such as clothes, food, and money. But also, my heart longs for the community, and to be known by my friends, and by people, to have something in a Wikipedia article that will live on the internet.

But earlier today I passed by a cemetery, every one of those tombstones has a life and a story that not everyone will know. Not everyone will make their mark in the world, but dare I say, that the most small, town grandma can speak into her children’s and grandchildren’s lives and create a legacy. A friend gone too soon can cause a ripple effect in other people’s lives and make Christ known even after death. A little boy, far too young, proclaiming Jesus is still good through his death by his parents.

We all long for more time with our loved ones. No amount will truly satisfy us even if we spend every second of the day with those who are now gone.

The desire to have more and more creates a desire that only can exist within our heavenly home, to be one with Christ, who is outside of time. Outside of the care of this world.

Christ is relational. He calls us to grow as a body, He calls us to foster relationships, to be kind to one another, and to love one another as a forecast of His love. How easily we get sucked in the day-to-day that we forget why we are here. And we forget that time is a currency that can not be gained back.

As Christians, as God’s people, we are here to hold fast to our relationships. Sometimes it’s not the most comfortable, sometimes you have to stay up late and talk all night about whatever it may be; sometimes you need to give hugs and show sympathy even if you’re having a bad day yourself. Sometimes, we have to forget ourselves to be a friend to others.

Friendships are the kind of love that is not romantic but is the hardest because friendships of various levels don’t all have the same expectations, there is a hierarchy of friendships in everyone’s lives. Still, I’m challenging myself and you, to look outside the hierarchy and just love the people in your life.

And the other types of love, family especially…call more. Go to them more. Ask them to hang out more. Be present with them.

For a time we are here. For a time like this, we must not wait. For a time such as this, we must love and cherish.

But for a time it is!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace

What do workers gain from their toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.  That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.  I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Take This Cup.

Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” I was lying flat on my back staring up at the ceiling and “take this cup” just kept repeating.

I was listening to a song today by Chris Renzema and the lyrics went like this:

Cause He’ll finish what He starts
He started this I know
But if you saw the plans
Maybe you wouldn’t go…

I was thinking about how Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives for the Father to take this cup from Him. The next verse goes further “and being in agony he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”

Jesus being Christ knew all that was to happen to Him in the coming days. According to a study on this particular section, “some consider Luke’s description as mere simile—Jesus’ sweat fell to the ground in large, heavy drops, the way that blood drips from an open wound. However, there exists a medical condition that produces the symptoms described and explains Luke’s mention of blood. Hematidrosis is a rare, but very real, medical condition that causes one’s sweat to contain blood. The sweat glands are surrounded by tiny blood vessels that can constrict and then dilate to the point of rupture, causing blood to effuse into the sweat glands. The cause of hematidrosis is extreme anguish” (GotQuestions.org).

Crucifixion is the most painful death and yet Jesus willingly took on the sins of the world and cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” as the final sacrifice for us.

Maybe if I saw the plans God had in store for me, maybe I wouldn’t go. Maybe I could armor myself better or choose a different route. I’m not Jesus.

But oh to strive to be like Him…

I think one thing that really stands out to me is that Jesus didn’t stifle His anguish for what was to come or what He was experiencing. He trusted God and knew what needed to be done, but He still prayed. He still felt that grief.

It’s okay to grieve while experiencing physical or emotional pain but it’s also possible to be joyous in those times.

2021 has been in a year of mental, emotional, and physical turmoil. I pray and ask God daily – please take this cup. Please take this cup so I can experience joy. After all that I have been through this year in my personal health, I found myself feeling that I shouldn’t have joy or feel content until the problems are fixed because then I can live my best life. It was almost as if, and something I’m still struggling with, that I was telling God that I could not and will not possibly grow through the season I am in. I cannot grow in the metaphorical winter season that I feel stuck inside until better conditions come around and I can be joyous.

Christ took the cup thousands of years ago one night in Bethlehem.

I went to a Christy Nockels concert at a local church a few weeks ago and she told the story about the Shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night. You see, they were not ordinary shepherds, they were fulfilling temple duties and these flocks that were being watched were for sacrificing. The newborn lambs would be swaddled in special temple cloth to keep from blemish. So, when the Angel of the Lord appeared before them and said “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger” (Luke 2:10-12).

The final sacrifice.

And so we cut back to Jesus in deep anguish that night, knowing that this cup was not in God’s will to take from Him. He died on the cross for us and cried “It is finished!”

But it didn’t end there. Three days later, Jesus conquered death!

Proving that joy comes; joy always follows.

Christy Nockels wrote this song called Amaryllis and sang it at this concert and a few of the lyrics were:

“Here I am waiting
in a winter of my own
if it’s gonna be this cold here
Why couldn’t it just snow?
At least I could say through the pain
That it’s somehow beautiful…
And everybody knows that the time to bloom is spring,
But You’re asking me to break through the hardness of this freeze
And You say that You’re with me
And I can make it through anything….
Like an Amaryllis, blooming at Christmas,
When everything is cold and dark
Your love breaks through and I shine
With the brilliance of summer,
Right in the middle of winter!
Somehow surprising the night
Like a Christmas Amaryllis…”

Christ already took the cup. And He is working not just in me, but in you. He promises us joy if we just relent and let the growth happen. We can grow even in the most unideal circumstance. Think how unideal Mary and Joseph must have thought their circumstance felt like when they were turned away at the inn, but think also how this babe in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, signaled to the world on that holy night that HE HAS COME.

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appear’d and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”

Followed by the words fall on your knees and we will. We are. Falling down and worshiping and praising Him for He knows when this season will end and how much growth is happening right now even when you can’t see it. He knows every pain and sorrow in your cup. He has not forsaken you, no, He has done the very opposite. He loves, protects, provides, rescues, forgives – past, present, and future!

I think moving towards 2022…I can’t place my joy on the earthly promise that it will get better. I can’t place my joy on anything this world may offer me because it’s temporary and so temperamental. If I look outside of my earthly body and see that I am not a body but a soul. We all are. We can move forward joyously knowing that we are not confined to the temperament of this world but that Christ has made a way for us to experience what we long for…and that is to be with Him.

Thank You, Next

 

Laughing at how funny we are
Cory and i
Facetime with Nat 🙂
Violet, Ruby and I
That jacket though
Yeah…
Bowling and being awkward
Cheese balls!
Ummm
Facetime with the big sis
Capitol Tour with the fam
Speaking on a panel in Moscow, Russia
Blue lights. Enough said.
Fries and Ranch with Liv

“I find it interesting that this has been one of the best years of my career and the worst of my life,” Grande said. “A lot of people would look at someone in my position right now as an artist that could be at her peak and think, ‘She’s really got her sh** together, she’s really on it. She’s got it all.’ And I do, but as far as my personal life goes, I really have no idea what[…]I’m doing[…]and as of late I’ve discovered that it’s the things I’ve always had and the people I’ve always had that still make me the happiest.”

A year ago, I graduated from college. I got a new job. I moved almost a thousand miles away. I learned how to be an adult. I experienced so much love counteracted by heartbreak, grief and loneliness. I went to a foreign country for the first time. I planned a global conference. I’ve helped different families in minor or significant ways in over 80 different countries.

It’s been a crazy year.

In the midst of all those changes and challenges were a lot of tears. I learned a lot about me, and yet still know nothing at all.

Tears fell as I sat in my room a couple nights before my graduation as I stared at the cap and gown waiting to be worn across a platform to accept my degree.

Tears were shed on the interstate from Iowa to Virginia in my car full of all my belongings.

Tears spilled in the hall as the background echoed cheers at the close of the last session in Moscow, Russia.

Tears fell on a plane bound home to Iowa for a couple of weeks – a girl who once believed that heartbreak was purely metaphorical, found out it was actually quite physical and yet could only be healed by time and patience.

2018 showed me I am a constant work in progress, but aren’t we all?

Most importantly – I have learned to forgive. I learned to forgive others, myself and to accept the forgiveness Christ so freely offers me.

I have learned so much this year about love and forgiveness through my broken experiences. As Matt Heard said “The worst kind of pain is wasted pain”. So will I use my brokenness to push me into the next stage of life and grow me spiritually, mentally and emotionally and make me wiser? Or will I waste the pain and have it hinder my growth? Will it harden or strengthen my heart? Can I trust God to redeem my pain?

I settle my heart down and let the pain in. I will cast all my anxieties upon Him because He cares for me. He will lead me beside the still waters. He will restore my soul. He will lead me down a path of righteousness, but also a path of joy and peace.

Psalms 34:18 says:

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

This year taught me love, patience and pain, but it also taught me how to understand and sympathize, it taught what it truly means to be selfless, but it also taught me how important it is to take care of myself – to take my God-sized needs to Christ, that in order to be a source of life, I need to have Jesus be my source of life first.

On the days that I couldn’t get out of bed, something so simple my sister said has stuck with me since “sometimes you have to do what is good for you, not what you want to do”.

I repeat these words on the many days I don’t want to work out. On the days I don’t want to leave my bed. On the days that I don’t want to eat a certain way. On the Sundays when I don’t feel like going to church. When I fall into my hermit-like tendencies. When praying is hard. When reading my Bible is about as unappealing as carrots (I greatly dislike carrots by the way).

In more ways than one I see how God interwove that theme into my life this year. Jesus saying “Sometimes I have to do what is good for you, not what you want me to.”

As Jeremiah 29:11 says:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

So thank you 2018; for all that you offered and took away; for all the people that came and went – and most importantly, to those I’ve always had and will never leave. 2018 made me realize that the people I have always had – are the ones that make me the happiest still and you can see some of them pictured above. I love these people. So much.

2019 is whispering on the threshold “it will be happier” as Tennyson says but I think I like T.S. Eliot’s quote better:

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”

So thank you 2018.

Thank you, next.

Home Isn’t A Place

Touching down in the middle of a corn field is kind of peculiar sight, but if your in Iowa…it’s normal.

Home. I felt my heart ease into a strange rhythm of familiarity. So strange how easy it is go back to “normal” after being away for so many months and literally having been out of the country and back.

Home isn’t a place, it’s where your heart is tide too. My family. My friends. They are pieces of my heart running around. Now that my two best friends no longer live in Iowa, it’s more sad to go back, but my family is still there.

Iowa is just full of corn, but if you lived here your entire life you would find more to do than just starring at a cornfield across the road from your house. People who ask me what ones does in Iowa; I wouldn’t know. If your used to being bored, you find ways to entertain yourself.

My friends and I  jokingly dubbed ourselves the Queens of our small town…little did we know that a year later, neither of us would be around to reign over our metaphorical subjects.

As heartbreaking as it may seem…there is a happiness about it. A happiness that we can say later on in life as we all have careers and six digit salaries “remember when we all were poor and worked at the Cheese House together that entire summer?” or “Remember the late night runs to Village Inn?” and all the other crazy road trips and laughing until we couldn’t breathe.

I miss those days.

I don’t want to relive my life though. It would be nice to stop in once in a while. It would be nice to meet up at the corner near my house to drive into the city. It would be nice to get up early for church and eat at our favorite diner. It would be nice some days to hear Dad shuffling around upstairs on a Saturday morning. It would be nice to always find someone to hug in the house, especially Mom.

Those were the days.

But these are the days now.

Sitting in my office, I’ll suddenly have this out of body experience of wondering “Why am I here? Where do I belong?”

Thinking back on the last 10 years of my life. Back when I was 13 and constantly feeling a push to go forward. Now I just want to step back.

All of a sudden all the things I have accomplished and gone through in life will melt into these series of flashbacks. As epic as it sounds…

It makes me sad, nostalgic and lonely.

Lonely for the people who were there along the way; sad at the goodbyes to the people who came and went so suddenly, and then missing the ones that are still by my side though they are a thousand miles away.

Home isn’t a place…and yet it’s a place we are constantly longing for.

But until we get to Heaven, the longing will never cease. Can you imagine, being in a room full of faces you love and cherish? We get a taste of that every once in a while, but it brings tears to my eyes when I think how Heaven will never have loneliness, heartbreak or regrets. It will be full of those people who pointed you to Christ with how they loved you.

We see in a mirror dimly now, but when we get to Heaven, we will be fully known. We will see Christ face to face. That separation will no longer pine at us.

But today I will sit in my office and go through the motions of today, and constantly seek to do what God is calling me to be. Though my questions will sometimes raise to “why am I here? What am I doing?”, God has this amazing story for my life, and though I can only see through it dimly, and sometimes not at all when it is darkened with my confusion, grief and loneliness; I’ll trust His plans are far better than my own.

In The Quiet

D.C. is a place full of noise; ambition, and ladders to climb…

But there are certain places you find that make you remember that there is more than that when you find the quiet.

The Jefferson Memorial sits beside the basin of the Potomac, looking towards the Washington Monument that stands as a beacon in the city. It’s quiet there. Couples will sit on the steps and talk about their hopes and dreams…some of us will eat ice cream and talk for hours about what we want to be.

Behind the Lincoln Memorial, you will find a quiet spot to rest, as the crowds swarm inside to get a peak of Lincoln and his gigantic frame.

There are the places that go untouched…and one of those secluded places is Theodore Roosevelt’s Island. It sits on the Potomac, where you have to take a walking bridge to get to the inside. There, in the heart of the island, you will find Theodore Roosevelt, looming ahead with his arm raised.

Behind him, there is a series of quote on Youth.

“I want to see you game, boys, I want to see you brave and manly, and I also want to see you gentle and tender. (Address at Friends School, Washington, DC, May 24, 1907)  •  Be practical as well are generous in your ideals. Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground. (Speech at Prize Day Exercises at Groton School, Groton, MA, May 24 1904)  •  Courage, hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort are all essential to successful life. (America and the World War, 1915)  •  Alike for the nation and the individual, the one indispensable requisite is character. (American Ideals, 1897).”

At 42, Roosevelt became the youngest man to serve as president when McKinley was assassinated in 1901. He was a progressive, championing the Square Deal, and mediated the Treaty of Portsmouth to end the Russo-Japanese War, along with that he wanted to preserve our national resources with national parks, forests, and monuments. He remains one of the top five presidents in popularity.

Sitting in the middle of the island, those quotes ring out as a quiet reminder to those who can find the secluded spot, that the generation to come must be brave. We must have courage; hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort. We must have character as the heart of our nation turns some of us into the villains we despise and some of us into the heroes we never thought we could be.

When I read these quotes I feel a sense of urgency. My life hasn’t been easy, easier than some, but everyone experiences trials and hardships.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Teddy says courage. Courage to stand up when it counts. Courage to sit down and listen. Courage to take leaps when you are not sure what the outcome will be. Courage to place in yourself and others.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

The youth in us all dares to dream. But Teddy says to be mindful. Keep your feet planted in reality.

Work hard. Even when the going gets tough and you have to keep on. Sometimes their will seem to be no benefit to all the trying.

But keep going.

Teddy says to be a master of your own self. Not others.

He wants to see you have intelligent effort. He didn’t say to be smarter than everyone else. No one cares about how much you know until they see how much you care.

And add that all together…character is the indispensable requisite to life.

Don’t let the world steal you away; the ladder of ambition is ceaseless but the higher the fall.

Be kind. Be brave.

Step into adulthood with those qualities.

“A man’s usefulness depends upon his living up to his ideals in so far as he can. (A Letter to Dr. Sturgis Bigelow, March 29, 1898) •  It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. (The Strenuous Life, 1900) •  All daring and courage, all iron endurance of misfortune make for a finer and nobler type of manhood. (Address to Naval War College, June 2, 1897) •  Only those are fit to live who do not fear to die: and none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. (The Great Adventure, 1918).”

I use to wonder why the secluded monuments were the best. It’s because they are quiet and don’t hold as much people. You can sit and reflect.

There is a reason the water fountain in the center of the World War II Memorial is loud enough to drown out the noise of the people talking.

In the quiet we find what we need. We find understanding and empathy.

So if your on Teddy’s little island one of these days or in a secluded spot that no one really knows about in D.C.

Walk around.

Sit.

Listen.

You may find yourself some peace as you sit in the quiet.

Retweeting Myself

cropped-me-24.jpg

DISCLAIMER: I have been off twitter for a year and I just recently downloaded the app back onto my phone. My original intention for staying off twitter has become very clear in rereading my juvenile tweets.  I have decided to reply to my younger self…and also pick up tweeting again. 

This was on a day in which I wanted to fall into solidarity and never leave my bed. I also had an unhealthy obsession with royalty and thought I would marry Prince Harry one day. Curse you Megan.

Haha, now you WISH you didn’t relate to them all at. FYI: I Have Questions by Camila Cabelo is such a depressingly great song. Also Hell No by Ingrid Michaelson.

Trudi, no. You deal with whatever it was in a healthy way. If you have learned anything in life, whatever you bury will inevitable resurface. I don’t even know what I was burying…it was probably something to do with my cats.

Literally the ONE time in the past four years that I watched the Today Show. Poor Katie, she probably was just nervous but some insignificant 21 year old decided to bash her on twitter to her 50 followers. I have impact people! (not really…).

Still relevant to this day. I’m one of those people that will inhale all the breadsticks from Olive Garden and just as we are about ready for the check, I’ll ask for another basket to take home.

This was the worst exam of my life. I had 75% of my final grade riding on this one exam. This was also the same week I had four finals every single day at 7AM…in snowy negative degree weather. I did pass the class though…barely.

I tweeted this because I had deleted my Snapchat account. Literally a couple weeks later I downloaded it again. So much for that self established importance.

Why did you feel the need to tweet this? I actually remember sitting there thinking about how my thighs basically expand massively when I sit down and how I was surprised I could fit in my seat still.

Still relevant…but I probably was melting down over a test. Not relevant anymore. Ha. ha. #graduated #adult #whyamiusinghashtags

Going to a big University has it’s perks, but it also was incredibly lonely. I remember during my breaks between classes, I would buy a snack in the library cafeteria and go sit in my car playing sad music and thinking how pathetic my life was.

Some things never change. Pumpkin Spice is life.

I just want to know what I was wearing…

Can’t stop pretending. But the sad part is I’m poorer now than I was then.

Well…he did get married. But not to me. I had to unfollow…it still hurts honestly.

And honestly…it just keeps getting more painful as the tweets gets older, so I’m going to just spare us both.

Self Love.

You’re not pretty, you’re ugly.

You have a double chin and a big nose.

You are not lovable.

You’re not funny.

You’re not smart.

You need to lose weight.

When I look in the mirror…

I think all of these things and more.

Even though I know that we are all created in God’s image. Even though I know that Jesus loves me. Even though I know that my perfectionism is unattainable.

I don’t love myself. I don’t think that I am good at anything. I have no confidence. My insecurities, self doubt, anxieties and sinful nature trail into my relationships with my family, friends and Jesus. It hurts me and it hurts others in the process.

There is a quote that says that you should be selfless but not think of your self less. I remember reading that quote one day and thinking how I seemed to mistake loving myself, and doing what is best for me, as a form of pride and selfishness. I remember reading this quote and thinking “Wow, I really am not selfless at all…or at least my form of selflessness is not healthy.”

It’s not.

If I have learned anything in the last six months, is that I can’t love others properly if I cannot love myself.

I use to think all those female celebrities were so generic. They always are telling you to love yourself and be authentically you, but I think there is something missing in that equation.

Jesus. Such a Sunday school answer. I know. If I were my authentic self, sin would take over. My default setting is to sin. By the world’s standards I am a “good” person…but good only can go so far.

If anyone knows me, they know that I will never boast about myself. If I do, it’s in a complete joking way.  In fact, if you give me a compliment, I won’t believe you. I used to think “Trudi, why don’t you believe a compliment?” but the truth was that all I could think was “if they only could see inside me…they would think differently”.

I could cry thinking of how I would and still tear myself down until there are figurative shreds of myself on the floor, giving people the capacity to stomp on me because I have no confidence.

I came to the realization that my searching for love and acceptance of myself has been me trying to love out my flaws (or look for other people to do so); an inward battle between me, myself and I, leaving me unsatisfied.

I was talking to my Mom one night about how I hated myself.

She referenced some video she saw on Facebook, and asked me to look at a picture of myself as a baby.

Childhood Photo.jpg

She asked me to say all the things I was saying to myself in the mirror right now while looking at this picture.

“Trudi, you’re not pretty or cute. You’re not smart. You need to lose weight. You are not lovable…”

I did this one night. I found this picture my Mom posted on Facebook and started saying all the insecurities and self-hate I held for myself while looking at this picture.

The results: tears.

Because when I look at this picture, I see a sweet, innocent, little girl. A girl who would sing at the top of her lungs in the car. Who would go running outside to search for ladybugs and pick really pretty weeds. She would play in the sandbox for hours. She would ride her little tricycle on the pavement on a pretend road made out of chalk.

Little Trudi. You are so loved. You are so smart. If you only knew the hardships to come but also all that you would accomplish. It breaks my heart to know that the little heart in this photo has ever known suffering.

I sound like my Mom right now…

You know in the Bible it says multiple times to “love your neighbor as yourself”. But if you do not know how to love yourself, how can you love your neighbor?

So, that is what I’m learning. I’m not talking about self-love. I’m talking about TRUE self love. The loves that does not see my sins bigger than my virtues, but the redeemed kind. The kind of love that holds freedom; that doesn’t keep gazing inward, but outward toward Jesus Christ.

I encourage you to read this article here in order to understand what I am talking about (otherwise I’m just going to plagiarize the shhh out of it).

The question: Do I love myself enough? I am a broken human being. But if I loved myself enough, I would be able to accept Christ’s love for me. Oh how freeing it would be. Dear little Trudi (even though you are way older now, that little person in the picture above will always exist inside) come as you are.

As the article says, stop scraping together your self worth and piecing together your sinful self. Embrace Christ’s love for you and then you will truly hold self love.

Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

 

 

Afraid.

I was talking one night, talking about my future plans and how much I hate my job. I was talking about past relationships and how I can’t find anyone that I am comfortable with. I talked about being a senior in college and how uncertain everything is. I talked about my internship opportunity in D.C. and how I don’t know what I am doing…and that I’m scared.

I guess it took long enough to admit.

But I’m afraid of most things. I just put on a brave face and sassy attitude and act like the female-version of Rhett Butler and how I “frankly don’t give a dam”. But then I am Scarlett, walking away from it all and saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow”.

Stalling and not caring…or at least, saying I don’t care.

That’s me.

Today though, I looked around at all the things that I have grown comfortable with. Like driving. At first the road into town was scary and uncertain because I just didn’t have enough experience at the wheel. Now I can drive long distances without fear and I have confidence in my ability but also I trust Jesus that He will get me from one point to the next safely.

Just like in life. If only I could take that trust and transfer it to every situation I am in.

My college career will either be over after December, or I will go on to graduate school. My internship in D.C. will work out with ease or it will be rocky and not work out at all. I’ll either be single till tomorrow or I won’t get married till I’m thirty…or not at all. My job has an expiration date but it could be longer than I anticipate.

And even then, what job lays ahead? The future. It scares me.

But oddly enough I woke up yesterday not feeling scared anymore. I looked up and applied for housing around the D.C. area. I bought some more clothes for my internship. I scheduled some appointments.

It’s the waiting that gets me.

Waiting for the future. Because the longer I wait the more anxious I become and the more fearful I get.

And I need a heart of patience. I need a heart for a lot of things. To show more kindness and love. To be more frugal with my time and assets.

But let me get back to patience. I realize that I am going off on a lot of things from being afraid to confidence to patience. Hopefully it all comes full circle so I can tie it up in a nice little package for my readers (if I have any, let’s be honest, my reach toward stardom hasn’t gotten very far since I started this WordPress four long years ago).

I find myself checking my email like a crazy person because I am expecting some important emails to come through. When I was on a *cough* messaging app, I was constantly checking my phone hoping for some more messages and possibly “the one” to message me. Even during midterms, I was just trying to go through the motions and wishing it all to be over quick.

I’m in such a rush. A rush to find “the one”; a rush to get through college; a rush to figure out all my future plans. A rush to get through a work weekend because I don’t like my job.

Always rushing. It’s so tiring.

Because no matter how hard I try, nothing gets happens because it’s not in my control. I did my part. I am doing my part. It’s the other side that I am waiting on.

So there. I am afraid of uncertainty and don’t have the patience to wait on Jesus’ perfect timing.

The Bible talks about patience so much…

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

Galatians 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

And yet, I don’t take my time reading and studying it and pondering these things in my heart.

It’s so simple yet so hard. To just run to Jesus into His open arms and let my anxieties and fears go. To be completely joyfully patient, knowing that His timing is perfect, and even when disappointment hits my shoreline, to still have peace.