Okay is Okay

I’ve been so busy, that I feel as if my life has become a metronome. Bouncing back and forth in a steady, fast pace. I’m trying to match the rhythm, but I’m not very good at it. It’s boring to be honest and life has been going by too fast. I’m so busy focusing on the rhythm of the metronome that I don’t have time to enjoy the music.

I’m so busy going back and forth I can’t move forward. Time just passes so quick that it’s impossible to step outside the rhythm.

But there are days that step outside the metronome. The high notes interacting with the low ones. The bright sunny days that make you feel as if the world is okay. The days when you accomplish more then you expected. That A on a test that proves to you that you’re smarter then you think. Those moments of unexplainable joy that shout out into the void of monthly payments, minimum wage jobs and piles upon piles of homework, saying “life is more then a constant struggle.” because honestly, it feels that it is sometimes…the constant struggle to be better, think harder, and to be more then you can possibly be.

As sad as I am sometimes, life really isn’t so bad. I didn’t say it was good but its okay. Maybe okay is enough, maybe to be just okay is our whim of hope, maybe it’s our fate. Okay may be all that we are and ever will be. I think it’s alright is we just settle for okay. I know, why not try to settle for wonderful or even plain old good. But let’s be honest, this is a sad world, full of sad people. Being okay is fine. We don’t need to be anything other then that. I think we get so caught up in the act of finding complete and flawless happiness that we don’t realize the tiny bits of it that happen each day. We cry, we laugh, we go through the motions. One day is going to really tick you off and the next day is going to be sunshine and rainbows…and you know what? That’s okay. It’s like I said before, life isn’t perfect but it wasn’t meant to be. God created Adam and Eve and knew they would sin. He knew that He would have to send His ONLY SON to die for us.

Though life at the moment may be a metronome, it’s a grand sweet song. It may not be a number one hit on the Billboard Top 100 but that’s okay. My song is the sighs of a classroom; the clicking of the register at work; the sound of the coffee pot dripping in the morning; my car that makes strange noises, and the silence in the house as I go to sleep. It’s not amazing, nor wonderful…and I know it could be better, but right now it is what it is, and I’m okay with that.

Be Still

Today is one of those days when I have great revelations about myself and then I end up in dire need of chocolate and sleep.

I realized over the years, especially today, that I am constantly trying to have more or be more. Why? Why can’t I be perfectly satisfied?

Well, today I was sitting in my car after a series of unfortunate events, and I realized that the picture that I have of myself in my head doesn’t match up to who I am. In the fact that I set unrealistic goals for myself and try to be someone I’m not.

Who am I? What makes Trudi, Trudi?

I’m not a genius, and I’m not eloquent. I stutter and get nervous when I’m called on in class. I don’t get perfect grades. I prefer to sit relaxing by the TV over a late night out with friends. I’m a hermit. I’m anti-social. I talk when I want to talk, and when I do I say something blunt, and sometimes rude. I’m not always the nicest person in the world, but I try to be. Sometimes. I’m weird. I stay up way too late and get up too early. I’m awkwardly shy and out of place most of the time; completely self-centered in thinking that everyone is starring and judging me. I’m Christian…but I fail at being one sometimes.

I’m being completely honest with you. I’m not going to sugar coat who I am. I’m a sorry sort of person that is a sinner saved by Mercy and Grace.

But I’m not satisfied. I keep looking for complete satisfaction, but I never can find it.

The truth is nothing is going to make me feel satisfied. I’m a cup always half-empty. But maybe that is how it should be. If I’m satisfied in this world then maybe something is wrong.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that we were made for another world.” – C.S. Lewis

I’m never going to be satisfied. That is the fact. Money, clothes, jobs, people, and everything else in between won’t quench my thirst. I think I blinded myself by thinking that I need be fully satisfied in this life. Ah, but I do need to be content. I need to be fully content in where I am and hopeful towards the future. But, most importantly, I need to trust God. I let my worries and fears cloud my judgement. I think I can do everything on my own and then suddenly I simply can’t. I’m only human. If I give my future over to Jesus, who already has it read and ready for me. What fear do I have? None. I tend to forget that.

Lord, still my soul. The fears, the worries, and the discontentment. Help me to be still and know that YOU are here. Help me to be satisfied in only You, and stop searching for complete satisfaction and gratification in people, position, or things because I will end up with nothing but emptiness.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

I don’t know where I want to be, or where I’m going exactly. I do know that I’ll end up somewhere…if that is any consolation for myself. But I’m not scared or worried. Yes, at times I am, but not tonight. I’m at peace. I don’t need to know my future. There could be some huge plot twist or maybe the climax is at the end. Haha. I don’t know. But I don’t need to. That’s the beauty of not worrying and giving everything over to Jesus. He knows, and He’s got me covered.

Goodnight everyone!
~ Trudi

My Life Right Now.

My life right now is full of papers, sticky notes, coffee, exams, and teachers that are out to get me. The emotional roller coaster I go through every week is exhausting, and by the time Friday finally gets here, I can’t even look at that bright blue backpack propped up against the bookshelf. I shake my head and wonder why I wanted to go to college so badly…but, I don’t know where else I would rather be at the moment…so I keep pressing on.

Although at first I was plagued by fear of my Russian piano teacher, I’m enjoying playing piano again. It’s actually nice to have something easy and familiar along with all my difficult (I won’t say hard) classes.

So, on this rainy, dreary day, I’m going to make some more coffee and *maybe* do homework. I’m going to revise my critical synthesis, overflowing with sloppy handwriting and students opinions (gotta love peer review). Maybe I’ll go for a walk, because one thing I’ve learned in college is that sitting is actually really hard on the body. No joke.

Who am I kidding? I’m not going to go on a walk. I’m too lazy. Walking across the street to McDonalds was hard enough that one day.

Well, this is my life right now.

Things to look forward to this month:
A review (by yours truly) of Divergent by Veronica Roth!
A birthday post. Yes, somebody is officially going to be an “adult” next week.
And much more! Have a great weekend everybody!

~ Trudi