Focus.

That word popped into my brain as I was driving into town for the what seemed like the fifteenth time today.

But more on that later.

You see, my computer died. After spending a good amount of two days trying to get it to work; restarting it and troubleshooting like it was my only goal in life (because at the time it was), after taking it into Geek Squad and having it miraculously work on the cold black countertop and having the dude look at me like I was crazy, I went back home to have the same grey folder and white screen blinking at me yet again. I called tech support at Apple, only to have them tell me the same things I already tried. Props to the guy I talked too though. At least I had a fun fifteen minute phone conversation despite not getting the problem solved. I was informed I should come work for Apple since I seem to be quite tech savvy.

Now, back to driving in the car.

So I decided to just take it into Geek Squad once again…hoping to God that it wouldn’t work once I sat it on the holy grail of black countertops. Kind of a weird thing to hope for but I was about ready to throw my computer out of the moving car. I was that fed up. Plus, I didn’t want to look like a crazy person again.

Focus.

After some deep soul searching and praying over my laptop for it to work, I came to the realization rather quickly that I’m not focusing on the right things in my life.

You wouldn’t think a MacBook Pro would drive a wedge between you and God but I tell ya, we had it out these past couple of days. Not only with the laptop situation but with other things in life that just haven’t been working out as I have hoped.

I realized that I need to focus on what’s important and maybe God took the ultimate time consumer in my life away for a reason. I very good reason.

So I could focus on the important parts of my life; the most important being Jesus.

God demands our attention. Months can go by with me getting too caught up in myself, until one day everything stops and I’m picking up the pieces, crying cause I just don’t understand why God can be so uncaring.

Silly.

I know.

It takes me a bit to realize how uncaring I am toward the One who cares so much for me. What right do I have to be angry at how unfair life is?

Is it really that bad?

I asked myself this question tonight as a few tears slowly drew a line down my cheeks.

Part of me wants to say yes while the other part of me wants to say no.

I isolate myself in pathetic solitude. I let my worries and doubts encompass my feelings. I don’t trust people and sadly…I’ve begun to not trust Jesus. I think my anxieties are high priority and everything that relates to personal gain. But maybe if I just stop.

Yes. Just stop for a moment and realize the goodness in my life.

To realize the goodness despite.

Despite. The key word in my intricate personal battle of feelings.

I know I can’t justify my feelings because they are just that…feelings.

To just stop and focus.

To stop focusing on myself so much.

Jesus does so much for me. He gives and He takes away. Not because He loves me less, but because He loves me so much and gave me a life that only I could handle. A life so small in retrospect when it’s compared to all the other lives being lived, but it’s mine nonetheless, and still just as important and worth living.

So, I am humbled. Will tomorrow come with another new set of struggles and lessons to learn? Of course. But if I just focus on Jesus and the goodness, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end obviously.

Okay, so my life lesson came in the form of a broken computer and hundreds of dollars worth of repair fees…and if that’s what it takes to bring me to my knees, then so be it.

A New Year

Happy New Year!

I was sitting at my desk on New Year’s Eve thinking about what to write…but all that came out was an emotional spilling that just made me feel sorry and discontent.

Now that we have crossed the threshold into 2016 and my mind isn’t bubbling with nostalgia, I’m going to just sit here for a little bit and try to figure out what I can say that hasn’t already been said on this dear little corner of mine.

To be honest, because I usually am…2016 looks pretty much the same as 2015. There are still things to accomplish and fears to face, but maybe I can have a stronger, more sure step this year then in 2015.

By all means, I’m 20 years old now. Maybe I will give you some wise insight from this unwise mind of mine and tell you what I have learned over the past year.

The first thing is that I have grown. Not in height sadly, but in maturity…although even that doesn’t look like much sometimes. I’ve learned to let go of things and people that at the time I thought I could never let go of. I’ve learned to say no but also yes…I can’t tell you which is the scariest to say. I’ve also learned to ask for help when needed…and that is probably the hardest thing for me to do. I’ve made friends that will last a lifetime, met new people; gone new places & revisited the familiar.

And even with all the bad…I can say that it was a good year and I really do have a wonderful life.

But you see, my year of change really didn’t happen. I found that this “threshold” I talked about in my last New Year post wasn’t really a threshold, but a barrier. A barrier that still needs to be overcome, that sometimes I can break through, but inevitably comes back up again.

That barrier is me and circumstance. It’s a constant battle. I talk all big about opportunity and change, but when the moment arrives for this said change and opportunity to happen, I get scared. My social anxiety gets the better of me. I make up every excuse in the book. I run and hide because that is my instinct. And I realize this. But it doesn’t make it easier to breakdown my barrier. Not even the changing of the year will make a difference because it’s what inside me…not in the year.

Tomorrow I will still be the same. The difference is what 365 days will bring until we are back here again, reminiscing about the bulk of it all, compacted into 2016.

But I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t want to measure by the length of days, but by how deep the day is. I want my accomplishments and activities to have more meaning then how many. If you understand what I am saying. The thing is, as much as I have grown in 2015, one never stops growing. My maturity level probably went up a few centimeters, but it still has a long ways to go. These barriers, probably will be my struggle for the rest of my life. Whether that be my anxiety or stress…or whatever emotional or physical state I go up against. But I can rest easy for I have the ultimate force on my side that will never leave me. My faith. My Jesus. My Savior. It all comes down to Him. No matter what this life has in store, when the act of trying doesn’t seem good enough; when my heart feels worn and heavy, can I not give it all to Him? My prayers, my praise, everything that I do. I know it’s easier to say, that when it comes down to it, how many moments of the day do I forget Him in the middle of call lights, bubble sheets, early mornings and frost bitten cheeks? My grumbling heart never ceases to be discontent, but His love is steadfast…and how underserving I am of it!

This morning I heard something on the radio that caused me to think, and pardon my paraphrasing (it might not be correct). The radio announcer said something along the lines that life is full of good opportunities but that doesn’t mean those opportunities are guaranteed good outcomes. So maybe that is my lesson to go forth into this new year that is already four days old. Life isn’t fair, it holds lots of opportunities to go out and chase, but there is no guarantee that the outcomes will go in my favor. The only guarantee in this life is Jesus and what’s in store of us in Heaven.

~ Trudi

A Bit of Musings From Me to You

Hello! Did you miss me? Should I dare ask that question? Partly because I feel like my little corner has been forgotten about because it’s been left vacant for too long. I’ve tried to sit down and write something deep and thoughtful, but honestly? I feel like every thought that I try to spill out onto this blank white sheet of computer space doesn’t sound right. I feel like everything I write is just a bunch of empty, scattered words.

Summer break has come to a sad goodbye because school has finally begun. Funny how three months feels like a long stretch of time but once it’s over with you wonder where summer went and why didn’t you enjoy it more? I spent my last couple weeks of break in Colorado. My entire summer I felt had been centered around going to Summit, a Christian worldview conference in Manitou Springs. When the day finally arrived to go…I honestly didn’t want to. Maybe my nerves were getting to me. I mean, seriously, I’m the type of person who needs motivation just to get out of her PJs in the morning or anything that has socializing involved.

I arrived at Summit and knew absolutely no one. I looked at the heavy schedule they placed in front of us and felt like two weeks was going to be an eternity before I could go back home. Because home is familiar. I know what to do and where to go and who my people are. Mealtime was especially stressful since you had to pick a table to sit at and you didn’t know the people sitting there. My introverted side was getting the best of me, but then I got to know my roommates. Suddenly the people in the cafeteria became my classmates. We were all here for one thing and that was to grow in Christ. I never before have been surrounded by such brilliant minded students, speakers and staff. By graduation, I didn’t want to leave the old hotel in Manitou. Even now, it seems like an entirely different world, a small corner where you can just feel Jesus in every corner and crevice of it’s old structure.

I know it sounds a little cheesy to say this…but I felt like I lost myself over the course of two years. I graduated high school and started college; I went from one major to the next; tried all sorts of different classes; landed new jobs…I forgot who I was in Christ.

It’s such a terrible thing to be lost…but it’s so-so sweet to be found.

It’s not about the majors, the jobs…goodness, it’s not even about yourself. Life is such a generalized series of events. We grow up, we graduate high school, we choose a major, we graduate college, we get a job that we kind of sorta like, have a family, retire…then die.

At least that was the conversation I overheard by two students today while waiting for class to start. “Who cares how long your in college, heck, people go and get there masters and then change their minds. You might as well stay in college as long as you can because then after that you have to start real life, get a job and then die.”

Ah, how wrong is this person behind me? I thought. How pointless. How dumb. Why on earth are we here if we are just meant to die and turn to dust?

The sad fact is, I fell into this lie. It’s a strange thing, we pay all this money to go to college and get a bachelors, then a masters, and keep extending our time in college to avoid “real life”, as if college is a safety net that we cling to before we are forced to fall into reality. I fell into the lie that life is about these series of events where death is the ultimate outcome. I look back on my life and it isn’t so simple, it never was intended to be, nor will it ever be.

Death is the ultimate outcome.

But it’s not our eternity.

My eternity is in Heaven. What I do on this earth should be a reflection of Christ; my entire mindset should be only to glorify Him in all that I do. Sadly though, I get blinded by my own desires and personal gain. I kept choosing majors that I hoped would give me security and stability. Why do I seek comfort from this world when it only greets me with empty words and promises? Here is the finer things in life, where all of your troubles will be solved. But I find that the higher I step on the ladder, it gives me more burdens then the previous steps.

But then I went to Summit. I realized that I don’t want stability and comfort that the world has to offer, but that I want the stability and comfort that can only be found in Christ.

I want truth.

I want Jesus.

I have this unsatisfied curiosity now that I don’t know how, nor do I want, to quench, thanks to Summit.

Someone once told me that there is no point in trying to change the world because people don’t change.

But then, what is the point in anything? What is the point in healing the sick when we are just going to die? What is the point in fixing anything when it’s inevitably going to break again?

What I’m saying is this…

Death is not our eternity (which I stated earlier).

That is why we should care…we should care about the souls inside the bodies. The sick, the poor, the world and all of the souls it contains. We should fight for the lives of the innocent. We should stand up against controversial issues and laws made that go against our Christian morals and beliefs.

As Christians we are called to be the light in the dark, and to lead others to Christ. In the end, it does matter.

Ah, to my fellow student, who will sit behind me in class for this entire semester, who thinks that death is nothing but an end.

Let me tell you, it’s only the beginning.

Maybe, It’s Me.

My mind keeps wondering so many places, that I can’t concentrate.

Sometimes I feel so in control, like everything is in my hands and I know exactly where I can place everything and then suddenly everything just falls to the floor, and I’m forced to pick up the pieces again.

My heart just wants to wonder everywhere…and it feels like it’s caught on something. No matter how hard I yank and pull, I can never be completely free.

And maybe that’s my problem.

I keep thinking about wiping the dirt of this crummy old town off my feet, that I forget that I can’t wipe away who I am deep down.

I can’t wipe away all my insecurities and doubts; I can’t pass the blame onto everyone and everything else.

I can run, but I can’t hide away from myself.

If I’m so dissatisfied with my life, maybe it’s not the scenery or the major or the friends or enemies that I need to change or runaway from…maybe it’s me.

I don’t like the scene I’m living in, but that’s just the now, not forever.

I’ve changed my college major so many times I’ve lost count, and I’ve found that each one holds it’s own set of doubts. I’m not afraid of trying; I’m afraid of the aftermath of failing.

I’ve disassociated myself from certain people but I’ve found that they weren’t the root of my unhappiness. Granted, some of these people are better off not being in my life, but if I can’t forgive, then that is another form of my own unhappiness.

I could blame my unhappiness on lack of relationships and the age old saying that “nobody cares about little old me”.

But I’m the one who makes my bed and has to lie in it each night.

It’s like blaming the sky for bringing rain and soaking me wet, but when it boils down to it, I’m the one who didn’t bring an umbrella.

At the beginning of this year, I said the only person I can change is myself.

This is how I feel about life right now, I’m so busy fighting off the weeds in my garden, that I don’t even notice the flowers in my life.

And that’s sad.

Because the entire point I made about last year is that I spent too much time picking weeds and trying to be more “successful”, that I forgot to have any moments. I didn’t stop and smell the roses is what I’m trying to say.

And I’m tired of the circle I keep going round-n-round in.

It’s like, I’m picking this weed and that weed and I’m going to get through college, and I’m going to move out and I’m going to get an amazing job and explore the world and oh, then I’ll be satisfied and happy with my life.

And that’s not how life should be.

Clearly, satisfaction doesn’t exist. The world has made success so distorted that we don’t even know when to be satisfied or if we should be.

Happiness is like candy, you eat it and then it’s gone.

So I’m just going to enjoy life. I’m going to sing at the top of my lungs to the radio while sitting at stop lights, maybe I’ll roll the windows down. Because who cares what people think.

I’m going to finish college, but I’m going to enjoy it while it’s here.

I’m going to live at home with my parents, and yeah, that sounds so completely uncool, but life is just like that right now. It’s not always going to be this way. So I’m going to enjoy the evenings I spend talking to my parents about my day and hearing about theirs. I’m going to enjoy how loud the house is when Ru is on the a rampage while I’m trying to study, because someday it’s going to be quiet, and I know I’m going to miss it.

It’s not complete satisfaction, because the kind I’m searching for doesn’t exist until I get to Heaven, but it’s a content kind of satisfaction none the less; to have a family that is there when you get home, who heats up the leftovers for you when you’ve worked on Christmas Eve, and who will always have a light on for you no matter how far you’ve gone or how long you stayed away.

~ Tru

Back To School. Again.

Here we go again. The shuffling of papers, the “oh my goodness, do I have a test today?” moments of panic.

The awkward silences with your classmates, where your inner Jim wants to come out and stare at the camera that is documenting your oh so boring life…

The countless hours of teachers lecturing you on things you don’t really care about…

You will go into self denial after every test, saying “if only I had enough time to study.”

Oh please…we all know you were watching Netflix.

At the beginning of finals you will overeat because of anxiety…

and then at the end you will eat for comfort…

Everyday you will wonder why you are doing this to yourself.

Until of course, you get an A on that test and then you get all like…

But then midterms come around…

But you know what? When your sitting in class day dreaming about throwing that one hundred dollar looseleaf textbook against that dry erase board with the teacher’s almost non-legible handwriting …

Just remember to hold it together until after finals.

But don’t forget…

For Blue Skies

I realize that most of my deep revelations come while I’m driving in my car. I don’t know why, but my thoughts run rampant at stop lights.

I was driving in my car on my way home from school, there was a lot of traffic, which is kind of annoying, but nevertheless, you see people walking along the streets and sitting in a car beside you and ahead of you and it just hits you like this…

Complete strangers, each with a soul and stories that you will never know about. Each with lives that keep on continuing as they make that turn onto the interstate, driving off to who knows where.

People we don’t know, tend to be thought of as the props in our own personal plays.

We walk among strangers and don’t even glimpse their faces.

And that is sad.

Every week I sit in classes and listen to my teachers talk a mile a minute about our bodies and what they are made of and how they work. Never does it come up that we are more then just skin and bones; made up of multiple systems (each far too complex to not be made by a creator by the way). Don’t even get me started with my Psych class.

Never does anyone say anything about our souls and how they desperately need saving.

Maybe I have come to realize that our hearts beat for many things in this life and how insignificant everything is when our hearts beat for only those things…

Money. Title. Lovers. Worldly belongings. Fame. Approval from our so-called peers. Academic success.

In the end it matters only for who these worn and heavy hearts beat for.

For who do these souls belong too?

When I start thinking about all these souls and hearts…it causes me to search my own and ask myself what my heart is beating for?

Because lately, I have felt lost, worn, tired…and just empty. I feel as if I’m in this ring boxing at air. I’m not sure what I’m fighting against, I just have to keep swinging my arms.

The fact is, I know what my heart is beating for. It’s beating for selfish things. It’s only beating for myself.

It shouldn’t be.

I think about my academic success and career choices and finds myself thinking “which one will give me glory.”

And the fact is, that the more I think about my own personal gain and how I can obtain these things that I want in life…the harder it becomes to achieve them.

I’ve been trying so hard this semester between work and school…and to be honest, bitterness started to set in.

And maybe it all came to a head when the snow started falling and I skidded into the ditch on my way to town one dark Saturday evening and I sat there in the car feasting on all my bitterness; stressing out, and wanting to burst into a flood of angry tears.

Then some guys in a tractor pulled up, hitched my car up with a chain and pulled me out of the ditch then drove away.

I didn’t even have a chance to say thank you.

All these souls…all these hearts beating…

For who do they belong to you?

Jesus.

We can only be saved by a constant, always loving Savior.

Constant. That word has such warmth and safety.

Because no matter what, He will always be there.

Oh, how little it all matters when you strip away all life’s fineries and worldly accomplishments and day to day hardships and you find Jesus in the crowd of regrets, sadness, mistakes and expectations never met.

He’s a light, you know. Shining on all the messes that we make in this life and loving us despite everything.

It’s just crazy.

How much Jesus can love despite all flaws, beyond what you deserve. Loving you endlessly.

And He loves not just one person, but every single soul and heart beating in this world, as if they were the only one person He died for.