Self Love.

You’re not pretty, you’re ugly.

You have a double chin and a big nose.

You are not lovable.

You’re not funny.

You’re not smart.

You need to lose weight.

When I look in the mirror…

I think all of these things and more.

Even though I know that we are all created in God’s image. Even though I know that Jesus loves me. Even though I know that my perfectionism is unattainable.

I don’t love myself. I don’t think that I am good at anything. I have no confidence. My insecurities, self doubt, anxieties and sinful nature trail into my relationships with my family, friends and Jesus. It hurts me and it hurts others in the process.

There is a quote that says that you should be selfless but not think of your self less. I remember reading that quote one day and thinking how I seemed to mistake loving myself, and doing what is best for me, as a form of pride and selfishness. I remember reading this quote and thinking “Wow, I really am not selfless at all…or at least my form of selflessness is not healthy.”

It’s not.

If I have learned anything in the last six months, is that I can’t love others properly if I cannot love myself.

I use to think all those female celebrities were so generic. They always are telling you to love yourself and be authentically you, but I think there is something missing in that equation.

Jesus. Such a Sunday school answer. I know. If I were my authentic self, sin would take over. My default setting is to sin. By the world’s standards I am a “good” person…but good only can go so far.

If anyone knows me, they know that I will never boast about myself. If I do, it’s in a complete joking way. In fact, if you give me a compliment, I won’t believe you. I used to think “Trudi, why don’t you believe a compliment?” but the truth was that all I could think was “if they only could see inside me…they would think differently”.

I could cry thinking of how I would and still tear myself down until there are figurative shreds of myself on the floor, giving people the capacity to stomp on me because I have no confidence.

I came to the realization that my searching for love and acceptance of myself has been me trying to love out my flaws (or look for other people to do so); an inward battle between me, myself and I, leaving me unsatisfied.

I was talking to my Mom one night about how I hated myself.

She referenced some video she saw on Facebook, and asked me to look at a picture of myself as a baby.

Childhood Photo.jpg

She asked me to say all the things I was saying to myself in the mirror right now while looking at this picture.

“Trudi, you’re not pretty or cute. You’re not smart. You need to lose weight. You are not lovable…”

I did this one night. I found this picture my Mom posted on Facebook and started saying all the insecurities and self-hate I held for myself while looking at this picture.

The results: tears.

Because when I look at this picture, I see a sweet, innocent, little girl. A girl who would sing at the top of her lungs in the car. Who would go running outside to search for ladybugs and pick really pretty weeds. She would play in the sandbox for hours. She would ride her little tricycle on the pavement on a pretend road made out of chalk.

Little Trudi. You are so loved. You are so smart. If you only knew the hardships to come but also all that you would accomplish. It breaks my heart to know that the little heart in this photo has ever known suffering.

I sound like my Mom right now…

You know in the Bible it says multiple times to “love your neighbor as yourself”. But if you do not know how to love yourself, how can you love your neighbor?

So, that is what I’m learning. I’m not talking about self-love. I’m talking about TRUE self love. The loves that does not see my sins bigger than my virtues, but the redeemed kind. The kind of love that holds freedom; that doesn’t keep gazing inward, but outward toward Jesus Christ.

I encourage you to read this article here in order to understand what I am talking about (otherwise I’m just going to plagiarize the shhh out of it).

The question: Do I love myself enough? I am a broken human being. But if I loved myself enough, I would be able to accept Christ’s love for me. Oh how freeing it would be. Dear little Trudi (even though you are way older now, that little person in the picture above will always exist inside) come as you are.

As the article says, stop scraping together your self worth and piecing together your sinful self. Embrace Christ’s love for you and then you will truly hold self love.

I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On

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We don’t fully know nor understand something until we experience it for ourselves.

Not death; not heartbreak; not terminal diseases…not even something extremely anticlimactic like failing a class or hitting way below average on an exam score.

As John Keats once wrote “Nothing ever becomes real ’til it is experienced.”

But as I’m sitting here in the car…watching the clouds sit peacefully in the sky, the words keep coming to me.

“I can’t go on. I’ll go on.”

Those words have been echoing in my head since I read them.

I can’t.

But I will.

Because I must.

Even though I may not be terminally ill, as my health seems to be thriving at the moment, this goes with every painful experience we face. To the terminally ill, to the depressed, to the anxiety, to the heartbreaks…we will go on. You will continue live.

As John 1:5 says, “the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.”

After reading When Breath Becomes Air, I decided to skim through Ecclesiastes again. Let me tell you, Solomon is one depressing guy.

“I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” – Ecclesiastes 1:14

Wisdom, pleasure, riches, folly, toil, and so forth are all meaningless. Solomon points us to find God-conscious joy (for more clarity I encourage you to read this article here),

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi is a beautiful and simplistic read full of raw truth.

Death is a final outcome of everything we accomplish in life. We don’t think about that though… as Paul Kalanithi said most of us live with a passivity toward it. A a neurosurgeon he actively engaged in it, consoling his patients into acceptance and rationality, but until he became a patient himself, he did not fully understand the pain in which suffering entails. He talks of his stages of grief in reverse, how he started from acceptance and moved to denial. Uncertain of how much time he had left; trying to grasp for the numbers. If he knew how much time, he would do things differently.

But as I sat in the car this afternoon, I thought of myself dying in a car crash that very second. Knowing that there is always a possible outcome of death, terminally ill or not, will I choose to live differently?

Even though Paul knew death was his fate, he refused to act as if he were dying. To choose to live and face the outcome we are all surely are going to face, that is a strength we will not know unless we experience it ourselves. As he said, even if he was dying, until he was dead, he still was living.

As Tim McGraw sings “lets live like we are dying..” why not live like we are living?

Having worked in the medical field myself for four years, I understood a sense of what Paul’s run in with terminal patients felt like. I understood the desensitized feelings. When his young doctor came in to check on him and was checking off the boxes. How many times did I do that when taking care of a patient? Many. Countless. So I could get onto the next one and clock out.

Human sympathy is a strange thing, the more it is pushed, the more apathetic we become, until we feel nothing at all.

Paul’s measure of what makes life worth living is something to learn from. Even though his manuscript went unfinished, his final written words to his daughter are this:

“When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.”

Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

Finding Joy in My Path

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

Today I had my last class ever at the University of Iowa. Next week, I will face finals and then I will graduate with my Bachelors in Political Science.

I’m looking at my cap and gown hanging on the wall as I write this. I’m thinking about seventeen when I graduated high school, and how fast those years went by…from community college, to becoming a certified nursing assistant, changing my major a million times, transferring to the University of Iowa, working on several campaigns, being an intern, traveling the country, and so much more.

It was a roller coaster, but I made it, and the changes to come are sweeping me away.

Away from Iowa. Away from the only place I have called home.

It’s strange how nothing changes and then everything changes all at once. Your heart tugs you different places and makes all these plans, but then God directs your steps, despite if it doesn’t make sense or it’s not what you want.

He is leading me down this path that is scary and excited at the same time and all I can do is trust Him and have patience.

I pray that I find joy in my path though.

Every decision I have made in life has been calculated, weighted, stressed over, reevaluated, back and forth, yes and no.
Don’t do this because it doesn’t make sense. Do this because it looks good. Make these decisions based on what people will think of you. Don’t do what you actually want to do because people will judge you.

Maybe it’s because I am always thinking about what others will think of me and I let let my fears and anxieties rule me, that I forget to trust Jesus…and to find joy in my path.

My path of life. My career path. My relationships.

I worry, over excessively. I make myself miserable to the point I cannot stand myself.

I woke up and I wasn’t seventeen anymore, starting college. I let these years past by stressing about money, trying to make all the right choices, working overtime while going to school full time.

I woke up at 22 realizing that I let it slip through my fingers. The joy I could have had in learning and thriving, but I didn’t. I let my joy slip through my fingers far too often. I stumped my growth to the point that when my senior year came around, I could not care less. I was tired and worn thin.

But now I’m graduating.

I don’t have all the answers in life, nor what the Lord has in store for me as I go on this new path. I just know that if I do not find joy along the way, no matter what path I’m on, I will be disheartened, miserable, and worn by the end.

So I’m trusting God as I walk this new path, that no matter what comes my way, I will face it with a spirit of grace, joy and, most importantly, peace.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

Afraid.

I was talking one night, talking about my future plans and how much I hate my job. I was talking about past relationships and how I can’t find anyone that I am comfortable with. I talked about being a senior in college and how uncertain everything is. I talked about my internship opportunity in D.C. and how I don’t know what I am doing…and that I’m scared.

I guess it took long enough to admit.

But I’m afraid of most things. I just put on a brave face and sassy attitude and act like the female-version of Rhett Butler and how I “frankly don’t give a dam”. But then I am Scarlett, walking away from it all and saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow”.

Stalling and not caring…or at least, saying I don’t care.

That’s me.

Today though, I looked around at all the things that I have grown comfortable with. Like driving. At first the road into town was scary and uncertain because I just didn’t have enough experience at the wheel. Now I can drive long distances without fear and I have confidence in my ability but also I trust Jesus that He will get me from one point to the next safely.

Just like in life. If only I could take that trust and transfer it to every situation I am in.

My college career will either be over after December, or I will go on to graduate school. My internship in D.C. will work out with ease or it will be rocky and not work out at all. I’ll either be single till tomorrow or I won’t get married till I’m thirty…or not at all. My job has an expiration date but it could be longer than I anticipate.

And even then, what job lays ahead? The future. It scares me.

But oddly enough I woke up yesterday not feeling scared anymore. I looked up and applied for housing around the D.C. area. I bought some more clothes for my internship. I scheduled some appointments.

It’s the waiting that gets me.

Waiting for the future. Because the longer I wait the more anxious I become and the more fearful I get.

And I need a heart of patience. I need a heart for a lot of things. To show more kindness and love. To be more frugal with my time and assets.

But let me get back to patience. I realize that I am going off on a lot of things from being afraid to confidence to patience. Hopefully it all comes full circle so I can tie it up in a nice little package for my readers (if I have any, let’s be honest, my reach toward stardom hasn’t gotten very far since I started this WordPress four long years ago).

I find myself checking my email like a crazy person because I am expecting some important emails to come through. When I was on a *cough* messaging app, I was constantly checking my phone hoping for some more messages and possibly “the one” to message me. Even during midterms, I was just trying to go through the motions and wishing it all to be over quick.

I’m in such a rush. A rush to find “the one”; a rush to get through college; a rush to figure out all my future plans. A rush to get through a work weekend because I don’t like my job.

Always rushing. It’s so tiring.

Because no matter how hard I try, nothing gets happens because it’s not in my control. I did my part. I am doing my part. It’s the other side that I am waiting on.

So there. I am afraid of uncertainty and don’t have the patience to wait on Jesus’ perfect timing.

The Bible talks about patience so much…

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

Galatians 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

And yet, I don’t take my time reading and studying it and pondering these things in my heart.

It’s so simple yet so hard. To just run to Jesus into His open arms and let my anxieties and fears go. To be completely joyfully patient, knowing that His timing is perfect, and even when disappointment hits my shoreline, to still have peace.

21 Songs.

These songs are pretty significant because they were once on constant repeat as I went about life at one point or another. Some I haven’t listened to in a while, but I still have nostalgia when I listen to them. It’s strange how songs can bring about certain smells or insignificant memories. Hurricane by Parachute (and honestly the entire album) reminds of me of fall and Salvation by Gabriella Aplin reminds me of the winter months my first year at my community college. Pictures Of You and Your Hand In Mine reminds me of the marathons of Friday Night Lights and Robin Hood. Butterfly by BTS is a shout out to all things Korean, but this song was probably the first one I heard that didn’t require a music video to watch with it because it’s beautiful by itself. Breathe Me by Sia reminds me of all things Jane Austen and don’t ask me why certain songs associate with such random memories, but they do and for that I love them. Stop and Stare by OneRepublic was my theme song when I started college and had to return to my old high school job. No One by Aly & AJ is a shout out to the Ice Princess and Princess Diaries and yes, I still listen to it on my playlist. Demons by Imagine Dragons was in a trailer for some really awful movie that was not good at all and I couldn’t stop listening to it afterwards. The trailer was better then the movie.

Salvation by Gabriella Aplin
Demons by Imagine Dragons
All This Time by OneRepublic
High Hopes by Kodaline
Say It Now by The Afters
Hunger by Ross Copperman
Your Hand In Mine by Explosions In The Sky
No One by Aly & AJ
Breathe Me by Sia
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Come Back When You Can by Barcelona
Hurricane by Parachute
Find My Way Back by Eric Arjes
Ships In The Night by Mat Kearney
Staring At It by SafetySuit
Pictures Of You by The Last Goodnight
Butterfly by BTS
Everybody’s Got Somebody But Me by Hunter Hayes
When I Was Younger by Liz Lawrence
Stop And Stare by OneRepublic
Chariots by Jacob Lee

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” – Maya Angelou

It’s A Wonderful Life

I’m sorry for my absence these past couple of months. So much as happened since my last entry that I honestly don’t know where I should begin. At this moment, I am recuperating from all the exams I had to take during Finals Week, and now I am looking forward to a few weeks off that I know will go by far to quickly, and working to supply the funds for my classy lifestyle (note the sarcasm please) and just resting.

This entire year has been a crash course honestly and it’s left me in a state of tiredness that I have never known before. My anxiety has reached its peak. My comfort zone has been stretched and worn thin. I’ve tried so hard, faced my own failures, and looked at all my shortcomings and felt my confidence dwindle to nothing.

But my God, have I grown. Grown and yet still in need of so much more growing. I’ve taken root in my surroundings; invested in people; I have learned to care; to love deeper, and try harder. Because as long as I tried; put forth the effort and put myself out there…that was success in itself. The simple act of trying.

I wait on the cuffs of expectation for the next year, whispering “it will be better” but the fact is, the situations don’t make me, but how I handle them. So maybe instead I’ll work on myself, shouting “I will be better!” instead of waiting for the daunting “it” to change.

This coming year is going to be full of the same old relentless trying with an innumerable amount of inner pep talks; trying to talk myself out of how I feel because how I feel is not always fact and sometimes, most of the time, it holds me back, because I like my corner, as awkward as it is, it is quite comfortable. But I don’t want to be live the comfortable life as uncomfortable as it is breaking out of my comfort zone (if that makes sense).

This year I’m going to be more confident, and if that means faking confidence, then so be it. Maybe I’ll acquire the real thing along the way. I’m not going to let the fear hold me back anymore because I’m always going to be scared. I’m going to learn to love myself despite the tendency to see all my flaws and belittle myself. Because you can’t love others half as well if you don’t know how to love and care for your own self first. Along the way, I’m going to learn how to be selfless and more giving of my time and assets to others and work on making the relationships I have stronger.

Most importantly, grow closer to Jesus. Because honestly, if I just grow closer to Him, everything else will fall into place. I’ll have more confidence and more love to give because HE makes me better, stronger and more willing.

I’m on a journey of self betterment and my heart is yearning for adventure. I’m excited but I have no expectations. Because 365 days are wrapped up in a year. That’s a lot of hours/minutes/seconds to go through. My tendency to trace out my life plans with an innumerable amount of sticky notes on my desk makes me more anxious than prepared. If I just step away and put Jesus first where He rightly deserves to be, than my plans make more sense and I have a more sure step into the future.

The end of 2017 will spring me into another unknown world but I’m going to focus on the two semesters and one summer I have left of being a college student because it’s exciting. It’s not going to be all excitement but for the most part, it’s going to be a great year despite everything that may happen. You want to know why? Because I got butterflies and goosebumps and that could be a good or bad thing but it’s okay.

Because my philosophy is simple: if it scares you, if you feel butterflies, go for it and if it doesn’t work out, let yourself be disappointed because it’s okay to be disappointed, but then move on and try for something better, because it’s all in God’s plan.

2017 is my senior year and I’m ready.

2016, you were a bunch of things wrapped into one. But you held so much more than I ever could have imagined.

As I seem to look at life with a George Bailey perspective.

“I’m shakin’ the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I’m gonna see the world”

Someday I will. But at this moment it’s home. But my God I am loved. It’s lovely to be loved by people who know you at your worst and see you at your best. Who find joy in your joy and comfort you when you fail.

Thank you Jesus, for this truly wonderful life you have given me.

“No man is a failure who has friends”

The Two Decade Roommate.

Now a month ago, I got rid of my acrylic paints and brushes that I had bought the same day I had taken out my first car loan. It was on a whim and I was 17 years old. I had high hopes of becoming an artist but lacked the talent, so alas! After almost 4 years of being cooped up in a box with my “stamp” collection (another failed attempt of me being “crafty”), I decided to say goodbye and blessed my Mom with a present of old textbooks, paints and brushes.

I’ve been feeling slightly sentimental of late, which is probably what has been stopping me from getting rid of more stuff that I have stowed away in boxes. All my old class notes, writings of mine (and Hope’s that I found on the wayside, meant for the trash can), and other sentimentalities, like a piece of a cracker jacks box and a rusty old penny, I keep hidden away. Sometimes I hate my memories and try desperately to forget something or some person existed, but I hold on for dear life to the insignificant and happy.

But then comes goodbye.

My roommate of 20 years is moving out. I caught myself looking forlornly across the room at her socks scattered on the floor and her messed up bed and chided myself.

She’s only moving how many minutes away.

I’m both happy and sad. Sad for me, happy for her. Happy for more space but scared to be alone. She’s my big sister, my best friend despite all that we have been through. I love her to pieces, and now goodbye is coming.

At times it felt like we would be stuck together forever. Now, no more fighting over who has to clean the bathroom. No more hounding you to clean up your side of the room and for heaven’s sake, throw your dirty socks in the laundry. No more spitefully dusting my half of the dresser and leaving your side untouched. No more inconsiderate moaning as I come in late from work or from a long night of studying. No more late night talks about life before we fall asleep. I remember when we were little and all the ridiculous bedtimes stories you would tell me. We would laugh and laugh….but somewhere down the road we stopped being so silly. Even though we still have our good times. Somewhere between graduation and college, we found different interests, jobs and friends. We wanted to stop living in each others shadows, I guess. Which is understandable, but still hard nonetheless. I remember how many times I thought I had been replaced as we grew up. It seemed at times that you were always too far gone for me to reach, that you never wanted to hang out with me because I was just your little sister. You would then go find other “sisters” who were the same age as me, yet somehow more mature in your eyes. I have to admit, at times I would be jealous…and cared way too much about what you were doing. But then one point came when I stopped living in comparison and stopped being jealous. I decided to be me, and let you be you.

But that just grew a wider gap between us.

But we always shared a room.

I could always count on you being there at the end of the day. We didn’t even have to talk or say one word to each other. There was just comfort in knowing that we couldn’t be entirely apart because our beds were only a few feet from each other.

But now there is nothing to keep us from growing apart. Now there will be more space for us both to stretch…but somehow I can’t quite picture room without you in it. How will it feel to come home and you not being there? I probably won’t notice at first. After all, we have gone a couple weeks apart. But after a month, and then the next…it will probably dawn on me that you really aren’t going to be my forever roommate, but that we will really did have a time limit and now I’m all alone with more space to put my things, but my heart will be overcrowded with lonesomeness.

Ah, look at me getting all sappy. It’s not like your moving a million miles away. Geez. Pull yourself together Trudi.

I’ll miss you Hope. I hope we grow closer and our sisterly love will only grow stronger. I just want you to know, contrary to your opinion, that I am impressed by you. I am so blessed to have you as my older sister. You may not like the first born status, but you’ve made my life easier by being so. You’ve showed me the ropes of college. You went through all the firsts and paved a path that I sometimes chose to follow. Heehee. Even a few week you helped me find dress pants for my internship (what can I say, the only pants I have are in scrub form). I love it that you’re my older sister and my friend. You don’t know how highly I think of you, and often you think of me as judging you, but that’s only because I have these unrealistic high expectations of you that I shouldn’t have I guess. But I’m always going to expect the best of you, because you are the best.

Hope…just know that I’m always here. I’m always praying for you. I’m always loving you. I’m always wishing the best for you. I’m always happy for you in all your accomplishments.

So now your side of the closet is getting empty. Your books are packed away. I’ll act all tough, but you may get a wailing phone call a couple nights later.

Remember your first roommate and how awesome she was. Because she sure is going to miss you.

Love you Hopie.

Your little sister (and best friend forever…literally, forever. FOR.EV.ER.)

My Skincare Obsession

When I became a CNA, I began to value the use of lotion. Due to the unbelievable amount of washing of hands and use of hand sanitizer, my hands would become dry, red and cracked. But I couldn’t stop washing my hands obviously and even hand sanitizer is a necessity when you don’t have time to run to a sink after answering one call light to the next. I realized the value of skincare because seeing the older generation that took care of their skin versus those who didn’t…there is a big difference.

So today I’m going to talk about my skincare routine and products I use everyday or every week if needed.

The product I’ve been using the longest is my Clinique 3-Step Facial Routine Dry Combination. It’s so simple and fast, and the reasons I love Clinique are because they are cheaper in the higher end department; no added fragrance that makes me get a headache (or gives anyone else a headache for that matter), and since my skin is dry, it’s just perfect. The facial soap goes a long way with one drop and I love how soft it makes my skin. The clarifying lotion is amazing and comes in such a big bottle that it’s usually the last product I run out of, and the lotion is a must for me! It’s usually the one I run out of first because two pumps 1-2 times a day doesn’t get very far with my dry skin.

I recently bought the Rinse-Off Foaming Cleanser by Clinique after using Cetaphil for a while but realized that it really didn’t contain anything else but Parabens. I thought it was working, but it was only clogging my pores, so I ended up pouring it down the drain. 10 dollars wasted. I don’t use the cleanser everyday, I usually only use it at night after a long and gross day at work or after I wear a full face of makeup (which is not very often) all day at school. I just add it with my normal skincare routine, but my 3-Step system is an everyday must. Plus, the cleanser, like the soap, last forever because you literally just need a dot of product!

Another facial product I bought about a while back is My Scheming Blackhead Acne Removal Carbon 3 Step Mask. I don’t use this very often, but I’m sure it would be more effective if I did. I really like this product though. It’s from Taiwan and I’m not sure of all the ingredients it holds, but it really does work (if you follow the three steps correctly!). I love pulling off the charcoal mask and seeing all the gross stuff coming out of my pores. it’s so freaking satisfying and my skin feels so clean…just thinking about it makes me want to go and use it right now.

The next step in my skin care routine is the most amazing body lotion ever. Honest Ultra Calming Lavender Body Lotion. I use it every night and it’s just a relaxing and moisturizing lotion that leaves my hands and arms feeling so soft! I can only find it in the baby section at Target, but it’s only in that section because it’s such a safe and gentle lotion.

I recently bought the SheaMoisture Superfruit Complex Hand and Body Scrub that I just love. I use it every week, if not a couple of times a week, and then put on my lavender lotion after. The only thing is that I might go with a different SheaMoisture Hand and Body Scrub due to the fruity scent the one I have holds. It’s okay because it’s all natural, but I like to have as much of a subtle smell as possible and it just draws too much attention sometimes.

Another rather random thing I do is I use the Elf Lip Exfoliator. It’s really cheap at like a couple dollar or so and it really does work. You just wipe it across your lips a couple of times and the sugar comes off the stick and smooths out your lips. After which I apply my EOS chapstick. I think though that I may try to make my own sugar lip scrub with sugar and honey seeing as the Lip Exfoliator isn’t much other then sugar on a stick, but I actually don’t have honey at the moment…so I’ll just stick with this 😉

My Heart

I just want to be honest. I realize that admitting to my imperfections won’t make me a better person. I realize that saying “I’m only human” is kind of a lame excuse as well. I am human. I am Trudi. One of a kind, but not my own. I am a child of God, a sinner saved by grace in need of constant forgiveness by a constant forgiver. Jesus.

I know it is a Sunday school answer. But it is the truth. Jesus is the answer to every struggling, fearing, anxious heart. It doesn’t mean the life of being a Christian is easy. In fact, the simplicity of loving Jesus and giving it all over to Him is complicated because we make it complicated.

Because we are humans. We are so set on making simple answer complex, but it’s actually really easy and it’s okay that the answer is easy. It doesn’t make the process easier. It doesn’t make believing it easier. It just means we know the answer to all our wants and needs in this life is easy but do we live the answer as if we believe that Jesus is truly the answer to our problems?

No. We don’t.

I am going to lay out a piece of my heart right now that I hope won’t be trampled on. I am going to admit one of my many worldly struggles.

Makeup.

Self worth.

Wanting to appear as something I’m not.

Wanting to appear perfect to others.

I realized that every time I bought more makeup, my heart was instantaneously happy. I always had trouble with my outward appearance and how I appeared to others, that this instant gratification with makeup (as well as clothing) made me feel better about myself.

But it didn’t make me a different person.

I can put on all the fine clothes and as much makeup as my heart desired. I could cover up the dark circles under my eyes, but my tired heart still showed through. Deep inside I am the person I don’t like and it’s harder to change the person inside then it is outward.

That was when I realized it was a heart issue. My heart longs for perfection, but there is no perfection outside of Christ and His love for us. I idealize how I wish to look, or how I wish to appear to others as an all together well rounded and “I have everything figured out with my life” type of person but the truth is, I could list a million things that went wrong with my heart today and my time.

But I’m not going to do that.

Because I’m not pointing my imperfections out to make me seem like a humble person. I’m not humble. I’m selfish. I can go on and say that everything is okay because Jesus loves me and I love Him, but you and I both know that the struggle is still there. The constant choice to love Him or love myself.

Or put others before Him simply because I care more about what other people think then Jesus.

Oh, but now that I’ve realized this, everything is okay now and tomorrow Jesus will be put first in everything that I do.

Wrong. Because I know tomorrow my imperfect heart will lead me astray.

But thankfully, Jesus saved, saves and will always save.

So, I’m done covering up my heart with the metaphorical makeup that washes away. Jesus is permanent in this temporary existence to eternity. He is and will always be.