Thank You, Next

Laughing at how funny we are

Cory and i

Facetime with Nat 🙂

Violet, Ruby and I

That jacket though

Yeah…

Bowling and being awkward

Cheese balls!

Ummm

Facetime with the big sis

Capitol Tour with the fam

Speaking on a panel in Moscow, Russia

Blue lights. Enough said.

Fries and Ranch with Liv

“I find it interesting that this has been one of the best years of my career and the worst of my life,” Grande said. “A lot of people would look at someone in my position right now as an artist that could be at her peak and think, ‘She’s really got her sh** together, she’s really on it. She’s got it all.’ And I do, but as far as my personal life goes, I really have no idea what[…]I’m doing[…]and as of late I’ve discovered that it’s the things I’ve always had and the people I’ve always had that still make me the happiest.”

A year ago, I graduated from college. I got a new job. I moved almost a thousand miles away. I learned how to be an adult. I experienced so much love counteracted by heartbreak, grief and loneliness. I went to a foreign country for the first time. I planned a global conference. I’ve helped different families in minor or significant ways in over 80 different countries.

It’s been a crazy year.

In the midst of all those changes and challenges were a lot of tears. I learned a lot about me, and yet still know nothing at all.

Tears fell as I sat in my room a couple nights before my graduation as I stared at the cap and gown waiting to be worn across a platform to accept my degree.

Tears were shed on the interstate from Iowa to Virginia in my car full of all my belongings.

Tears spilled in the hall as the background echoed cheers at the close of the last session in Moscow, Russia.

Tears fell on a plane bound home to Iowa for a couple of weeks – a girl who once believed that heartbreak was purely metaphorical, found out it was actually quite physical and yet could only be healed by time and patience.

2018 showed me I am a constant work in progress, but aren’t we all?

Most importantly – I have learned to forgive. I learned to forgive others, myself and to accept the forgiveness Christ so freely offers me.

I have learned so much this year about love and forgiveness through my broken experiences. As Matt Heard said “The worst kind of pain is wasted pain”. So will I use my brokenness to push me into the next stage of life and grow me spiritually, mentally and emotionally and make me wiser? Or will I waste the pain and have it hinder my growth? Will it harden or strengthen my heart? Can I trust God to redeem my pain?

I settle my heart down and let the pain in. I will cast all my anxieties upon Him because He cares for me. He will lead me beside the still waters. He will restore my soul. He will lead me down a path of righteousness, but also a path of joy and peace.

Psalms 34:18 says:

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

This year taught me love, patience and pain, but it also taught me how to understand and sympathize, it taught what it truly means to be selfless, but it also taught me how important it is to take care of myself – to take my God-sized needs to Christ, that in order to be a source of life, I need to have Jesus be my source of life first.

On the days that I couldn’t get out of bed, something so simple my sister said has stuck with me since “sometimes you have to do what is good for you, not what you want to do”.

I repeat these words on the many days I don’t want to work out. On the days I don’t want to leave my bed. On the days that I don’t want to eat a certain way. On the Sundays when I don’t feel like going to church. When I fall into my hermit-like tendencies. When praying is hard. When reading my Bible is about as unappealing as carrots (I greatly dislike carrots by the way).

In more ways than one I see how God interwove that theme into my life this year. Jesus saying “Sometimes I have to do what is good for you, not what you want me to.”

As Jeremiah 29:11 says:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

So thank you 2018; for all that you offered and took away; for all the people that came and went – and most importantly, to those I’ve always had and will never leave. 2018 made me realize that the people I have always had – are the ones that make me the happiest still and you can see some of them pictured above. I love these people. So much.

2019 is whispering on the threshold “it will be happier” as Tennyson says but I think I like T.S. Eliot’s quote better:

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”

So thank you 2018.

Thank you, next.

In The Quiet

D.C. is a place full of noise; ambition, and ladders to climb…

But there are certain places you find that make you remember that there is more than that when you find the quiet.

The Jefferson Memorial sits beside the basin of the Potomac, looking towards the Washington Monument that stands as a beacon in the city. It’s quiet there. Couples will sit on the steps and talk about their hopes and dreams…some of us will eat ice cream and talk for hours about what we want to be.

Behind the Lincoln Memorial, you will find a quiet spot to rest, as the crowds swarm inside to get a peak of Lincoln and his gigantic frame.

There are the places that go untouched…and one of those secluded places is Theodore Roosevelt’s Island. It sits on the Potomac, where you have to take a walking bridge to get to the inside. There, in the heart of the island, you will find Theodore Roosevelt, looming ahead with his arm raised.

Behind him, there is a series of quote on Youth.

“I want to see you game, boys, I want to see you brave and manly, and I also want to see you gentle and tender. (Address at Friends School, Washington, DC, May 24, 1907) • Be practical as well are generous in your ideals. Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground. (Speech at Prize Day Exercises at Groton School, Groton, MA, May 24 1904) • Courage, hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort are all essential to successful life. (America and the World War, 1915) • Alike for the nation and the individual, the one indispensable requisite is character. (American Ideals, 1897).”

At 42, Roosevelt became the youngest man to serve as president when McKinley was assassinated in 1901. He was a progressive, championing the Square Deal, and mediated the Treaty of Portsmouth to end the Russo-Japanese War, along with that he wanted to preserve our national resources with national parks, forests, and monuments. He remains one of the top five presidents in popularity.

Sitting in the middle of the island, those quotes ring out as a quiet reminder to those who can find the secluded spot, that the generation to come must be brave. We must have courage; hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort. We must have character as the heart of our nation turns some of us into the villains we despise and some of us into the heroes we never thought we could be.

When I read these quotes I feel a sense of urgency. My life hasn’t been easy, easier than some, but everyone experiences trials and hardships.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Teddy says courage. Courage to stand up when it counts. Courage to sit down and listen. Courage to take leaps when you are not sure what the outcome will be. Courage to place in yourself and others.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

The youth in us all dares to dream. But Teddy says to be mindful. Keep your feet planted in reality.

Work hard. Even when the going gets tough and you have to keep on. Sometimes their will seem to be no benefit to all the trying.

But keep going.

Teddy says to be a master of your own self. Not others.

He wants to see you have intelligent effort. He didn’t say to be smarter than everyone else. No one cares about how much you know until they see how much you care.

And add that all together…character is the indispensable requisite to life.

Don’t let the world steal you away; the ladder of ambition is ceaseless but the higher the fall.

Be kind. Be brave.

Step into adulthood with those qualities.

“A man’s usefulness depends upon his living up to his ideals in so far as he can. (A Letter to Dr. Sturgis Bigelow, March 29, 1898) • It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. (The Strenuous Life, 1900) • All daring and courage, all iron endurance of misfortune make for a finer and nobler type of manhood. (Address to Naval War College, June 2, 1897) • Only those are fit to live who do not fear to die: and none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. (The Great Adventure, 1918).”

I use to wonder why the secluded monuments were the best. It’s because they are quiet and don’t hold as much people. You can sit and reflect.

There is a reason the water fountain in the center of the World War II Memorial is loud enough to drown out the noise of the people talking.

In the quiet we find what we need. We find understanding and empathy.

So if your on Teddy’s little island one of these days or in a secluded spot that no one really knows about in D.C.

Walk around.

Sit.

Listen.

You may find yourself some peace as you sit in the quiet.

Self Love.

You’re not pretty, you’re ugly.

You have a double chin and a big nose.

You are not lovable.

You’re not funny.

You’re not smart.

You need to lose weight.

When I look in the mirror…

I think all of these things and more.

Even though I know that we are all created in God’s image. Even though I know that Jesus loves me. Even though I know that my perfectionism is unattainable.

I don’t love myself. I don’t think that I am good at anything. I have no confidence. My insecurities, self doubt, anxieties and sinful nature trail into my relationships with my family, friends and Jesus. It hurts me and it hurts others in the process.

There is a quote that says that you should be selfless but not think of your self less. I remember reading that quote one day and thinking how I seemed to mistake loving myself, and doing what is best for me, as a form of pride and selfishness. I remember reading this quote and thinking “Wow, I really am not selfless at all…or at least my form of selflessness is not healthy.”

It’s not.

If I have learned anything in the last six months, is that I can’t love others properly if I cannot love myself.

I use to think all those female celebrities were so generic. They always are telling you to love yourself and be authentically you, but I think there is something missing in that equation.

Jesus. Such a Sunday school answer. I know. If I were my authentic self, sin would take over. My default setting is to sin. By the world’s standards I am a “good” person…but good only can go so far.

If anyone knows me, they know that I will never boast about myself. If I do, it’s in a complete joking way. In fact, if you give me a compliment, I won’t believe you. I used to think “Trudi, why don’t you believe a compliment?” but the truth was that all I could think was “if they only could see inside me…they would think differently”.

I could cry thinking of how I would and still tear myself down until there are figurative shreds of myself on the floor, giving people the capacity to stomp on me because I have no confidence.

I came to the realization that my searching for love and acceptance of myself has been me trying to love out my flaws (or look for other people to do so); an inward battle between me, myself and I, leaving me unsatisfied.

I was talking to my Mom one night about how I hated myself.

She referenced some video she saw on Facebook, and asked me to look at a picture of myself as a baby.

Childhood Photo.jpg

She asked me to say all the things I was saying to myself in the mirror right now while looking at this picture.

“Trudi, you’re not pretty or cute. You’re not smart. You need to lose weight. You are not lovable…”

I did this one night. I found this picture my Mom posted on Facebook and started saying all the insecurities and self-hate I held for myself while looking at this picture.

The results: tears.

Because when I look at this picture, I see a sweet, innocent, little girl. A girl who would sing at the top of her lungs in the car. Who would go running outside to search for ladybugs and pick really pretty weeds. She would play in the sandbox for hours. She would ride her little tricycle on the pavement on a pretend road made out of chalk.

Little Trudi. You are so loved. You are so smart. If you only knew the hardships to come but also all that you would accomplish. It breaks my heart to know that the little heart in this photo has ever known suffering.

I sound like my Mom right now…

You know in the Bible it says multiple times to “love your neighbor as yourself”. But if you do not know how to love yourself, how can you love your neighbor?

So, that is what I’m learning. I’m not talking about self-love. I’m talking about TRUE self love. The loves that does not see my sins bigger than my virtues, but the redeemed kind. The kind of love that holds freedom; that doesn’t keep gazing inward, but outward toward Jesus Christ.

I encourage you to read this article here in order to understand what I am talking about (otherwise I’m just going to plagiarize the shhh out of it).

The question: Do I love myself enough? I am a broken human being. But if I loved myself enough, I would be able to accept Christ’s love for me. Oh how freeing it would be. Dear little Trudi (even though you are way older now, that little person in the picture above will always exist inside) come as you are.

As the article says, stop scraping together your self worth and piecing together your sinful self. Embrace Christ’s love for you and then you will truly hold self love.

Afraid.

I was talking one night, talking about my future plans and how much I hate my job. I was talking about past relationships and how I can’t find anyone that I am comfortable with. I talked about being a senior in college and how uncertain everything is. I talked about my internship opportunity in D.C. and how I don’t know what I am doing…and that I’m scared.

I guess it took long enough to admit.

But I’m afraid of most things. I just put on a brave face and sassy attitude and act like the female-version of Rhett Butler and how I “frankly don’t give a dam”. But then I am Scarlett, walking away from it all and saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow”.

Stalling and not caring…or at least, saying I don’t care.

That’s me.

Today though, I looked around at all the things that I have grown comfortable with. Like driving. At first the road into town was scary and uncertain because I just didn’t have enough experience at the wheel. Now I can drive long distances without fear and I have confidence in my ability but also I trust Jesus that He will get me from one point to the next safely.

Just like in life. If only I could take that trust and transfer it to every situation I am in.

My college career will either be over after December, or I will go on to graduate school. My internship in D.C. will work out with ease or it will be rocky and not work out at all. I’ll either be single till tomorrow or I won’t get married till I’m thirty…or not at all. My job has an expiration date but it could be longer than I anticipate.

And even then, what job lays ahead? The future. It scares me.

But oddly enough I woke up yesterday not feeling scared anymore. I looked up and applied for housing around the D.C. area. I bought some more clothes for my internship. I scheduled some appointments.

It’s the waiting that gets me.

Waiting for the future. Because the longer I wait the more anxious I become and the more fearful I get.

And I need a heart of patience. I need a heart for a lot of things. To show more kindness and love. To be more frugal with my time and assets.

But let me get back to patience. I realize that I am going off on a lot of things from being afraid to confidence to patience. Hopefully it all comes full circle so I can tie it up in a nice little package for my readers (if I have any, let’s be honest, my reach toward stardom hasn’t gotten very far since I started this WordPress four long years ago).

I find myself checking my email like a crazy person because I am expecting some important emails to come through. When I was on a *cough* messaging app, I was constantly checking my phone hoping for some more messages and possibly “the one” to message me. Even during midterms, I was just trying to go through the motions and wishing it all to be over quick.

I’m in such a rush. A rush to find “the one”; a rush to get through college; a rush to figure out all my future plans. A rush to get through a work weekend because I don’t like my job.

Always rushing. It’s so tiring.

Because no matter how hard I try, nothing gets happens because it’s not in my control. I did my part. I am doing my part. It’s the other side that I am waiting on.

So there. I am afraid of uncertainty and don’t have the patience to wait on Jesus’ perfect timing.

The Bible talks about patience so much…

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

Galatians 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

And yet, I don’t take my time reading and studying it and pondering these things in my heart.

It’s so simple yet so hard. To just run to Jesus into His open arms and let my anxieties and fears go. To be completely joyfully patient, knowing that His timing is perfect, and even when disappointment hits my shoreline, to still have peace.

It’s A Wonderful Life

I’m sorry for my absence these past couple of months. So much as happened since my last entry that I honestly don’t know where I should begin. At this moment, I am recuperating from all the exams I had to take during Finals Week, and now I am looking forward to a few weeks off that I know will go by far to quickly, and working to supply the funds for my classy lifestyle (note the sarcasm please) and just resting.

This entire year has been a crash course honestly and it’s left me in a state of tiredness that I have never known before. My anxiety has reached its peak. My comfort zone has been stretched and worn thin. I’ve tried so hard, faced my own failures, and looked at all my shortcomings and felt my confidence dwindle to nothing.

But my God, have I grown. Grown and yet still in need of so much more growing. I’ve taken root in my surroundings; invested in people; I have learned to care; to love deeper, and try harder. Because as long as I tried; put forth the effort and put myself out there…that was success in itself. The simple act of trying.

I wait on the cuffs of expectation for the next year, whispering “it will be better” but the fact is, the situations don’t make me, but how I handle them. So maybe instead I’ll work on myself, shouting “I will be better!” instead of waiting for the daunting “it” to change.

This coming year is going to be full of the same old relentless trying with an innumerable amount of inner pep talks; trying to talk myself out of how I feel because how I feel is not always fact and sometimes, most of the time, it holds me back, because I like my corner, as awkward as it is, it is quite comfortable. But I don’t want to be live the comfortable life as uncomfortable as it is breaking out of my comfort zone (if that makes sense).

This year I’m going to be more confident, and if that means faking confidence, then so be it. Maybe I’ll acquire the real thing along the way. I’m not going to let the fear hold me back anymore because I’m always going to be scared. I’m going to learn to love myself despite the tendency to see all my flaws and belittle myself. Because you can’t love others half as well if you don’t know how to love and care for your own self first. Along the way, I’m going to learn how to be selfless and more giving of my time and assets to others and work on making the relationships I have stronger.

Most importantly, grow closer to Jesus. Because honestly, if I just grow closer to Him, everything else will fall into place. I’ll have more confidence and more love to give because HE makes me better, stronger and more willing.

I’m on a journey of self betterment and my heart is yearning for adventure. I’m excited but I have no expectations. Because 365 days are wrapped up in a year. That’s a lot of hours/minutes/seconds to go through. My tendency to trace out my life plans with an innumerable amount of sticky notes on my desk makes me more anxious than prepared. If I just step away and put Jesus first where He rightly deserves to be, than my plans make more sense and I have a more sure step into the future.

The end of 2017 will spring me into another unknown world but I’m going to focus on the two semesters and one summer I have left of being a college student because it’s exciting. It’s not going to be all excitement but for the most part, it’s going to be a great year despite everything that may happen. You want to know why? Because I got butterflies and goosebumps and that could be a good or bad thing but it’s okay.

Because my philosophy is simple: if it scares you, if you feel butterflies, go for it and if it doesn’t work out, let yourself be disappointed because it’s okay to be disappointed, but then move on and try for something better, because it’s all in God’s plan.

2017 is my senior year and I’m ready.

2016, you were a bunch of things wrapped into one. But you held so much more than I ever could have imagined.

As I seem to look at life with a George Bailey perspective.

“I’m shakin’ the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I’m gonna see the world”

Someday I will. But at this moment it’s home. But my God I am loved. It’s lovely to be loved by people who know you at your worst and see you at your best. Who find joy in your joy and comfort you when you fail.

Thank you Jesus, for this truly wonderful life you have given me.

“No man is a failure who has friends”

Just A Thought.

This is probably the awkwardest picture of a jar of paint brushes you will ever see. One day, a long time ago, I thought I was going to be an artist. The dream died but I still like to look at my brushes because I think they are more pretty then my paintings. PS: Setting them on a bookshelf was suppose to be artistic. Oh and Nancy Drew for the win.

Some days everything is alright. The sun is shining; the long day’s worth of school is cut short with a sudden cancelation of your night class, and before you know it the semester will be over and you will walk out of class with the birds chirping and 60 degree weather that feels oh so good.
Life is messy most of the time but sometimes it’s okay.
You look forward to the future but sometimes you have to stop focusing on the big things. Like college graduation, finding a job, and going through all the phases of adulthood that plummet towards you as you leave the past self of term papers and tests behind.
Instead sometimes you just need to focus on today and what little bits of joy it will bring you.
When you look too long at the big picture you start worrying and fretting over how incomplete it looks.
We forget sometimes that tomorrow is just another stroke of the brush. You paint flowers in your garden and you make minor details to your clouds of possibilities.
Sometimes the colors are just completely wrong and you have to tear off the page and start again. Sometimes you make a wrong stroke and your forced to repair the mistake, and even once it’s fixed and barely noticeable, you know it’s there and it bothers you to the point that you think you have to start again when you really don’t.
To be honest, life is kind of like painting with your eyes closed sometimes. You don’t know how it’s going to turn out. You just have to trust God to keep your hand steady as you paint.
But trust me…once you open them, it will be a beautiful masterpiece.

Threshold

Another year is coming to a close.

How can everything be so different yet so much the same?

As much that has happened this year, there really isn’t much to say about it.

365 days have gone by and yet…I am still me. Socially awkward and temperamental Trudi.

I feel like as soon as the clock strikes midnight I will lose something.

The sense of security, perhaps? You get so comfortable in the year that you are in that before you know it, it’s time to say goodbye.

But I can’t say I’ll miss it. The next year is full of such mystery, enticing me to come hither. Maybe that is what makes 2015 (and every other new year) so exciting. The unknown of it all.

It’s a little frightening.

But I know everything will be okay. That is the hope that we cling to. That no matter how screwed up and messy life gets, it will all be okay in the end.

Oh, life is so unutterable sweet sometimes and then it’s in the “depths of despair” and then it’s okay again and then nothing happens and then everything happens at once.

I feel as if I’m on the threshold of something and I don’t know what it is. All the dust is crowding on all the things that I loved. I feel as if adolescence is truly behind me and now I’m an adult. I’m stepping into an empty room and I’m not sure what to put there.

So much hope springs from the unknown. The idea of greatness; the expectation that softens the blow as reality hits.

All these sweet, sad goodbyes are making me nostalgic. All the times I spent mulling over my future plans, I didn’t really enjoy the year as much as I should have. I forgot to make more memories. Instead I was too busy trying to achieve all these goals. Trying to be all impressive when in the end I only ended up straining myself and falling into anxiety and stress.

I guess, as I step over this threshold and the clock strikes midnight…I’m not going to wish for a better year, but a better me. The only thing I can change is myself.

So, I’ll raise my sparkling glass of grape juice to the New Year and I’ll see you all in 2015.

“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”- Brad Paisley