For A Time

I’m sitting here trying to contemplate life and the endless cycle. The grief-torn world we live in; the startling reality that we all must die at some point, not knowing when or where…it’s inescapable.

For a time we are here…

Waking up, going to work, getting the groceries, filling our days with tasks that feel like they are endless and piling up. Brush your teeth, make the coffee, get dressed. It gets monotonous and aggravating at times, and even on the good days, chores are always there.

We get hung up on the material, when can I buy that house? When will I be able to get that promotion or new job? There is always a brighter future around the corner.

We are faced with challenges, like anxiety, depression, and other health-related issues that cause us to question our existence in this world, clinging to Jesus, and trying to hold fast to the hope that will drown out the fear of whatever the future has in store.

Sometimes we look longingly at the future, and other times we despise it; fearful it may cause more issues than in the present.

But the future, is a privilege, that some are denied. But here again, I say, for a time such as this, we are here.

No amount of money or status will make me happy. While I fall into the lie that I need more, in this consumer world, in this earthly body, I need more. My sinful nature craves excess materials such as clothes, food, and money. But also, my heart longs for the community, and to be known by my friends, and by people, to have something in a Wikipedia article that will live on the internet.

But earlier today I passed by a cemetery, every one of those tombstones has a life and a story that not everyone will know. Not everyone will make their mark in the world, but dare I say, that the most small, town grandma can speak into her children’s and grandchildren’s lives and create a legacy. A friend gone too soon can cause a ripple effect in other people’s lives and make Christ known even after death. A little boy, far too young, proclaiming Jesus is still good through his death by his parents.

We all long for more time with our loved ones. No amount will truly satisfy us even if we spend every second of the day with those who are now gone.

The desire to have more and more creates a desire that only can exist within our heavenly home, to be one with Christ, who is outside of time. Outside of the care of this world.

Christ is relational. He calls us to grow as a body, He calls us to foster relationships, to be kind to one another, and to love one another as a forecast of His love. How easily we get sucked in the day-to-day that we forget why we are here. And we forget that time is a currency that can not be gained back.

As Christians, as God’s people, we are here to hold fast to our relationships. Sometimes it’s not the most comfortable, sometimes you have to stay up late and talk all night about whatever it may be; sometimes you need to give hugs and show sympathy even if you’re having a bad day yourself. Sometimes, we have to forget ourselves to be a friend to others.

Friendships are the kind of love that is not romantic but is the hardest because friendships of various levels don’t all have the same expectations, there is a hierarchy of friendships in everyone’s lives. Still, I’m challenging myself and you, to look outside the hierarchy and just love the people in your life.

And the other types of love, family especially…call more. Go to them more. Ask them to hang out more. Be present with them.

For a time we are here. For a time like this, we must not wait. For a time such as this, we must love and cherish.

But for a time it is!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Take This Cup.

Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” I was lying flat on my back staring up at the ceiling and “take this cup” just kept repeating.

I was listening to a song today by Chris Renzema and the lyrics went like this:

Cause He’ll finish what He starts
He started this I know
But if you saw the plans
Maybe you wouldn’t go…

I was thinking about how Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives for the Father to take this cup from Him. The next verse goes further “and being in agony he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”

Jesus being Christ knew all that was to happen to Him in the coming days. According to a study on this particular section, “some consider Luke’s description as mere simile—Jesus’ sweat fell to the ground in large, heavy drops, the way that blood drips from an open wound. However, there exists a medical condition that produces the symptoms described and explains Luke’s mention of blood. Hematidrosis is a rare, but very real, medical condition that causes one’s sweat to contain blood. The sweat glands are surrounded by tiny blood vessels that can constrict and then dilate to the point of rupture, causing blood to effuse into the sweat glands. The cause of hematidrosis is extreme anguish” (GotQuestions.org).

Crucifixion is the most painful death and yet Jesus willingly took on the sins of the world and cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” as the final sacrifice for us.

Maybe if I saw the plans God had in store for me, maybe I wouldn’t go. Maybe I could armor myself better or choose a different route. I’m not Jesus.

But oh to strive to be like Him…

I think one thing that really stands out to me is that Jesus didn’t stifle His anguish for what was to come or what He was experiencing. He trusted God and knew what needed to be done, but He still prayed. He still felt that grief.

It’s okay to grieve while experiencing physical or emotional pain but it’s also possible to be joyous in those times.

2021 has been in a year of mental, emotional, and physical turmoil. I pray and ask God daily – please take this cup. Please take this cup so I can experience joy. After all that I have been through this year in my personal health, I found myself feeling that I shouldn’t have joy or feel content until the problems are fixed because then I can live my best life. It was almost as if, and something I’m still struggling with, that I was telling God that I could not and will not possibly grow through the season I am in. I cannot grow in the metaphorical winter season that I feel stuck inside until better conditions come around and I can be joyous.

Christ took the cup thousands of years ago one night in Bethlehem.

I went to a Christy Nockels concert at a local church a few weeks ago and she told the story about the Shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night. You see, they were not ordinary shepherds, they were fulfilling temple duties and these flocks that were being watched were for sacrificing. The newborn lambs would be swaddled in special temple cloth to keep from blemish. So, when the Angel of the Lord appeared before them and said “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger” (Luke 2:10-12).

The final sacrifice.

And so we cut back to Jesus in deep anguish that night, knowing that this cup was not in God’s will to take from Him. He died on the cross for us and cried “It is finished!”

But it didn’t end there. Three days later, Jesus conquered death!

Proving that joy comes; joy always follows.

Christy Nockels wrote this song called Amaryllis and sang it at this concert and a few of the lyrics were:

“Here I am waiting
in a winter of my own
if it’s gonna be this cold here
Why couldn’t it just snow?
At least I could say through the pain
That it’s somehow beautiful…
And everybody knows that the time to bloom is spring,
But You’re asking me to break through the hardness of this freeze
And You say that You’re with me
And I can make it through anything….
Like an Amaryllis, blooming at Christmas,
When everything is cold and dark
Your love breaks through and I shine
With the brilliance of summer,
Right in the middle of winter!
Somehow surprising the night
Like a Christmas Amaryllis…”

Christ already took the cup. And He is working not just in me, but in you. He promises us joy if we just relent and let the growth happen. We can grow even in the most unideal circumstance. Think how unideal Mary and Joseph must have thought their circumstance felt like when they were turned away at the inn, but think also how this babe in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, signaled to the world on that holy night that HE HAS COME.

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appear’d and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”

Followed by the words fall on your knees and we will. We are. Falling down and worshiping and praising Him for He knows when this season will end and how much growth is happening right now even when you can’t see it. He knows every pain and sorrow in your cup. He has not forsaken you, no, He has done the very opposite. He loves, protects, provides, rescues, forgives – past, present, and future!

I think moving towards 2022…I can’t place my joy on the earthly promise that it will get better. I can’t place my joy on anything this world may offer me because it’s temporary and so temperamental. If I look outside of my earthly body and see that I am not a body but a soul. We all are. We can move forward joyously knowing that we are not confined to the temperament of this world but that Christ has made a way for us to experience what we long for…and that is to be with Him.

A Box of “Junk”

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I noticed my big hat box up in my closet was starting to get full as I absentmindedly peaked inside. Surely I can get rid of some stuff in this box without having to upgrade.

I decided to open it up and rummage through it to see if something was worth keeping or throwing in the trash.

The funny thing is – this box…in a way has become somewhat of a diary.

A rusty old penny lays at the bottom; a piece of a cracker jacks box sits beside it, and a mask that lay on top is broken in pieces – if a stranger found this box they wouldn’t know what to do with it. If anything they would think someone was a pack rat, but the only person that knows what everything means is the person that put them there in the first place…which is me.

There are pieces of confetti thrown throughout because I grabbed handfuls and put them in my pockets at the end of a Big Time Rush concert back when I was a young teen. There is an old Chinese take out menu and sticky notes with ineligible handwriting scribbled on them. An assortment of movie tickets, birthday cards and notes for the sake of because. College acceptance letters and deans list notices of congratulations.

It’s not the things though – it’s what they represent. The people I was with. Or what I was doing at that moment in time.

And the funny thing is not all of the things in this box represent really “good” memories. Some of them make me a little teary eyed when I hold them in my hand. It’s a flash back. A moment that gets remembered. And then vanishes away with some relief.

Although some of the things in here are pretty cool and sentimental. It’s the things that are so ordinary and trivial in this box that are the things I hold onto the most.

Those Russian rubles? Yeah, they need to be exchanged for some actual spendable dollar bills.

That converse sneaker? My first key chain when I got my permit that proudly hung the keys to my parent’s minivan.

Notes from little campers who thought I was somewhat cool.

That name tag from my nursing assistant days.

That photo album? Yeah, I got a disposable camera for Christmas and proceeded to use up all the film in the course of one day. Lots of action packed moments in there featuring my sisters and our hamster Freddie.

This box makes me miss adolescence but it also reminds me of all the growth I have gone through and the love I received and keep receiving.

So when the need for a bigger box arises so be it. I’ll keep putting my odd little momentums inside as the years ago by…maybe I’ll upgrade to a trunk.

I do want to say though, next time you feel like you’re small and unwanted – don’t. Look inside your metaphorical box (or physical or heck start one…I don’t know) and remember all the people that care so much about you and all the blessings and love Christ has given you.

That’s all for now.

Love,

Trudi

An Act of the Will

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Forgive: To stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake.

Greater Good Magazine, a UC Berkley publication, says that while it is just as important to define what forgiveness is…it is also important to define what it is not. They state it doesn’t mean to “gloss over what happened or deny the seriousness of the offense.” It does not mean forgetting, condoning or excusing.

Though forgiveness can repair a damaged relationship, it does not obligate reconciliation.

A few nights ago a familiar feeling started sinking into my chest. It was one of pain, remorse, bitterness and sadness. It was a “suck your breath in sharply” sort of pain.

I thought I had moved forward.

I thought it was all in the past.

I thought this feeling was gone.

Have I actually practiced forgiveness? Or was it just empty words that I tried speaking into my heart to feel?

I came to the realization that maybe I haven’t fully forgiven certain things because I still feel like a chain is around my neck.

A chain of uncertainty, hopelessness and pain that isn’t from Jesus. Jesus says “come to me and I will convict and redeem” while Satan speaks words of hopelessness, lies and condemnation that we cannot overcome the bad things that happen to us whether they be self inflicted or inflicted by someone else.

We begin to dehumanize the people that made the offense and I will go one step further and say we can also dehumanize ourselves in the fact that we can’t forgive ourselves either. We deprive ourselves and the offender of positive human qualities and one of those qualities is compassion and lacking compassion towards the people who did us wrong and ourselves leads to bitterness, resentment and hate.

In an article on forgiveness, Corrie Ten Boom said:

“Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that. And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion–I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”

An act of the will. Does feeling have anything to do with forgiveness?

While forgiveness is powerful, it is an act of extending grace instead of demanding justice. The memories will resurface and you will remember the feelings of betrayal and hurt but those are in the past, you have chosen to forgive and you choose to love.

Choice over feeling.

We may believe that our feelings are complete and utter truth at times, but as I keep moving towards it more and more, I believe that choice is much more stronger, and the hardest part of love and forgiveness, because it makes us come to terms with our humanity, to go right or wrong, to choose to love or hate, to forgive or hold that sin against the offender.

And imagine if Christ forgave as a human does? Oh how terrible salvation would be if it was all based on a feeling, held against us in a form of a grudge and if it truly were based on our standard of justice, we would all have paid our penalty of death.

Ephesians 4:31-32 says:

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

I’m ridding myself of my self righteousness, my pride, my anger, the hate…it’s not worth it. The feelings eat me up inside and if I can’t extend the grace that Christ forgave me with, do I even deserve forgiveness myself? Further, if I can’t extend myself grace, is my preconceived notion of justice and grace make me mightier than Christ? C.S. Lewis once said:

“I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.”

Forgiveness is an act of the will, regardless of how you feel. It doesn’t mean though that you need to justify the wrong done, it means you defined the pain or wrong done but didn’t let it define who you are becoming – it sets you on a path of healing.

But even though we choose to forgive – it doesn’t mean that hurt won’t come back up again.

Corrie Ten Boom went to see her pastor after she was struggling with forgiving the people she loved that had hurt her. It was unexpected to have a harder time forgiving those she loved than the Nazis that caused her so much grief and loss. Her pastor said:

“Up in that church tower,” he said, nodding out the window, “is a bell which is rung by pulling on a rope. But you know what? After the sexton lets go of the rope, the bell keeps on swinging. First ding then dong. Slower and slower until there’s a final dong and it stops. I believe the same thing is true of forgiveness. When we forgive someone, we take our hand off the rope. But if we’ve been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn’t be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for a while. They’re just the ding-dongs of the old bell slowing down.”

And it is slowing down. In you and me. When we choose to let go of that rope. Sometimes it reverberates in my heart and the sadness and hurt come back in.

But it doesn’t stay forever.

“I forgive you.” I can look in the mirror and say. I say a prayer in the night when the fear, anger and betrayal rise up and the helpless feeling comes over me again. “Redeem me Jesus. Save me from this. Forgive me.”

and the last one…the hardest one maybe…is forgiving the source of that pain.

Ding.

Dong.

It will go away soon and maybe it will go away for a time and then come back again.

But I give it to Christ because the weight is too big for me carry.

Forgiveness is both vulnerability and strength at its finest and it’s beautiful when you finally come to terms with it.

Forgiveness is freedom from the past, from the present and future mistakes. It’s continually active in our lives not a passive, one time thing.

Many nights I long for the understanding as to why such bad things happen in our lives or why people hurt people or why those we can forgive refuse to extend that same grace – but then I’m reminded of a story in Corrie Ten Boom’s The Hiding Place when she was asked to carry her father’s suitcase after asking a question he didn’t want to answer quite yet.

“Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning. “It’s too heavy,” I said. “Yes,” he said, “and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”

Much like Christ, our Father only gives us what He knows we can bear, and when we can’t, He will carry it for us. While I long for the knowledge of what I don’t understand, I can fully trust Christ to carry it for me because I am my Father’s child and He loves is without bounds (isn’t that so comforting?).

I can’t change the past. But I can choose today. Right now. To choose forgiveness. To choose to love despite. To seek refuge in the forgiveness, grace and love Christ offers me so freely.

The bell may toll every once again, but I willfully let go of that rope; time heals and the sounds begin to diminish, the tempo gets slower and slower until the last ring finally fades and maybe quite abruptly – stops.

Self Love.

You’re not pretty, you’re ugly.

You have a double chin and a big nose.

You are not lovable.

You’re not funny.

You’re not smart.

You need to lose weight.

When I look in the mirror…

I think all of these things and more.

Even though I know that we are all created in God’s image. Even though I know that Jesus loves me. Even though I know that my perfectionism is unattainable.

I don’t love myself. I don’t think that I am good at anything. I have no confidence. My insecurities, self doubt, anxieties and sinful nature trail into my relationships with my family, friends and Jesus. It hurts me and it hurts others in the process.

There is a quote that says that you should be selfless but not think of your self less. I remember reading that quote one day and thinking how I seemed to mistake loving myself, and doing what is best for me, as a form of pride and selfishness. I remember reading this quote and thinking “Wow, I really am not selfless at all…or at least my form of selflessness is not healthy.”

It’s not.

If I have learned anything in the last six months, is that I can’t love others properly if I cannot love myself.

I use to think all those female celebrities were so generic. They always are telling you to love yourself and be authentically you, but I think there is something missing in that equation.

Jesus. Such a Sunday school answer. I know. If I were my authentic self, sin would take over. My default setting is to sin. By the world’s standards I am a “good” person…but good only can go so far.

If anyone knows me, they know that I will never boast about myself. If I do, it’s in a complete joking way. In fact, if you give me a compliment, I won’t believe you. I used to think “Trudi, why don’t you believe a compliment?” but the truth was that all I could think was “if they only could see inside me…they would think differently”.

I could cry thinking of how I would and still tear myself down until there are figurative shreds of myself on the floor, giving people the capacity to stomp on me because I have no confidence.

I came to the realization that my searching for love and acceptance of myself has been me trying to love out my flaws (or look for other people to do so); an inward battle between me, myself and I, leaving me unsatisfied.

I was talking to my Mom one night about how I hated myself.

She referenced some video she saw on Facebook, and asked me to look at a picture of myself as a baby.

Childhood Photo.jpg

She asked me to say all the things I was saying to myself in the mirror right now while looking at this picture.

“Trudi, you’re not pretty or cute. You’re not smart. You need to lose weight. You are not lovable…”

I did this one night. I found this picture my Mom posted on Facebook and started saying all the insecurities and self-hate I held for myself while looking at this picture.

The results: tears.

Because when I look at this picture, I see a sweet, innocent, little girl. A girl who would sing at the top of her lungs in the car. Who would go running outside to search for ladybugs and pick really pretty weeds. She would play in the sandbox for hours. She would ride her little tricycle on the pavement on a pretend road made out of chalk.

Little Trudi. You are so loved. You are so smart. If you only knew the hardships to come but also all that you would accomplish. It breaks my heart to know that the little heart in this photo has ever known suffering.

I sound like my Mom right now…

You know in the Bible it says multiple times to “love your neighbor as yourself”. But if you do not know how to love yourself, how can you love your neighbor?

So, that is what I’m learning. I’m not talking about self-love. I’m talking about TRUE self love. The loves that does not see my sins bigger than my virtues, but the redeemed kind. The kind of love that holds freedom; that doesn’t keep gazing inward, but outward toward Jesus Christ.

I encourage you to read this article here in order to understand what I am talking about (otherwise I’m just going to plagiarize the shhh out of it).

The question: Do I love myself enough? I am a broken human being. But if I loved myself enough, I would be able to accept Christ’s love for me. Oh how freeing it would be. Dear little Trudi (even though you are way older now, that little person in the picture above will always exist inside) come as you are.

As the article says, stop scraping together your self worth and piecing together your sinful self. Embrace Christ’s love for you and then you will truly hold self love.

Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

Finding Joy in My Path

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

Today I had my last class ever at the University of Iowa. Next week, I will face finals and then I will graduate with my Bachelors in Political Science.

I’m looking at my cap and gown hanging on the wall as I write this. I’m thinking about seventeen when I graduated high school, and how fast those years went by…from community college, to becoming a certified nursing assistant, changing my major a million times, transferring to the University of Iowa, working on several campaigns, being an intern, traveling the country, and so much more.

It was a roller coaster, but I made it, and the changes to come are sweeping me away.

Away from Iowa. Away from the only place I have called home.

It’s strange how nothing changes and then everything changes all at once. Your heart tugs you different places and makes all these plans, but then God directs your steps, despite if it doesn’t make sense or it’s not what you want.

He is leading me down this path that is scary and excited at the same time and all I can do is trust Him and have patience.

I pray that I find joy in my path though.

Every decision I have made in life has been calculated, weighted, stressed over, reevaluated, back and forth, yes and no.
Don’t do this because it doesn’t make sense. Do this because it looks good. Make these decisions based on what people will think of you. Don’t do what you actually want to do because people will judge you.

Maybe it’s because I am always thinking about what others will think of me and I let let my fears and anxieties rule me, that I forget to trust Jesus…and to find joy in my path.

My path of life. My career path. My relationships.

I worry, over excessively. I make myself miserable to the point I cannot stand myself.

I woke up and I wasn’t seventeen anymore, starting college. I let these years past by stressing about money, trying to make all the right choices, working overtime while going to school full time.

I woke up at 22 realizing that I let it slip through my fingers. The joy I could have had in learning and thriving, but I didn’t. I let my joy slip through my fingers far too often. I stumped my growth to the point that when my senior year came around, I could not care less. I was tired and worn thin.

But now I’m graduating.

I don’t have all the answers in life, nor what the Lord has in store for me as I go on this new path. I just know that if I do not find joy along the way, no matter what path I’m on, I will be disheartened, miserable, and worn by the end.

So I’m trusting God as I walk this new path, that no matter what comes my way, I will face it with a spirit of grace, joy and, most importantly, peace.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

The Two Decade Roommate.

Now a month ago, I got rid of my acrylic paints and brushes that I had bought the same day I had taken out my first car loan. It was on a whim and I was 17 years old. I had high hopes of becoming an artist but lacked the talent, so alas! After almost 4 years of being cooped up in a box with my “stamp” collection (another failed attempt of me being “crafty”), I decided to say goodbye and blessed my Mom with a present of old textbooks, paints and brushes.

I’ve been feeling slightly sentimental of late, which is probably what has been stopping me from getting rid of more stuff that I have stowed away in boxes. All my old class notes, writings of mine (and Hope’s that I found on the wayside, meant for the trash can), and other sentimentalities, like a piece of a cracker jacks box and a rusty old penny, I keep hidden away. Sometimes I hate my memories and try desperately to forget something or some person existed, but I hold on for dear life to the insignificant and happy.

But then comes goodbye.

My roommate of 20 years is moving out. I caught myself looking forlornly across the room at her socks scattered on the floor and her messed up bed and chided myself.

She’s only moving how many minutes away.

I’m both happy and sad. Sad for me, happy for her. Happy for more space but scared to be alone. She’s my big sister, my best friend despite all that we have been through. I love her to pieces, and now goodbye is coming.

At times it felt like we would be stuck together forever. Now, no more fighting over who has to clean the bathroom. No more hounding you to clean up your side of the room and for heaven’s sake, throw your dirty socks in the laundry. No more spitefully dusting my half of the dresser and leaving your side untouched. No more inconsiderate moaning as I come in late from work or from a long night of studying. No more late night talks about life before we fall asleep. I remember when we were little and all the ridiculous bedtimes stories you would tell me. We would laugh and laugh….but somewhere down the road we stopped being so silly. Even though we still have our good times. Somewhere between graduation and college, we found different interests, jobs and friends. We wanted to stop living in each others shadows, I guess. Which is understandable, but still hard nonetheless. I remember how many times I thought I had been replaced as we grew up. It seemed at times that you were always too far gone for me to reach, that you never wanted to hang out with me because I was just your little sister. You would then go find other “sisters” who were the same age as me, yet somehow more mature in your eyes. I have to admit, at times I would be jealous…and cared way too much about what you were doing. But then one point came when I stopped living in comparison and stopped being jealous. I decided to be me, and let you be you.

But that just grew a wider gap between us.

But we always shared a room.

I could always count on you being there at the end of the day. We didn’t even have to talk or say one word to each other. There was just comfort in knowing that we couldn’t be entirely apart because our beds were only a few feet from each other.

But now there is nothing to keep us from growing apart. Now there will be more space for us both to stretch…but somehow I can’t quite picture room without you in it. How will it feel to come home and you not being there? I probably won’t notice at first. After all, we have gone a couple weeks apart. But after a month, and then the next…it will probably dawn on me that you really aren’t going to be my forever roommate, but that we will really did have a time limit and now I’m all alone with more space to put my things, but my heart will be overcrowded with lonesomeness.

Ah, look at me getting all sappy. It’s not like your moving a million miles away. Geez. Pull yourself together Trudi.

I’ll miss you Hope. I hope we grow closer and our sisterly love will only grow stronger. I just want you to know, contrary to your opinion, that I am impressed by you. I am so blessed to have you as my older sister. You may not like the first born status, but you’ve made my life easier by being so. You’ve showed me the ropes of college. You went through all the firsts and paved a path that I sometimes chose to follow. Heehee. Even a few week you helped me find dress pants for my internship (what can I say, the only pants I have are in scrub form). I love it that you’re my older sister and my friend. You don’t know how highly I think of you, and often you think of me as judging you, but that’s only because I have these unrealistic high expectations of you that I shouldn’t have I guess. But I’m always going to expect the best of you, because you are the best.

Hope…just know that I’m always here. I’m always praying for you. I’m always loving you. I’m always wishing the best for you. I’m always happy for you in all your accomplishments.

So now your side of the closet is getting empty. Your books are packed away. I’ll act all tough, but you may get a wailing phone call a couple nights later.

Remember your first roommate and how awesome she was. Because she sure is going to miss you.

Love you Hopie.

Your little sister (and best friend forever…literally, forever. FOR.EV.ER.)

A Single White Girl

I hate reading blogs about how to be single. I don’t like it when girls will post “Jesus is My Valentine” on Valentines Day or clog Pinterest with “How To Be Single 101”, “10 Fun Thing To Do While Your Single”, “Solo Date Ideas” and “Being Single Isn’t a Status, It Means Your Strong & Independent”.

It’s like, thanks for giving me a list. I’m glad to know there are 10 whole things a single person can do for fun. It just seems that single people, woman to be more specific, find a way to either embrace singleness with a sort of defiance like “SCREW MEN!” type of attitudes and then others are like kidding themselves by saying “Oh, prince charming will come for me eventually”.

He’s not coming on a white steed because 1) Princes don’t exist (they do, but come on, they usually come in the form of party boy Prince Harry) and 2) Your not a princess. Stop kidding yourself.

Also being single isn’t some kind of “choice”, it’s just a circumstance we women find ourselves in that we either can accept with grace and poise or we can eye every eligible man we encounter with some kind of barbaric insanity because we have been labeled “single and alone”.

I’m not saying I have never said those two lines above…I have. A lot actually because there is some kind of humorous sarcasm behind it that means “I’m saying this because it could or could not be true…HAHA. Just kidding…or am I?”

Let’s have a moment of silence and a few tears because this dude doesn’t exist in real life.

You know what annoys me? Is when all of your friends are single, but then that one friend gets a boyfriend and you never see them again, and all of their posts on social media are based on the sole fact that so-so is in a relationship and look at those ADORABLE pictures and quoting song lyrics that just fit their relationship PERFECTLY.

I guess this post isn’t helping to prove my point, because I am the average single white girl who wants a boyfriend but doesn’t have one.

I’m embracing my singleness, but I’m not going to say I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not going to say that if I wait long enough then he will just magically appear. Because like everything, you must give effort and to be honest, I’m not giving any effort right now. Why? Because there is sort of big thing called “time”. I’m a list person, and I’m not saying I can put “oh at so and so time I will get a boyfriend” because I know it doesn’t work like that.

I find saying “get a boyfriend” sounds shallow, it’s like “yep, going pick me one of those up at the store”. You know what? I’m just going to settle for a Tom-like attitude from Parks and Rec.

I’m single, but I am not alone.

YOU ARE AWESOME. Single, taken, waiting, being overly optimistic while waiting, or way to pessimistic. This Valentines Day eat those chocolates from yo Mom because she loves you and everyone else does and someday someone special will love you more then all those people combined.

Jesus isn’t your valentine, but He loves you way more then your Mom or future spouse. Don’t ever forget that.

Also, since it’s just another Valentines Day aka Singles Awareness Day.

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Okay is Okay

I’ve been so busy, that I feel as if my life has become a metronome. Bouncing back and forth in a steady, fast pace. I’m trying to match the rhythm, but I’m not very good at it. It’s boring to be honest and life has been going by too fast. I’m so busy focusing on the rhythm of the metronome that I don’t have time to enjoy the music.

I’m so busy going back and forth I can’t move forward. Time just passes so quick that it’s impossible to step outside the rhythm.

But there are days that step outside the metronome. The high notes interacting with the low ones. The bright sunny days that make you feel as if the world is okay. The days when you accomplish more then you expected. That A on a test that proves to you that you’re smarter then you think. Those moments of unexplainable joy that shout out into the void of monthly payments, minimum wage jobs and piles upon piles of homework, saying “life is more then a constant struggle.” because honestly, it feels that it is sometimes…the constant struggle to be better, think harder, and to be more then you can possibly be.

As sad as I am sometimes, life really isn’t so bad. I didn’t say it was good but its okay. Maybe okay is enough, maybe to be just okay is our whim of hope, maybe it’s our fate. Okay may be all that we are and ever will be. I think it’s alright is we just settle for okay. I know, why not try to settle for wonderful or even plain old good. But let’s be honest, this is a sad world, full of sad people. Being okay is fine. We don’t need to be anything other then that. I think we get so caught up in the act of finding complete and flawless happiness that we don’t realize the tiny bits of it that happen each day. We cry, we laugh, we go through the motions. One day is going to really tick you off and the next day is going to be sunshine and rainbows…and you know what? That’s okay. It’s like I said before, life isn’t perfect but it wasn’t meant to be. God created Adam and Eve and knew they would sin. He knew that He would have to send His ONLY SON to die for us.

Though life at the moment may be a metronome, it’s a grand sweet song. It may not be a number one hit on the Billboard Top 100 but that’s okay. My song is the sighs of a classroom; the clicking of the register at work; the sound of the coffee pot dripping in the morning; my car that makes strange noises, and the silence in the house as I go to sleep. It’s not amazing, nor wonderful…and I know it could be better, but right now it is what it is, and I’m okay with that.