Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

A New Year

Happy New Year!

I was sitting at my desk on New Year’s Eve thinking about what to write…but all that came out was an emotional spilling that just made me feel sorry and discontent.

Now that we have crossed the threshold into 2016 and my mind isn’t bubbling with nostalgia, I’m going to just sit here for a little bit and try to figure out what I can say that hasn’t already been said on this dear little corner of mine.

To be honest, because I usually am…2016 looks pretty much the same as 2015. There are still things to accomplish and fears to face, but maybe I can have a stronger, more sure step this year then in 2015.

By all means, I’m 20 years old now. Maybe I will give you some wise insight from this unwise mind of mine and tell you what I have learned over the past year.

The first thing is that I have grown. Not in height sadly, but in maturity…although even that doesn’t look like much sometimes. I’ve learned to let go of things and people that at the time I thought I could never let go of. I’ve learned to say no but also yes…I can’t tell you which is the scariest to say. I’ve also learned to ask for help when needed…and that is probably the hardest thing for me to do. I’ve made friends that will last a lifetime, met new people; gone new places & revisited the familiar.

And even with all the bad…I can say that it was a good year and I really do have a wonderful life.

But you see, my year of change really didn’t happen. I found that this “threshold” I talked about in my last New Year post wasn’t really a threshold, but a barrier. A barrier that still needs to be overcome, that sometimes I can break through, but inevitably comes back up again.

That barrier is me and circumstance. It’s a constant battle. I talk all big about opportunity and change, but when the moment arrives for this said change and opportunity to happen, I get scared. My social anxiety gets the better of me. I make up every excuse in the book. I run and hide because that is my instinct. And I realize this. But it doesn’t make it easier to breakdown my barrier. Not even the changing of the year will make a difference because it’s what inside me…not in the year.

Tomorrow I will still be the same. The difference is what 365 days will bring until we are back here again, reminiscing about the bulk of it all, compacted into 2016.

But I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t want to measure by the length of days, but by how deep the day is. I want my accomplishments and activities to have more meaning then how many. If you understand what I am saying. The thing is, as much as I have grown in 2015, one never stops growing. My maturity level probably went up a few centimeters, but it still has a long ways to go. These barriers, probably will be my struggle for the rest of my life. Whether that be my anxiety or stress…or whatever emotional or physical state I go up against. But I can rest easy for I have the ultimate force on my side that will never leave me. My faith. My Jesus. My Savior. It all comes down to Him. No matter what this life has in store, when the act of trying doesn’t seem good enough; when my heart feels worn and heavy, can I not give it all to Him? My prayers, my praise, everything that I do. I know it’s easier to say, that when it comes down to it, how many moments of the day do I forget Him in the middle of call lights, bubble sheets, early mornings and frost bitten cheeks? My grumbling heart never ceases to be discontent, but His love is steadfast…and how underserving I am of it!

This morning I heard something on the radio that caused me to think, and pardon my paraphrasing (it might not be correct). The radio announcer said something along the lines that life is full of good opportunities but that doesn’t mean those opportunities are guaranteed good outcomes. So maybe that is my lesson to go forth into this new year that is already four days old. Life isn’t fair, it holds lots of opportunities to go out and chase, but there is no guarantee that the outcomes will go in my favor. The only guarantee in this life is Jesus and what’s in store of us in Heaven.

~ Trudi

Crumbs.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a crumb still sticking to the cake pan, or the leftover soup that couldn’t quite make it into the ladle. I’m always on my own. I’m in the “average and that is all I can be” crowd of people…which is desperately lonely sometimes. I’m nothing special other then the fact that there is only one of me in this big world and yet that means…everyone is special then…so I guess I’m still average.

I realize that maybe everyone feels like they are left out or whatever. But why is that when we are left out we feel sad…but uncomfortable when pulled in?

Why is it that everyone wants to live the word of greatness but only a selected few actually get to do this?

Is it born into circumstances or is it some sort of messed up fate?

Because when I think about my life so far…it’s nothing great. It’s just average. Even my life goals fall into the average because I’m lazy.

I’m just trying to figure this whole thing out…why is it that sometimes life just works out for certain people in the best possible way and then there is us?

We have to work through school and pay off our college debt as we work and work and work. We don’t ever get to go anywhere. We are cemented to the ground…

But it’s not like the cement was always there…somehow it poured on our feet, which were once standing on green grass soaked in possibilities.

I begin to wonder if maybe the reason we are the crumbs still sticking to the cake pane isn’t because our fate made it impossible for us to form onto the lovely cake with all the special people….but because we simply can’t let go and fall off when the cake forms.

If you understand what I’m saying…

Maybe the reason we are held back is because we are ones holding ourselves back.

You want something? Go out and get it. I’m not saying that it’s a meant to be. Only God knows that. If you are meant to live out greatness (which I’m sure all of us are), then you will. I don’t think any life has no purpose. But sometimes greatness can only be seen by small numbers, and oh my, when will we realize that affirmation from others is pointless?

And when will we realize that greatness is not the point?

The point is Love. Loving Jesus and others and doing works that will give God the glory, not ourselves.

I feel like I harp on this subject way too often, and maybe that is because I haven’t been able to get it into my thick skull yet that it doesn’t matter if I aspire to be all that I can be, because what I need to become is a servant.

A servant you say? My goodness, you must think I’m crazy.

You thought we were reaching for greatness?

No, we aren’t reaching for greatness. We are reaching for humbleness, servitude, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

And yes, I know that this post has become a jumble of words and incomplete thoughts…

But maybe I can save it somehow, huh? Maybe I can get a well rounded thought out of this head of mine.

If we are all so lonely, aren’t we together in our loneliness? If you get what I’m saying. If we all feel the same, then we really aren’t so alone in our feelings.

I’m pretty sure all of us feel like crumbs once in a while…

We are always last. We are always waiting to be pulled in.

But we shouldn’t have to wait to be pulled in, because we are already pulled in close to a loving Savior, who knows all our dreams and hopes for the future. Who forgives us and consistently humbles us when we let the so called worldly greatness and popularity get to our heads, where we take all the glory and keep it to ourselves.

You can look down the road of has beens. The ones with all the awards. The ones with all the magazine covers. The ones that large and loud crowds boast of their greatness.

And then there is you. The precious gem that wakes up day to day and goes to school full time and works, who is known by name by a very small island of people.

Maybe you won’t make a gigantic leap in the world of sparkling photographers who wanted to know what you ate for lunch…

It’s not about being special. It’s not about being born into a certain circumstance where you are automatically “great” or whatever.

It’s about the ones that don’t have much and yet still don’t think of themselves. It’s about the ones that can wake up day to day and crack the cement around their feet and go out and chase the “average” and sometimes reach above it.

We aren’t reaching for greatness.

We are reaching for Jesus and with that we achieve the greatest of all greatness.

~ Tru

Okay is Okay

I’ve been so busy, that I feel as if my life has become a metronome. Bouncing back and forth in a steady, fast pace. I’m trying to match the rhythm, but I’m not very good at it. It’s boring to be honest and life has been going by too fast. I’m so busy focusing on the rhythm of the metronome that I don’t have time to enjoy the music.

I’m so busy going back and forth I can’t move forward. Time just passes so quick that it’s impossible to step outside the rhythm.

But there are days that step outside the metronome. The high notes interacting with the low ones. The bright sunny days that make you feel as if the world is okay. The days when you accomplish more then you expected. That A on a test that proves to you that you’re smarter then you think. Those moments of unexplainable joy that shout out into the void of monthly payments, minimum wage jobs and piles upon piles of homework, saying “life is more then a constant struggle.” because honestly, it feels that it is sometimes…the constant struggle to be better, think harder, and to be more then you can possibly be.

As sad as I am sometimes, life really isn’t so bad. I didn’t say it was good but its okay. Maybe okay is enough, maybe to be just okay is our whim of hope, maybe it’s our fate. Okay may be all that we are and ever will be. I think it’s alright is we just settle for okay. I know, why not try to settle for wonderful or even plain old good. But let’s be honest, this is a sad world, full of sad people. Being okay is fine. We don’t need to be anything other then that. I think we get so caught up in the act of finding complete and flawless happiness that we don’t realize the tiny bits of it that happen each day. We cry, we laugh, we go through the motions. One day is going to really tick you off and the next day is going to be sunshine and rainbows…and you know what? That’s okay. It’s like I said before, life isn’t perfect but it wasn’t meant to be. God created Adam and Eve and knew they would sin. He knew that He would have to send His ONLY SON to die for us.

Though life at the moment may be a metronome, it’s a grand sweet song. It may not be a number one hit on the Billboard Top 100 but that’s okay. My song is the sighs of a classroom; the clicking of the register at work; the sound of the coffee pot dripping in the morning; my car that makes strange noises, and the silence in the house as I go to sleep. It’s not amazing, nor wonderful…and I know it could be better, but right now it is what it is, and I’m okay with that.

Acts of Getting By: Scene 1

I woke up at 7:00 AM after my alarm clock(s) went of at 5:45, 6:00, and 6:30. Then my sister woke me up because her alarm clock went off at 7:00. Isn’t that sad? Four alarm clocks and I still need someone to wake me up. My first reaction when she said I have a class at 8:00 AM was “I DO NOT!” And then I was forced to get ready in thirty minutes because it takes thirty minutes (calculated precisely) to get to my 8:00 AM class…which is almost impossible when you’re half awake and your a girl. The first step is trying to figure out what to wear. You don’t want to look trashy, but it’s 8:00 in the morning and you just don’t really care. Yoga pants? Sure, why not. But then you have to decide on what shirt to wear…another long process of thinking and rummaging through your drawers…and then you get to the bathroom *dun dun dun* the battle between should you wear makeup or just go looking like you got hit by a bus sets in. Of course, being a girl, you always wonder the what if and you decide to try to look decent because you never know what the day may bring.

Take in mind, I’m stumbling around the house like a drunk person.

Now, it’s winter time, which means you have to start your car ahead of time so it doesn’t stall on you while your trying to back it out of the driveway (this is personal experience talking here). There is also snow, so you need to clear your windows off (which by the way, I have bird poop all over my car, so I was trying to scrap that off by dipping my wiper stick in the snow).

In the end, I got to class one minute late and still got there on time because the teacher hadn’t come yet and we were all standing awkwardly in the hall for five minutes because we were locked out of the classroom.

By the way, something bit me in my sleep. I think I have a spider in my bed.

Anyways, I didn’t have time to make coffee in the morning, so after class I went to Starbucks and tried not hit anyone while driving downtown (this is actually a really hard thing not to do…not saying a want to hit them, it’s just hard trying to avoid not hitting them…you get what I’m saying).

Speaking of which, a week ago I went into the ditch on my way home from school, and then I rear-ended someone while backing out of a parking lot (it may or may not have been my fault…we will never know). To say the least, I’m slowly becoming a not so reckless driver…trying not to be anyways. I thought I backed over someone in my school parking lot a couple nights ago but it turned out it was just the snow crunching underneath my tires. Paranoid? I think yes.

So, I went to Starbucks, then I went back to school. I tried eating my chocolate croissant while driving…but that was a mess. I had crumbs in my scarf and I decided that scarves are like beards for girls.

That was my morning in a nutshell. Sorry that this ended up being the most boring thing you’ve ever read, but hey, it’s my life and I’m just getting by.

This is the beginning of Acts of Getting By, there will be more scenes to come. But in other news, a long awaited for My Obsessions post is in the works 😉

~ Trudi