Today is one of those days when I have great revelations about myself and then I end up in dire need of chocolate and sleep.

I realized over the years, especially today, that I am constantly trying to have more or be more.  Why? Why can’t I be perfectly satisfied?

Well, today I was sitting in my car after a series of unfortunate events, and I realized that the picture that I have of myself in my head doesn’t match up to who I am.  In the fact that I set unrealistic goals for myself and try to be someone I’m not.

Who am I? What makes Trudi, Trudi?

I’m not a genius, and I’m not eloquent.  I stutter and get nervous when I’m called on in class. I don’t get perfect grades. I prefer to sit relaxing by the TV over a late night out with friends. I’m a hermit. I’m anti-social.  I talk when I want to talk, and when I do I say something blunt, and sometimes rude.  I’m not always the nicest person in the world, but I try to be. Sometimes.  I’m weird.  I stay up way too late and get up too early.  I’m awkwardly shy and out of place most of the time; completely self-centered in thinking that everyone is starring and judging me. I’m Christian…but I fail at being one sometimes.

I’m being completely honest with you.  I’m not going to sugar coat who I am.  I’m a sorry sort of person that is a sinner saved by Mercy and Grace.

But I’m not satisfied.  I keep looking for complete satisfaction, but I never can find it.

The truth is nothing is going to make me feel satisfied.  I’m a cup always half-empty.  But maybe that is how it should be.  If I’m satisfied in this world then maybe something is wrong.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that we were made for another world.” – C.S. Lewis

I’m never going to be satisfied.  That is the fact.  Money, clothes, jobs, people, and everything else in between won’t quench my thirst.   I think I blinded myself by thinking that I need be fully satisfied in this life.  Ah, but I do need to be content.  I need to be fully content in where I am and hopeful towards the future.  But, most importantly, I need to trust God.  I let my worries and fears cloud my judgement.  I think I can do everything on my own and then suddenly I simply can’t.  I’m only human.  If I give my future over to Jesus, who already has it read and ready for me.  What fear do I have? None.  I tend to forget that.

Lord, still my soul.  The fears, the worries, and the discontentment.  Help me to be still and know that YOU are here.  Help me to be satisfied in only You, and stop searching for complete satisfaction and gratification in people, position, or things because I will end up with nothing but emptiness.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

I don’t know where I want to be, or where I’m going exactly.  I do know that I’ll end up somewhere…if that is any consolation for myself.  But I’m not scared or worried.  Yes, at times I am, but not tonight.  I’m at peace.  I don’t need to know my future.  There could be some huge plot twist or maybe the climax is at the end.  Haha.  I don’t know.  But I don’t need to.  That’s the beauty of not worrying and giving everything over to Jesus.  He knows, and He’s got me covered.

Goodnight everyone!
~ Trudi