To Make Him Known

Am I a failure?

I thought to myself as the reality of my decision came settling in. Did I not try hard enough? Did I not stand a chance?

You always wonder about the what-ifs in life. But I never thought that I would be so sorrowful when I made the decision to move back home.

Home. The fields of opportunities and dreams. I went to the land of lovers to the wild and wonderful only to come back again.

And the farther I kept getting away from DC…my dreams slowly started to shatter rather dramatically to the ground.

Like broken glass, I wondered if the shards would cut me later as hypothetically grasp an old memory or an old goal that never quite got there to the finish line. It cuts sometimes but it also makes me wonder…

If my new perspective on life will make me more willing to try again as I make my way back to the place that made me who I am.

I don’t know.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of sorrow lately. As relationships change people hurt your feelings and they don’t understand where you are coming from or what you are trying to say.

It just makes you cling to Jesus more and more.

Because the people that might hurt your feelings sometimes, or make you feel mad or sad or whatever it may be, bring a lot of joy in your life. And someone has to absorb the hurt and sometimes you don’t even know that you are the one inflicting the pain.

I think about who I want to be when I get older – isn’t that funny? 6 years ago I was saying the same thing and yet I’m older now and still wondering what I want to be or try to be when I’m another 6 years older.

When I’m older, or starting now, I want to stop believing these lies I have to be more than who I am or this progressive, worldly person who is defined by the earthly praise she will get.

I know I have to be more like Jesus but these superficial accomplishments hurt. I earned my master’s, but what did it do for me? I moved away, but what have I become? I’m home…but I’m not the same person? Who am I? What was I made for? The song that everyone resonated to as Barbie cried her first tear.

These things I hope to be and may never measure up to hurt more than ever right now. But what is the point if I’m not making Christ known?

Is my story more than just a girl who almost got there and then came back again?

I don’t know. But something about those rolling hills, those wide open spaces, and the people I’ve missed, the family I see weekly instead of once every few months, make me wonder…what were we made for? All these things that we keep trying to accomplish are nothing. Ecclesiastes tells us that everything is meaningless without God. Everything is just chasing after the wind…and maybe for a long time, I have been chasing the wind.

And maybe the wind is settling, maybe instead of doing the brave thing of leaving, the brave thing is staying and planting and growing. Maybe the brave thing looks different for everyone, and the most wonderful thing is there is no wrong answer when you look to Jesus when you grasp His truth and hold onto Him through all of it.

When I look back on all of my accomplishments, they all seem to be quite small in comparison to the friendships and people I have met along the way. And maybe that’s the point…

The weight of glory is not on who we become but on who we encounter…the weight we carry is nothing to do with me but with who I can serve. And if the weight of this glory is to dig deeper into the home in which I have longed for and the home in which I have yet to find myself, if all my wonderful encounters if all my beautiful friendships could be present in a room together, I would be so happy. But Heaven awaits for that.

“It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbor. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor’s glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. …It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations — these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit. … Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.” – C.S. Lewis

I guess this is a reminder for myself, to remember that we are built to be disciples. We are not meant to live our lives on our own but for a higher calling. As Christians in this consumerist society, we must remember what it means to love another, what it means to be His hands and feet…and I am ready. Lord. Use me. Wherever it may be. With open hands and a heart willing – lead me, take my life, and let it be.

Take This Cup.

Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” I was lying flat on my back staring up at the ceiling and “take this cup” just kept repeating.

I was listening to a song today by Chris Renzema and the lyrics went like this:

Cause He’ll finish what He starts
He started this I know
But if you saw the plans
Maybe you wouldn’t go…

I was thinking about how Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives for the Father to take this cup from Him. The next verse goes further “and being in agony he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”

Jesus being Christ knew all that was to happen to Him in the coming days. According to a study on this particular section, “some consider Luke’s description as mere simile—Jesus’ sweat fell to the ground in large, heavy drops, the way that blood drips from an open wound. However, there exists a medical condition that produces the symptoms described and explains Luke’s mention of blood. Hematidrosis is a rare, but very real, medical condition that causes one’s sweat to contain blood. The sweat glands are surrounded by tiny blood vessels that can constrict and then dilate to the point of rupture, causing blood to effuse into the sweat glands. The cause of hematidrosis is extreme anguish” (GotQuestions.org).

Crucifixion is the most painful death and yet Jesus willingly took on the sins of the world and cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” as the final sacrifice for us.

Maybe if I saw the plans God had in store for me, maybe I wouldn’t go. Maybe I could armor myself better or choose a different route. I’m not Jesus.

But oh to strive to be like Him…

I think one thing that really stands out to me is that Jesus didn’t stifle His anguish for what was to come or what He was experiencing. He trusted God and knew what needed to be done, but He still prayed. He still felt that grief.

It’s okay to grieve while experiencing physical or emotional pain but it’s also possible to be joyous in those times.

2021 has been in a year of mental, emotional, and physical turmoil. I pray and ask God daily – please take this cup. Please take this cup so I can experience joy. After all that I have been through this year in my personal health, I found myself feeling that I shouldn’t have joy or feel content until the problems are fixed because then I can live my best life. It was almost as if, and something I’m still struggling with, that I was telling God that I could not and will not possibly grow through the season I am in. I cannot grow in the metaphorical winter season that I feel stuck inside until better conditions come around and I can be joyous.

Christ took the cup thousands of years ago one night in Bethlehem.

I went to a Christy Nockels concert at a local church a few weeks ago and she told the story about the Shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night. You see, they were not ordinary shepherds, they were fulfilling temple duties and these flocks that were being watched were for sacrificing. The newborn lambs would be swaddled in special temple cloth to keep from blemish. So, when the Angel of the Lord appeared before them and said “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger” (Luke 2:10-12).

The final sacrifice.

And so we cut back to Jesus in deep anguish that night, knowing that this cup was not in God’s will to take from Him. He died on the cross for us and cried “It is finished!”

But it didn’t end there. Three days later, Jesus conquered death!

Proving that joy comes; joy always follows.

Christy Nockels wrote this song called Amaryllis and sang it at this concert and a few of the lyrics were:

“Here I am waiting
in a winter of my own
if it’s gonna be this cold here
Why couldn’t it just snow?
At least I could say through the pain
That it’s somehow beautiful…
And everybody knows that the time to bloom is spring,
But You’re asking me to break through the hardness of this freeze
And You say that You’re with me
And I can make it through anything….
Like an Amaryllis, blooming at Christmas,
When everything is cold and dark
Your love breaks through and I shine
With the brilliance of summer,
Right in the middle of winter!
Somehow surprising the night
Like a Christmas Amaryllis…”

Christ already took the cup. And He is working not just in me, but in you. He promises us joy if we just relent and let the growth happen. We can grow even in the most unideal circumstance. Think how unideal Mary and Joseph must have thought their circumstance felt like when they were turned away at the inn, but think also how this babe in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, signaled to the world on that holy night that HE HAS COME.

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appear’d and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”

Followed by the words fall on your knees and we will. We are. Falling down and worshiping and praising Him for He knows when this season will end and how much growth is happening right now even when you can’t see it. He knows every pain and sorrow in your cup. He has not forsaken you, no, He has done the very opposite. He loves, protects, provides, rescues, forgives – past, present, and future!

I think moving towards 2022…I can’t place my joy on the earthly promise that it will get better. I can’t place my joy on anything this world may offer me because it’s temporary and so temperamental. If I look outside of my earthly body and see that I am not a body but a soul. We all are. We can move forward joyously knowing that we are not confined to the temperament of this world but that Christ has made a way for us to experience what we long for…and that is to be with Him.

Home Isn’t A Place

Touching down in the middle of a corn field is kind of peculiar sight, but if your in Iowa…it’s normal.

Home. I felt my heart ease into a strange rhythm of familiarity. So strange how easy it is go back to “normal” after being away for so many months and literally having been out of the country and back.

Home isn’t a place, it’s where your heart is tide too. My family. My friends. They are pieces of my heart running around. Now that my two best friends no longer live in Iowa, it’s more sad to go back, but my family is still there.

Iowa is just full of corn, but if you lived here your entire life you would find more to do than just starring at a cornfield across the road from your house. People who ask me what ones does in Iowa; I wouldn’t know. If your used to being bored, you find ways to entertain yourself.

My friends and I jokingly dubbed ourselves the Queens of our small town…little did we know that a year later, neither of us would be around to reign over our metaphorical subjects.

As heartbreaking as it may seem…there is a happiness about it. A happiness that we can say later on in life as we all have careers and six digit salaries “remember when we all were poor and worked at the Cheese House together that entire summer?” or “Remember the late night runs to Village Inn?” and all the other crazy road trips and laughing until we couldn’t breathe.

I miss those days.

I don’t want to relive my life though. It would be nice to stop in once in a while. It would be nice to meet up at the corner near my house to drive into the city. It would be nice to get up early for church and eat at our favorite diner. It would be nice some days to hear Dad shuffling around upstairs on a Saturday morning. It would be nice to always find someone to hug in the house, especially Mom.

Those were the days.

But these are the days now.

Sitting in my office, I’ll suddenly have this out of body experience of wondering “Why am I here? Where do I belong?”

Thinking back on the last 10 years of my life. Back when I was 13 and constantly feeling a push to go forward. Now I just want to step back.

All of a sudden all the things I have accomplished and gone through in life will melt into these series of flashbacks. As epic as it sounds…

It makes me sad, nostalgic and lonely.

Lonely for the people who were there along the way; sad at the goodbyes to the people who came and went so suddenly, and then missing the ones that are still by my side though they are a thousand miles away.

Home isn’t a place…and yet it’s a place we are constantly longing for.

But until we get to Heaven, the longing will never cease. Can you imagine, being in a room full of faces you love and cherish? We get a taste of that every once in a while, but it brings tears to my eyes when I think how Heaven will never have loneliness, heartbreak or regrets. It will be full of those people who pointed you to Christ with how they loved you.

We see in a mirror dimly now, but when we get to Heaven, we will be fully known. We will see Christ face to face. That separation will no longer pine at us.

But today I will sit in my office and go through the motions of today, and constantly seek to do what God is calling me to be. Though my questions will sometimes raise to “why am I here? What am I doing?”, God has this amazing story for my life, and though I can only see through it dimly, and sometimes not at all when it is darkened with my confusion, grief and loneliness; I’ll trust His plans are far better than my own.

In The Quiet

D.C. is a place full of noise; ambition, and ladders to climb…

But there are certain places you find that make you remember that there is more than that when you find the quiet.

The Jefferson Memorial sits beside the basin of the Potomac, looking towards the Washington Monument that stands as a beacon in the city. It’s quiet there. Couples will sit on the steps and talk about their hopes and dreams…some of us will eat ice cream and talk for hours about what we want to be.

Behind the Lincoln Memorial, you will find a quiet spot to rest, as the crowds swarm inside to get a peak of Lincoln and his gigantic frame.

There are the places that go untouched…and one of those secluded places is Theodore Roosevelt’s Island. It sits on the Potomac, where you have to take a walking bridge to get to the inside. There, in the heart of the island, you will find Theodore Roosevelt, looming ahead with his arm raised.

Behind him, there is a series of quote on Youth.

“I want to see you game, boys, I want to see you brave and manly, and I also want to see you gentle and tender. (Address at Friends School, Washington, DC, May 24, 1907) • Be practical as well are generous in your ideals. Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground. (Speech at Prize Day Exercises at Groton School, Groton, MA, May 24 1904) • Courage, hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort are all essential to successful life. (America and the World War, 1915) • Alike for the nation and the individual, the one indispensable requisite is character. (American Ideals, 1897).”

At 42, Roosevelt became the youngest man to serve as president when McKinley was assassinated in 1901. He was a progressive, championing the Square Deal, and mediated the Treaty of Portsmouth to end the Russo-Japanese War, along with that he wanted to preserve our national resources with national parks, forests, and monuments. He remains one of the top five presidents in popularity.

Sitting in the middle of the island, those quotes ring out as a quiet reminder to those who can find the secluded spot, that the generation to come must be brave. We must have courage; hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort. We must have character as the heart of our nation turns some of us into the villains we despise and some of us into the heroes we never thought we could be.

When I read these quotes I feel a sense of urgency. My life hasn’t been easy, easier than some, but everyone experiences trials and hardships.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Teddy says courage. Courage to stand up when it counts. Courage to sit down and listen. Courage to take leaps when you are not sure what the outcome will be. Courage to place in yourself and others.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

The youth in us all dares to dream. But Teddy says to be mindful. Keep your feet planted in reality.

Work hard. Even when the going gets tough and you have to keep on. Sometimes their will seem to be no benefit to all the trying.

But keep going.

Teddy says to be a master of your own self. Not others.

He wants to see you have intelligent effort. He didn’t say to be smarter than everyone else. No one cares about how much you know until they see how much you care.

And add that all together…character is the indispensable requisite to life.

Don’t let the world steal you away; the ladder of ambition is ceaseless but the higher the fall.

Be kind. Be brave.

Step into adulthood with those qualities.

“A man’s usefulness depends upon his living up to his ideals in so far as he can. (A Letter to Dr. Sturgis Bigelow, March 29, 1898) • It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. (The Strenuous Life, 1900) • All daring and courage, all iron endurance of misfortune make for a finer and nobler type of manhood. (Address to Naval War College, June 2, 1897) • Only those are fit to live who do not fear to die: and none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. (The Great Adventure, 1918).”

I use to wonder why the secluded monuments were the best. It’s because they are quiet and don’t hold as much people. You can sit and reflect.

There is a reason the water fountain in the center of the World War II Memorial is loud enough to drown out the noise of the people talking.

In the quiet we find what we need. We find understanding and empathy.

So if your on Teddy’s little island one of these days or in a secluded spot that no one really knows about in D.C.

Walk around.

Sit.

Listen.

You may find yourself some peace as you sit in the quiet.

Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

Finding Joy in My Path

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

Today I had my last class ever at the University of Iowa. Next week, I will face finals and then I will graduate with my Bachelors in Political Science.

I’m looking at my cap and gown hanging on the wall as I write this. I’m thinking about seventeen when I graduated high school, and how fast those years went by…from community college, to becoming a certified nursing assistant, changing my major a million times, transferring to the University of Iowa, working on several campaigns, being an intern, traveling the country, and so much more.

It was a roller coaster, but I made it, and the changes to come are sweeping me away.

Away from Iowa. Away from the only place I have called home.

It’s strange how nothing changes and then everything changes all at once. Your heart tugs you different places and makes all these plans, but then God directs your steps, despite if it doesn’t make sense or it’s not what you want.

He is leading me down this path that is scary and excited at the same time and all I can do is trust Him and have patience.

I pray that I find joy in my path though.

Every decision I have made in life has been calculated, weighted, stressed over, reevaluated, back and forth, yes and no.
Don’t do this because it doesn’t make sense. Do this because it looks good. Make these decisions based on what people will think of you. Don’t do what you actually want to do because people will judge you.

Maybe it’s because I am always thinking about what others will think of me and I let let my fears and anxieties rule me, that I forget to trust Jesus…and to find joy in my path.

My path of life. My career path. My relationships.

I worry, over excessively. I make myself miserable to the point I cannot stand myself.

I woke up and I wasn’t seventeen anymore, starting college. I let these years past by stressing about money, trying to make all the right choices, working overtime while going to school full time.

I woke up at 22 realizing that I let it slip through my fingers. The joy I could have had in learning and thriving, but I didn’t. I let my joy slip through my fingers far too often. I stumped my growth to the point that when my senior year came around, I could not care less. I was tired and worn thin.

But now I’m graduating.

I don’t have all the answers in life, nor what the Lord has in store for me as I go on this new path. I just know that if I do not find joy along the way, no matter what path I’m on, I will be disheartened, miserable, and worn by the end.

So I’m trusting God as I walk this new path, that no matter what comes my way, I will face it with a spirit of grace, joy and, most importantly, peace.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

Afraid.

I was talking one night, talking about my future plans and how much I hate my job. I was talking about past relationships and how I can’t find anyone that I am comfortable with. I talked about being a senior in college and how uncertain everything is. I talked about my internship opportunity in D.C. and how I don’t know what I am doing…and that I’m scared.

I guess it took long enough to admit.

But I’m afraid of most things. I just put on a brave face and sassy attitude and act like the female-version of Rhett Butler and how I “frankly don’t give a dam”. But then I am Scarlett, walking away from it all and saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow”.

Stalling and not caring…or at least, saying I don’t care.

That’s me.

Today though, I looked around at all the things that I have grown comfortable with. Like driving. At first the road into town was scary and uncertain because I just didn’t have enough experience at the wheel. Now I can drive long distances without fear and I have confidence in my ability but also I trust Jesus that He will get me from one point to the next safely.

Just like in life. If only I could take that trust and transfer it to every situation I am in.

My college career will either be over after December, or I will go on to graduate school. My internship in D.C. will work out with ease or it will be rocky and not work out at all. I’ll either be single till tomorrow or I won’t get married till I’m thirty…or not at all. My job has an expiration date but it could be longer than I anticipate.

And even then, what job lays ahead? The future. It scares me.

But oddly enough I woke up yesterday not feeling scared anymore. I looked up and applied for housing around the D.C. area. I bought some more clothes for my internship. I scheduled some appointments.

It’s the waiting that gets me.

Waiting for the future. Because the longer I wait the more anxious I become and the more fearful I get.

And I need a heart of patience. I need a heart for a lot of things. To show more kindness and love. To be more frugal with my time and assets.

But let me get back to patience. I realize that I am going off on a lot of things from being afraid to confidence to patience. Hopefully it all comes full circle so I can tie it up in a nice little package for my readers (if I have any, let’s be honest, my reach toward stardom hasn’t gotten very far since I started this WordPress four long years ago).

I find myself checking my email like a crazy person because I am expecting some important emails to come through. When I was on a *cough* messaging app, I was constantly checking my phone hoping for some more messages and possibly “the one” to message me. Even during midterms, I was just trying to go through the motions and wishing it all to be over quick.

I’m in such a rush. A rush to find “the one”; a rush to get through college; a rush to figure out all my future plans. A rush to get through a work weekend because I don’t like my job.

Always rushing. It’s so tiring.

Because no matter how hard I try, nothing gets happens because it’s not in my control. I did my part. I am doing my part. It’s the other side that I am waiting on.

So there. I am afraid of uncertainty and don’t have the patience to wait on Jesus’ perfect timing.

The Bible talks about patience so much…

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

Galatians 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

And yet, I don’t take my time reading and studying it and pondering these things in my heart.

It’s so simple yet so hard. To just run to Jesus into His open arms and let my anxieties and fears go. To be completely joyfully patient, knowing that His timing is perfect, and even when disappointment hits my shoreline, to still have peace.

A Single White Girl

I hate reading blogs about how to be single. I don’t like it when girls will post “Jesus is My Valentine” on Valentines Day or clog Pinterest with “How To Be Single 101”, “10 Fun Thing To Do While Your Single”, “Solo Date Ideas” and “Being Single Isn’t a Status, It Means Your Strong & Independent”.

It’s like, thanks for giving me a list. I’m glad to know there are 10 whole things a single person can do for fun. It just seems that single people, woman to be more specific, find a way to either embrace singleness with a sort of defiance like “SCREW MEN!” type of attitudes and then others are like kidding themselves by saying “Oh, prince charming will come for me eventually”.

He’s not coming on a white steed because 1) Princes don’t exist (they do, but come on, they usually come in the form of party boy Prince Harry) and 2) Your not a princess. Stop kidding yourself.

Also being single isn’t some kind of “choice”, it’s just a circumstance we women find ourselves in that we either can accept with grace and poise or we can eye every eligible man we encounter with some kind of barbaric insanity because we have been labeled “single and alone”.

I’m not saying I have never said those two lines above…I have. A lot actually because there is some kind of humorous sarcasm behind it that means “I’m saying this because it could or could not be true…HAHA. Just kidding…or am I?”

Let’s have a moment of silence and a few tears because this dude doesn’t exist in real life.

You know what annoys me? Is when all of your friends are single, but then that one friend gets a boyfriend and you never see them again, and all of their posts on social media are based on the sole fact that so-so is in a relationship and look at those ADORABLE pictures and quoting song lyrics that just fit their relationship PERFECTLY.

I guess this post isn’t helping to prove my point, because I am the average single white girl who wants a boyfriend but doesn’t have one.

I’m embracing my singleness, but I’m not going to say I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not going to say that if I wait long enough then he will just magically appear. Because like everything, you must give effort and to be honest, I’m not giving any effort right now. Why? Because there is sort of big thing called “time”. I’m a list person, and I’m not saying I can put “oh at so and so time I will get a boyfriend” because I know it doesn’t work like that.

I find saying “get a boyfriend” sounds shallow, it’s like “yep, going pick me one of those up at the store”. You know what? I’m just going to settle for a Tom-like attitude from Parks and Rec.

I’m single, but I am not alone.

YOU ARE AWESOME. Single, taken, waiting, being overly optimistic while waiting, or way to pessimistic. This Valentines Day eat those chocolates from yo Mom because she loves you and everyone else does and someday someone special will love you more then all those people combined.

Jesus isn’t your valentine, but He loves you way more then your Mom or future spouse. Don’t ever forget that.

Also, since it’s just another Valentines Day aka Singles Awareness Day.

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First Impressions.

It’s strange that I have lived in this area my entire life, but I suddenly feel like a stranger in the confines of downtown *insert city*. I’ve been a fan of my college football team since I was little. I’ve walked along these now not so familiar streets and felts fine up until now. I am carrying a backpack; I’m rushing from one class to the next. I’m a student of this large, intricate community called the University of *insert state* and I don’t know how I feel about it yet.

At my community college it wasn’t hard to fit into the small crevice I found myself in. It’s not hard now. Actually, it’s mostly the same. We still wait in the halls for class to start in silent nervousness. No one makes eye contact with each other on the streets. Class discussions are still forced rather then flowing. We are still just trying to get through these next couple years with as little damage to our grades as possibly. Yet…something feels different.

Maybe it’s just me.

Maybe my attitude has changed for the better. I realize that these last two years of college are extremely important.

Not because I need scholarships and good grades (all of which would be great to have) but because after this my future starts or stays the same.
I fear the word “same” and yet I still get nervous over the word “change” and fear the word “future” as much as I do the present. Because as much as I don’t like the present, I keep hoping toward this future that has something more then 8 hour shifts and working a job that doesn’t hold any of my interests except money.

As much as I love money, I realized quickly that money won’t make me happy, neither will my physical surroundings. It’s what’s inside that matters. What values I hold and what I believe in. How willing am I to live a life where I’m standing up for what is good instead of sitting down and staying silent?

The easiest is staying silent. That’s more comfortable, more safe. But I don’t want “comfortable”. I want to break out of this comfort zone that only goes a few feet out my front door.

These last two years are important because this is my time to build up my resume. To volunteers and get internships. I’m in the major, but that’s not enough. I have to pursue all of these things in order to proceed in the career path I’ve chosen.

I know I sound hopeful (maybe a little desperate). But let me tell you, I’m scared. But as much as I’m scared of this new school that I have grown up around my entire life…I want to succeed.

But first I have to try.

A Bit of Musings From Me to You

Hello! Did you miss me? Should I dare ask that question? Partly because I feel like my little corner has been forgotten about because it’s been left vacant for too long. I’ve tried to sit down and write something deep and thoughtful, but honestly? I feel like every thought that I try to spill out onto this blank white sheet of computer space doesn’t sound right. I feel like everything I write is just a bunch of empty, scattered words.

Summer break has come to a sad goodbye because school has finally begun. Funny how three months feels like a long stretch of time but once it’s over with you wonder where summer went and why didn’t you enjoy it more? I spent my last couple weeks of break in Colorado. My entire summer I felt had been centered around going to Summit, a Christian worldview conference in Manitou Springs. When the day finally arrived to go…I honestly didn’t want to. Maybe my nerves were getting to me. I mean, seriously, I’m the type of person who needs motivation just to get out of her PJs in the morning or anything that has socializing involved.

I arrived at Summit and knew absolutely no one. I looked at the heavy schedule they placed in front of us and felt like two weeks was going to be an eternity before I could go back home. Because home is familiar. I know what to do and where to go and who my people are. Mealtime was especially stressful since you had to pick a table to sit at and you didn’t know the people sitting there. My introverted side was getting the best of me, but then I got to know my roommates. Suddenly the people in the cafeteria became my classmates. We were all here for one thing and that was to grow in Christ. I never before have been surrounded by such brilliant minded students, speakers and staff. By graduation, I didn’t want to leave the old hotel in Manitou. Even now, it seems like an entirely different world, a small corner where you can just feel Jesus in every corner and crevice of it’s old structure.

I know it sounds a little cheesy to say this…but I felt like I lost myself over the course of two years. I graduated high school and started college; I went from one major to the next; tried all sorts of different classes; landed new jobs…I forgot who I was in Christ.

It’s such a terrible thing to be lost…but it’s so-so sweet to be found.

It’s not about the majors, the jobs…goodness, it’s not even about yourself. Life is such a generalized series of events. We grow up, we graduate high school, we choose a major, we graduate college, we get a job that we kind of sorta like, have a family, retire…then die.

At least that was the conversation I overheard by two students today while waiting for class to start. “Who cares how long your in college, heck, people go and get there masters and then change their minds. You might as well stay in college as long as you can because then after that you have to start real life, get a job and then die.”

Ah, how wrong is this person behind me? I thought. How pointless. How dumb. Why on earth are we here if we are just meant to die and turn to dust?

The sad fact is, I fell into this lie. It’s a strange thing, we pay all this money to go to college and get a bachelors, then a masters, and keep extending our time in college to avoid “real life”, as if college is a safety net that we cling to before we are forced to fall into reality. I fell into the lie that life is about these series of events where death is the ultimate outcome. I look back on my life and it isn’t so simple, it never was intended to be, nor will it ever be.

Death is the ultimate outcome.

But it’s not our eternity.

My eternity is in Heaven. What I do on this earth should be a reflection of Christ; my entire mindset should be only to glorify Him in all that I do. Sadly though, I get blinded by my own desires and personal gain. I kept choosing majors that I hoped would give me security and stability. Why do I seek comfort from this world when it only greets me with empty words and promises? Here is the finer things in life, where all of your troubles will be solved. But I find that the higher I step on the ladder, it gives me more burdens then the previous steps.

But then I went to Summit. I realized that I don’t want stability and comfort that the world has to offer, but that I want the stability and comfort that can only be found in Christ.

I want truth.

I want Jesus.

I have this unsatisfied curiosity now that I don’t know how, nor do I want, to quench, thanks to Summit.

Someone once told me that there is no point in trying to change the world because people don’t change.

But then, what is the point in anything? What is the point in healing the sick when we are just going to die? What is the point in fixing anything when it’s inevitably going to break again?

What I’m saying is this…

Death is not our eternity (which I stated earlier).

That is why we should care…we should care about the souls inside the bodies. The sick, the poor, the world and all of the souls it contains. We should fight for the lives of the innocent. We should stand up against controversial issues and laws made that go against our Christian morals and beliefs.

As Christians we are called to be the light in the dark, and to lead others to Christ. In the end, it does matter.

Ah, to my fellow student, who will sit behind me in class for this entire semester, who thinks that death is nothing but an end.

Let me tell you, it’s only the beginning.