Tag: 2017

Finding Joy in My Path

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“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

Today I had my last class ever at the University of Iowa. Next week, I will face finals and then I will graduate with my Bachelors in Political Science.

I’m looking at my cap and gown hanging on the wall as I write this. I’m thinking about seventeen when I graduated high school, and how fast those years went by…from community college, to becoming a certified nursing assistant, changing my major a million times, transferring to the University of Iowa, working on several campaigns, being an intern, traveling the country, and so much more.

It was a roller coaster, but I made it, and the changes to come are sweeping me away.

Away from Iowa. Away from the only place I have called home.

It’s strange how nothing changes and then everything changes all at once. Your heart tugs you different places and makes all these plans, but then God directs your steps, despite if it doesn’t make sense or it’s not what you want.

He is leading me down this path that is scary and excited at the same time and all I can do is trust Him and have patience.

I pray that I find joy in my path though.

Every decision I have made in life has been calculated, weighted, stressed over, reevaluated, back and forth, yes and no.
Don’t do this because it doesn’t make sense. Do this because it looks good. Make these decisions based on what people will think of you. Don’t do what you actually want to do because people will judge you.

Maybe it’s because I am always thinking about what others will think of me and I let let my fears and anxieties rule me, that I forget to trust Jesus…and to find joy in my path.

My path of life. My career path. My relationships.

I worry, over excessively. I make myself miserable to the point I cannot stand myself.

I woke up and I wasn’t seventeen anymore, starting college. I let these years past by stressing about money, trying to make all the right choices, working overtime while going to school full time.

I woke up at 22 realizing that I let it slip through my fingers. The joy I could have had in learning and thriving, but I didn’t. I let my joy slip through my fingers far too often. I stumped my growth to the point that when my senior year came around, I could not care less. I was tired and worn thin.

But now I’m graduating.

I don’t have all the answers in life, nor what the Lord has in store for me as I go on this new path. I just know that if I do not find joy along the way, no matter what path I’m on, I will be disheartened, miserable, and worn by the end.

So I’m trusting God as I walk this new path, that no matter what comes my way, I will face it with a spirit of grace, joy and, most importantly, peace.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

 

It’s A Wonderful Life

I’m sorry for my absence these past couple of months. So much as happened since my last entry that I honestly don’t know where I should begin. At this moment, I am recuperating from all the exams I had to take during Finals Week, and now I am looking forward to a few weeks off that I know will go by far to quickly, and working to supply the funds for my classy lifestyle (note the sarcasm please) and just resting.

This entire year has been a crash course honestly and it’s left me in a state of tiredness that I have never known before. My anxiety has reached its peak. My comfort zone has been stretched and worn thin. I’ve tried so hard, faced my own failures, and looked at all my shortcomings and felt my confidence dwindle to nothing.

But my God, have I grown. Grown and yet still in need of so much more growing. I’ve taken root in my surroundings; invested in people; I have learned to care; to love deeper, and try harder. Because as long as I tried; put forth the effort and put myself out there…that was success in itself. The simple act of trying.

I wait on the cuffs of expectation for the next year, whispering “it will be better” but the fact is, the situations don’t make me, but how I handle them. So maybe instead I’ll work on myself, shouting “I will be better!” instead of waiting for the daunting “it” to change.

This coming year is going to be full of the same old relentless trying with an innumerable amount of inner pep talks; trying to talk myself out of how I feel because how I feel is not always fact and sometimes, most of the time, it holds me back, because I like my corner, as awkward as it is, it is quite comfortable. But I don’t want to be live the comfortable life as uncomfortable as it is breaking out of my comfort zone (if that makes sense).

This year I’m going to be more confident, and if that means faking confidence, then so be it. Maybe I’ll acquire the real thing along the way. I’m not going to let the fear hold me back anymore because I’m always going to be scared. I’m going to learn to love myself despite the tendency to see all my flaws and belittle myself. Because you can’t love others half as well if you don’t know how to love and care for your own self first. Along the way, I’m going to learn how to be selfless and more giving of my time and assets to others and work on making the relationships I have stronger.

Most importantly, grow closer to Jesus. Because honestly, if I just grow closer to Him, everything else will fall into place. I’ll have more confidence and more love to give because HE makes me better, stronger and more willing.

I’m on a journey of self betterment and my heart is yearning for adventure. I’m excited but I have no expectations. Because 365 days are wrapped up in a year. That’s a lot of hours/minutes/seconds to go through. My tendency to trace out my life plans with an innumerable amount of sticky notes on my desk makes me more anxious than prepared. If I just step away and put Jesus first where He rightly deserves to be, than my plans make more sense and I have a more sure step into the future.

The end of 2017 will spring me into another unknown world but I’m going to focus on the two semesters and one summer I have left of being a college student because it’s exciting. It’s not going to be all excitement but for the most part, it’s going to be a great year despite everything that may happen. You want to know why? Because I got butterflies and goosebumps and that could be a good or bad thing but it’s okay.

Because my philosophy is simple: if it scares you, if you feel butterflies, go for it and if it doesn’t work out, let yourself be disappointed because it’s okay to be disappointed, but then move on and try for something better, because it’s all in God’s plan.

2017 is my senior year and I’m ready.

2016, you were a bunch of things wrapped into one. But you held so much more than I ever could have imagined.

As I seem to look at life with a George Bailey perspective.

“I’m shakin’ the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I’m gonna see the world”

Someday I will. But at this moment it’s home. But my God I am loved. It’s lovely to be loved by people who know you at your worst and see you at your best. Who find joy in your joy and comfort you when you fail.

Thank you Jesus, for this truly wonderful life you have given me.

“No man is a failure who has friends”