An Act of the Will

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  • Forgive: To stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake.

Greater Good Magazine, a UC Berkley publication, says that while it is just as important to define what forgiveness is…it is also important to define what it is not. They state it doesn’t mean to “gloss over what happened or deny the seriousness of the offense.” It does not mean forgetting, condoning or excusing.

Though forgiveness can repair a damaged relationship, it does not obligate reconciliation.

A few nights ago a familiar feeling started sinking into my chest. It was one of pain, remorse, bitterness and sadness. It was a “suck your breath in sharply” sort of pain.

I thought I had moved forward.

I thought it was all in the past.

I thought this feeling was gone.

Have I actually practiced forgiveness? Or was it just empty words that I tried speaking into my heart to feel?

I came to the realization that maybe I haven’t fully forgiven certain things because I still feel like a chain is around my neck.

A chain of uncertainty, hopelessness and pain that isn’t from Jesus. Jesus says “come to me and I will convict and redeem” while Satan speaks words of hopelessness, lies and condemnation that we cannot overcome the bad things that happen to us whether they be self inflicted or inflicted by someone else.

We begin to dehumanize the people that made the offense and I will go one step further and say we can also dehumanize ourselves in the fact that we can’t forgive ourselves either. We deprive ourselves and the offender of positive human qualities and one of those qualities is compassion and lacking compassion towards the people who did us wrong and ourselves leads to bitterness, resentment and hate.

In an article on forgiveness, Corrie Ten Boom said:

  • “Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that. And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion–I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”

An act of the will. Does feeling have anything to do with forgiveness?

While forgiveness is powerful, it is an act of extending grace instead of demanding justice. The memories will resurface and you will remember the feelings of betrayal and hurt but those are in the past, you have chosen to forgive and you choose to love.

Choice over feeling.

We may believe that our feelings are complete and utter truth at times, but as I keep moving towards it more and more, I believe that choice is much more stronger, and the hardest part of love and forgiveness, because it makes us come to terms with our humanity, to go right or wrong, to choose to love or hate, to forgive or hold that sin against the offender.

And imagine if Christ forgave as a human does? Oh how terrible salvation would be if it was all based on a feeling, held against us in a form of a grudge and if it truly were based on our standard of justice, we would all have paid our penalty of death.

Ephesians 4:31-32 says:

  • “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

I’m ridding myself of my self righteousness, my pride, my anger, the hate…it’s not worth it. The feelings eat me up inside and if I can’t extend the grace that Christ forgave me with, do I even deserve forgiveness myself? Further, if I can’t extend myself grace, is my preconceived notion of justice and grace make me mightier than Christ?  C.S. Lewis once said:

  • “I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.”

Forgiveness is an act of the will, regardless of how you feel. It doesn’t mean though that you need to justify the wrong done, it means you defined the pain or wrong done but didn’t let it define who you are becoming – it sets you on a path of healing.

But even though we choose to forgive – it doesn’t mean that hurt won’t come back up again.

Corrie Ten Boom went to see her pastor after she was struggling with forgiving the people she loved that had hurt her. It was unexpected to have a harder time forgiving those she loved than the Nazis that caused her so much grief and loss.  Her pastor said:

  • “Up in that church tower,” he said, nodding out the window, “is a bell which is rung by pulling on a rope. But you know what? After the sexton lets go of the rope, the bell keeps on swinging. First ding then dong. Slower and slower until there’s a final dong and it stops. I believe the same thing is true of forgiveness. When we forgive someone, we take our hand off the rope. But if we’ve been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn’t be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for a while. They’re just the ding-dongs of the old bell slowing down.”

And it is slowing down. In you and me. When we choose to let go of that rope. Sometimes it reverberates in my heart and the sadness and hurt come back in.

But it doesn’t stay forever.

“I forgive you.” I can look in the mirror and say. I say a prayer in the night when the fear, anger and betrayal rise up and the helpless feeling comes over me again. “Redeem me Jesus. Save me from this. Forgive me.”

and the last one…the hardest one maybe…is forgiving the source of that pain.

Ding.

Dong.

It will go away soon and maybe it will go away for a time and then come back again.

But I give it to Christ because the weight is too big for me carry.

Forgiveness is both vulnerability and strength at its finest and it’s beautiful when you finally come to terms with it.

Forgiveness is freedom from the past, from the present and future mistakes. It’s continually active in our lives not a passive, one time thing.

Many nights I long for the understanding as to why such bad things happen in our lives or why people hurt people or why those we can forgive refuse to extend that same grace – but then I’m reminded of a story in Corrie Ten Boom’s The Hiding Place when she was asked to carry her father’s suitcase after asking a question he didn’t want to answer quite yet.

  • “Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning. “It’s too heavy,” I said. “Yes,” he said, “and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”

Much like Christ, our Father only gives us what He knows we can bear, and when we can’t, He will carry it for us. While I long for the knowledge of what I don’t understand, I can fully trust Christ to carry it for me because I am my Father’s child and He loves is without bounds (isn’t that so comforting?).

I can’t change the past. But I can choose today. Right now. To choose forgiveness. To choose to love despite. To seek refuge in the forgiveness, grace and love Christ offers me so freely.

The bell may toll every once again, but I willfully let go of that rope; time heals and the sounds begin to diminish, the tempo gets slower and slower until the last ring finally  fades and maybe quite abruptly – stops. 

 

Thank You, Next

 

Laughing at how funny we are
Cory and i
Facetime with Nat 🙂
Violet, Ruby and I
That jacket though
Yeah…
Bowling and being awkward
Cheese balls!
Ummm
Facetime with the big sis
Capitol Tour with the fam
Speaking on a panel in Moscow, Russia
Blue lights. Enough said.
Fries and Ranch with Liv

“I find it interesting that this has been one of the best years of my career and the worst of my life,” Grande said. “A lot of people would look at someone in my position right now as an artist that could be at her peak and think, ‘She’s really got her sh** together, she’s really on it. She’s got it all.’ And I do, but as far as my personal life goes, I really have no idea what[…]I’m doing[…]and as of late I’ve discovered that it’s the things I’ve always had and the people I’ve always had that still make me the happiest.”

A year ago, I graduated from college. I got a new job. I moved almost a thousand miles away. I learned how to be an adult. I experienced so much love counteracted by heartbreak, grief and loneliness. I went to a foreign country for the first time. I planned a global conference. I’ve helped different families in minor or significant ways in over 80 different countries.

It’s been a crazy year.

In the midst of all those changes and challenges were a lot of tears. I learned a lot about me, and yet still know nothing at all.

Tears fell as I sat in my room a couple nights before my graduation as I stared at the cap and gown waiting to be worn across a platform to accept my degree.

Tears were shed on the interstate from Iowa to Virginia in my car full of all my belongings.

Tears spilled in the hall as the background echoed cheers at the close of the last session in Moscow, Russia.

Tears fell on a plane bound home to Iowa for a couple of weeks – a girl who once believed that heartbreak was purely metaphorical, found out it was actually quite physical and yet could only be healed by time and patience.

2018 showed me I am a constant work in progress, but aren’t we all?

Most importantly – I have learned to forgive. I learned to forgive others, myself and to accept the forgiveness Christ so freely offers me.

I have learned so much this year about love and forgiveness through my broken experiences. As Matt Heard said “The worst kind of pain is wasted pain”. So will I use my brokenness to push me into the next stage of life and grow me spiritually, mentally and emotionally and make me wiser? Or will I waste the pain and have it hinder my growth? Will it harden or strengthen my heart? Can I trust God to redeem my pain?

I settle my heart down and let the pain in. I will cast all my anxieties upon Him because He cares for me. He will lead me beside the still waters. He will restore my soul. He will lead me down a path of righteousness, but also a path of joy and peace.

Psalms 34:18 says:

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

This year taught me love, patience and pain, but it also taught me how to understand and sympathize, it taught what it truly means to be selfless, but it also taught me how important it is to take care of myself – to take my God-sized needs to Christ, that in order to be a source of life, I need to have Jesus be my source of life first.

On the days that I couldn’t get out of bed, something so simple my sister said has stuck with me since “sometimes you have to do what is good for you, not what you want to do”.

I repeat these words on the many days I don’t want to work out. On the days I don’t want to leave my bed. On the days that I don’t want to eat a certain way. On the Sundays when I don’t feel like going to church. When I fall into my hermit-like tendencies. When praying is hard. When reading my Bible is about as unappealing as carrots (I greatly dislike carrots by the way).

In more ways than one I see how God interwove that theme into my life this year. Jesus saying “Sometimes I have to do what is good for you, not what you want me to.”

As Jeremiah 29:11 says:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

So thank you 2018; for all that you offered and took away; for all the people that came and went – and most importantly, to those I’ve always had and will never leave. 2018 made me realize that the people I have always had – are the ones that make me the happiest still and you can see some of them pictured above. I love these people. So much.

2019 is whispering on the threshold “it will be happier” as Tennyson says but I think I like T.S. Eliot’s quote better:

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”

So thank you 2018.

Thank you, next.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

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On May 1, 1969 – Fred Rogers testified in front of the US Senate Commerce Committee to request funds to support the growth of public television to Senator Pastore. Seemingly rough around the edges, Pastore listened to Rogers as he explained the importance of child development and the generation to come.

“I feel like if we in public television can only make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable we would have done a great service for mental health[…]let me tell you the words of one of the songs which I feel very important[…]what do you do with the mad that you feel? When you feel so mad you could bite? When the whole wide world seems oh so wrong and nothing you do seems very right? What do you do? Do you punch a bag? Do you pound some clay or some dough? Do you round up friends for a game of tag or see how fast you can go? It’s great to be able to stop when you’ve planned the thing that’s wrong, and to be able to do something else instead, and think this song. I can stop when I want to; can stop when I wish; can stop-stop-stop anytime, and what a could feeling to feel like this and know that the feeling is really mine, know that there is something deep inside that helps us become what we can; for a girl can be someday a lady, and a boy can be someday a man.” – Fred Rogers

Senator Pastore, visibly impressed, received goosebumps and gave the funds to public programming.

“The greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know that they’re loved and capable of loving.” – Fred Rogers

Watching Will You Be My Neighbor? brought flashbacks of my own childhood. In an age when social media, cellphones and the constant connection before internet, Mr. Rogers was tailored to an audience that didn’t have those capabilities, but as I remember growing up, every child, no matter what age or generation they are growing up in, faces the same difficulties of not feeling loved and wanted.

Even as a grown up, I fight these same feelings of the constant seeking of approval. Although Mr. Rogers received backlash for his “everyone is special” message from the critics who say “if everyone is special, no one is.” Mr. Rogers led the movement into participation trophies and emotional thinkers.

But I don’t believe that was ever Mr. Rogers intention.

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood was on air from 1968 to 2001 with 31 seasons and nearly a thousand episodes; Rogers was a lifelong registered Republican and an ordained minister, he faced a wide area of issues on his half hour segment, such as divorce, assassination and racism. Rogers was a tolerant human being who said that we should love others and ourselves.

In 2017 a study from Mental Health America showed 43.7 million Americans struggle annual with mental health illness. 8.47% report having substance or alcohol abuse problems. 11% of youth report suffering from one depressive episode in the past year. 7.4% of youth suffer from sever depression. 5.13% of youth suffer from substance or alcohol abuse. (You can see the study here)

When 9/11 hit, his wife said that he felt defeated. Evil kept existing and the world was always going to be facing tragedy.

One of my friends on Instagram posted a metaphor of being a lighthouse for those around us. To paraphrase, he talked about how nations spend so much in trying to protect themselves from external threats, but that is not enough to insure safety. Extending it to individuals, safety from the external does not stop us from hurting ourselves and others.

We need beacons in our lives, and we need to be beacons for others. Though we cannot control what they do, “you can be a light that others can follow to safety.”

“How sad it is that we give up on people who are just like us.” – Fred Rogers

That being said, Mr. Rogers was a beacon. He let children know for years, everyday that for thirty minutes, we can drown out the noise.

The statistics from 2017, show a fallen world. A world where depression is becoming more prominent because we never feel good enough, loved enough, or wanted. We believe the lies and accept them as truth. This world is scary and tragic…but a man saw that in the midst of the tragedy and fear, we can be a beacon of truth.

“The toughest thing is to love somebody who has done something mean to you. Especially when that somebody has been yourself.” – Fred Rogers

The truth that Jesus loves us oh so very much and because Jesus loves us and forgives us, we need to love and forgive ourselves and others.

I prayer that my light and your light will not grow dim or that you or I will never get to far from the shoreline to see our “beacons”, the people that love us; want the best for us, and steadily stand firm as they wait for our return. Those people exemplify Christ in their love. Jesus is never going to stop loving you, and even when it seems like you are “too far gone”, you never will be.

“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost” – Luke 19:10

Will You Be My Neighbor? is a tear jerker in which I highly recommend. It’s not because it’s sad necessarily, but because it serves as a reminder that as a child of God, you are loved, wanted and matter.

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Home Isn’t A Place

Touching down in the middle of a corn field is kind of peculiar sight, but if your in Iowa…it’s normal.

Home. I felt my heart ease into a strange rhythm of familiarity. So strange how easy it is go back to “normal” after being away for so many months and literally having been out of the country and back.

Home isn’t a place, it’s where your heart is tide too. My family. My friends. They are pieces of my heart running around. Now that my two best friends no longer live in Iowa, it’s more sad to go back, but my family is still there.

Iowa is just full of corn, but if you lived here your entire life you would find more to do than just starring at a cornfield across the road from your house. People who ask me what ones does in Iowa; I wouldn’t know. If your used to being bored, you find ways to entertain yourself.

My friends and I  jokingly dubbed ourselves the Queens of our small town…little did we know that a year later, neither of us would be around to reign over our metaphorical subjects.

As heartbreaking as it may seem…there is a happiness about it. A happiness that we can say later on in life as we all have careers and six digit salaries “remember when we all were poor and worked at the Cheese House together that entire summer?” or “Remember the late night runs to Village Inn?” and all the other crazy road trips and laughing until we couldn’t breathe.

I miss those days.

I don’t want to relive my life though. It would be nice to stop in once in a while. It would be nice to meet up at the corner near my house to drive into the city. It would be nice to get up early for church and eat at our favorite diner. It would be nice some days to hear Dad shuffling around upstairs on a Saturday morning. It would be nice to always find someone to hug in the house, especially Mom.

Those were the days.

But these are the days now.

Sitting in my office, I’ll suddenly have this out of body experience of wondering “Why am I here? Where do I belong?”

Thinking back on the last 10 years of my life. Back when I was 13 and constantly feeling a push to go forward. Now I just want to step back.

All of a sudden all the things I have accomplished and gone through in life will melt into these series of flashbacks. As epic as it sounds…

It makes me sad, nostalgic and lonely.

Lonely for the people who were there along the way; sad at the goodbyes to the people who came and went so suddenly, and then missing the ones that are still by my side though they are a thousand miles away.

Home isn’t a place…and yet it’s a place we are constantly longing for.

But until we get to Heaven, the longing will never cease. Can you imagine, being in a room full of faces you love and cherish? We get a taste of that every once in a while, but it brings tears to my eyes when I think how Heaven will never have loneliness, heartbreak or regrets. It will be full of those people who pointed you to Christ with how they loved you.

We see in a mirror dimly now, but when we get to Heaven, we will be fully known. We will see Christ face to face. That separation will no longer pine at us.

But today I will sit in my office and go through the motions of today, and constantly seek to do what God is calling me to be. Though my questions will sometimes raise to “why am I here? What am I doing?”, God has this amazing story for my life, and though I can only see through it dimly, and sometimes not at all when it is darkened with my confusion, grief and loneliness; I’ll trust His plans are far better than my own.

In The Quiet

D.C. is a place full of noise; ambition, and ladders to climb…

But there are certain places you find that make you remember that there is more than that when you find the quiet.

The Jefferson Memorial sits beside the basin of the Potomac, looking towards the Washington Monument that stands as a beacon in the city. It’s quiet there. Couples will sit on the steps and talk about their hopes and dreams…some of us will eat ice cream and talk for hours about what we want to be.

Behind the Lincoln Memorial, you will find a quiet spot to rest, as the crowds swarm inside to get a peak of Lincoln and his gigantic frame.

There are the places that go untouched…and one of those secluded places is Theodore Roosevelt’s Island. It sits on the Potomac, where you have to take a walking bridge to get to the inside. There, in the heart of the island, you will find Theodore Roosevelt, looming ahead with his arm raised.

Behind him, there is a series of quote on Youth.

“I want to see you game, boys, I want to see you brave and manly, and I also want to see you gentle and tender. (Address at Friends School, Washington, DC, May 24, 1907)  •  Be practical as well are generous in your ideals. Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground. (Speech at Prize Day Exercises at Groton School, Groton, MA, May 24 1904)  •  Courage, hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort are all essential to successful life. (America and the World War, 1915)  •  Alike for the nation and the individual, the one indispensable requisite is character. (American Ideals, 1897).”

At 42, Roosevelt became the youngest man to serve as president when McKinley was assassinated in 1901. He was a progressive, championing the Square Deal, and mediated the Treaty of Portsmouth to end the Russo-Japanese War, along with that he wanted to preserve our national resources with national parks, forests, and monuments. He remains one of the top five presidents in popularity.

Sitting in the middle of the island, those quotes ring out as a quiet reminder to those who can find the secluded spot, that the generation to come must be brave. We must have courage; hard work, self-mastery, and intelligent effort. We must have character as the heart of our nation turns some of us into the villains we despise and some of us into the heroes we never thought we could be.

When I read these quotes I feel a sense of urgency. My life hasn’t been easy, easier than some, but everyone experiences trials and hardships.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Teddy says courage. Courage to stand up when it counts. Courage to sit down and listen. Courage to take leaps when you are not sure what the outcome will be. Courage to place in yourself and others.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

The youth in us all dares to dream. But Teddy says to be mindful. Keep your feet planted in reality.

Work hard. Even when the going gets tough and you have to keep on. Sometimes their will seem to be no benefit to all the trying.

But keep going.

Teddy says to be a master of your own self. Not others.

He wants to see you have intelligent effort. He didn’t say to be smarter than everyone else. No one cares about how much you know until they see how much you care.

And add that all together…character is the indispensable requisite to life.

Don’t let the world steal you away; the ladder of ambition is ceaseless but the higher the fall.

Be kind. Be brave.

Step into adulthood with those qualities.

“A man’s usefulness depends upon his living up to his ideals in so far as he can. (A Letter to Dr. Sturgis Bigelow, March 29, 1898) •  It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. (The Strenuous Life, 1900) •  All daring and courage, all iron endurance of misfortune make for a finer and nobler type of manhood. (Address to Naval War College, June 2, 1897) •  Only those are fit to live who do not fear to die: and none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. (The Great Adventure, 1918).”

I use to wonder why the secluded monuments were the best. It’s because they are quiet and don’t hold as much people. You can sit and reflect.

There is a reason the water fountain in the center of the World War II Memorial is loud enough to drown out the noise of the people talking.

In the quiet we find what we need. We find understanding and empathy.

So if your on Teddy’s little island one of these days or in a secluded spot that no one really knows about in D.C.

Walk around.

Sit.

Listen.

You may find yourself some peace as you sit in the quiet.

Retweeting Myself

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DISCLAIMER: I have been off twitter for a year and I just recently downloaded the app back onto my phone. My original intention for staying off twitter has become very clear in rereading my juvenile tweets.  I have decided to reply to my younger self…and also pick up tweeting again. 

This was on a day in which I wanted to fall into solidarity and never leave my bed. I also had an unhealthy obsession with royalty and thought I would marry Prince Harry one day. Curse you Megan.

Haha, now you WISH you didn’t relate to them all at. FYI: I Have Questions by Camila Cabelo is such a depressingly great song. Also Hell No by Ingrid Michaelson.

Trudi, no. You deal with whatever it was in a healthy way. If you have learned anything in life, whatever you bury will inevitable resurface. I don’t even know what I was burying…it was probably something to do with my cats.

Literally the ONE time in the past four years that I watched the Today Show. Poor Katie, she probably was just nervous but some insignificant 21 year old decided to bash her on twitter to her 50 followers. I have impact people! (not really…).

Still relevant to this day. I’m one of those people that will inhale all the breadsticks from Olive Garden and just as we are about ready for the check, I’ll ask for another basket to take home.

This was the worst exam of my life. I had 75% of my final grade riding on this one exam. This was also the same week I had four finals every single day at 7AM…in snowy negative degree weather. I did pass the class though…barely.

I tweeted this because I had deleted my Snapchat account. Literally a couple weeks later I downloaded it again. So much for that self established importance.

Why did you feel the need to tweet this? I actually remember sitting there thinking about how my thighs basically expand massively when I sit down and how I was surprised I could fit in my seat still.

Still relevant…but I probably was melting down over a test. Not relevant anymore. Ha. ha. #graduated #adult #whyamiusinghashtags

Going to a big University has it’s perks, but it also was incredibly lonely. I remember during my breaks between classes, I would buy a snack in the library cafeteria and go sit in my car playing sad music and thinking how pathetic my life was.

Some things never change. Pumpkin Spice is life.

I just want to know what I was wearing…

Can’t stop pretending. But the sad part is I’m poorer now than I was then.

Well…he did get married. But not to me. I had to unfollow…it still hurts honestly.

And honestly…it just keeps getting more painful as the tweets gets older, so I’m going to just spare us both.

Self Love.

You’re not pretty, you’re ugly.

You have a double chin and a big nose.

You are not lovable.

You’re not funny.

You’re not smart.

You need to lose weight.

When I look in the mirror…

I think all of these things and more.

Even though I know that we are all created in God’s image. Even though I know that Jesus loves me. Even though I know that my perfectionism is unattainable.

I don’t love myself. I don’t think that I am good at anything. I have no confidence. My insecurities, self doubt, anxieties and sinful nature trail into my relationships with my family, friends and Jesus. It hurts me and it hurts others in the process.

There is a quote that says that you should be selfless but not think of your self less. I remember reading that quote one day and thinking how I seemed to mistake loving myself, and doing what is best for me, as a form of pride and selfishness. I remember reading this quote and thinking “Wow, I really am not selfless at all…or at least my form of selflessness is not healthy.”

It’s not.

If I have learned anything in the last six months, is that I can’t love others properly if I cannot love myself.

I use to think all those female celebrities were so generic. They always are telling you to love yourself and be authentically you, but I think there is something missing in that equation.

Jesus. Such a Sunday school answer. I know. If I were my authentic self, sin would take over. My default setting is to sin. By the world’s standards I am a “good” person…but good only can go so far.

If anyone knows me, they know that I will never boast about myself. If I do, it’s in a complete joking way.  In fact, if you give me a compliment, I won’t believe you. I used to think “Trudi, why don’t you believe a compliment?” but the truth was that all I could think was “if they only could see inside me…they would think differently”.

I could cry thinking of how I would and still tear myself down until there are figurative shreds of myself on the floor, giving people the capacity to stomp on me because I have no confidence.

I came to the realization that my searching for love and acceptance of myself has been me trying to love out my flaws (or look for other people to do so); an inward battle between me, myself and I, leaving me unsatisfied.

I was talking to my Mom one night about how I hated myself.

She referenced some video she saw on Facebook, and asked me to look at a picture of myself as a baby.

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She asked me to say all the things I was saying to myself in the mirror right now while looking at this picture.

“Trudi, you’re not pretty or cute. You’re not smart. You need to lose weight. You are not lovable…”

I did this one night. I found this picture my Mom posted on Facebook and started saying all the insecurities and self-hate I held for myself while looking at this picture.

The results: tears.

Because when I look at this picture, I see a sweet, innocent, little girl. A girl who would sing at the top of her lungs in the car. Who would go running outside to search for ladybugs and pick really pretty weeds. She would play in the sandbox for hours. She would ride her little tricycle on the pavement on a pretend road made out of chalk.

Little Trudi. You are so loved. You are so smart. If you only knew the hardships to come but also all that you would accomplish. It breaks my heart to know that the little heart in this photo has ever known suffering.

I sound like my Mom right now…

You know in the Bible it says multiple times to “love your neighbor as yourself”. But if you do not know how to love yourself, how can you love your neighbor?

So, that is what I’m learning. I’m not talking about self-love. I’m talking about TRUE self love. The loves that does not see my sins bigger than my virtues, but the redeemed kind. The kind of love that holds freedom; that doesn’t keep gazing inward, but outward toward Jesus Christ.

I encourage you to read this article here in order to understand what I am talking about (otherwise I’m just going to plagiarize the shhh out of it).

The question: Do I love myself enough? I am a broken human being. But if I loved myself enough, I would be able to accept Christ’s love for me. Oh how freeing it would be. Dear little Trudi (even though you are way older now, that little person in the picture above will always exist inside) come as you are.

As the article says, stop scraping together your self worth and piecing together your sinful self. Embrace Christ’s love for you and then you will truly hold self love.

I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On

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We don’t fully know nor understand something until we experience it for ourselves.

Not death; not heartbreak; not terminal diseases…not even something extremely anticlimactic like failing a class or hitting way below average on an exam score.

As John Keats once wrote “Nothing ever becomes real ’til it is experienced.” 

But as I’m sitting here in the car…watching the clouds sit peacefully in the sky, the words keep coming to me.

“I can’t go on. I’ll go on.”

Those words have been echoing in my head since I read them.

I can’t.

But I will.

Because I must.

Even though I may not be terminally ill, as my health seems to be thriving at the moment, this goes with every painful experience we face. To the terminally ill, to the depressed, to the anxiety, to the heartbreaks…we will go on. You will continue live.

As John 1:5 says, “the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” 

After reading When Breath Becomes Air, I decided to skim through Ecclesiastes again. Let me tell you, Solomon is one depressing guy.

“I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” – Ecclesiastes 1:14

Wisdom, pleasure, riches, folly, toil, and so forth are all meaningless. Solomon points us to find God-conscious joy (for more clarity I encourage you to read this article here),

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi is a beautiful and simplistic read full of raw truth.

Death is a final outcome of everything we accomplish in life. We don’t think about that though… as Paul Kalanithi said most of us live with a passivity toward it. A a neurosurgeon he actively engaged in it, consoling his patients into acceptance and rationality, but until he became a patient himself, he did not fully understand the pain in which suffering entails. He talks of his stages of grief in reverse, how he started from acceptance and moved to denial. Uncertain of how much time he had left; trying to grasp for the numbers. If he knew how much time, he would do things differently.

But as I sat in the car this afternoon, I thought of myself dying in a car crash that very second. Knowing that there is always a possible outcome of death, terminally ill or not, will I choose to live differently?

Even though Paul knew death was his fate, he refused to act as if he were dying. To choose to live and face the outcome we are all surely are going to face, that is a strength we will not know unless we experience it ourselves. As he said, even if he was dying, until he was dead, he still was living.

As Tim McGraw sings “lets live like we are dying..” why not live like we are living?

Having worked in the medical field myself for four years, I understood a sense of what Paul’s run in with terminal patients felt like. I understood the desensitized feelings. When his young doctor came in to check on him and was checking off the boxes. How many times did I do that when taking care of a patient? Many. Countless. So I could get onto the next one and clock out.

Human sympathy is a strange thing, the more it is pushed, the more apathetic we become, until we feel nothing at all.

Paul’s measure of what makes life worth living  is something to learn from. Even though his manuscript went unfinished, his final written words to his daughter are this:

“When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.” 

Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

 

 

Finding Joy in My Path

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“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

Today I had my last class ever at the University of Iowa. Next week, I will face finals and then I will graduate with my Bachelors in Political Science.

I’m looking at my cap and gown hanging on the wall as I write this. I’m thinking about seventeen when I graduated high school, and how fast those years went by…from community college, to becoming a certified nursing assistant, changing my major a million times, transferring to the University of Iowa, working on several campaigns, being an intern, traveling the country, and so much more.

It was a roller coaster, but I made it, and the changes to come are sweeping me away.

Away from Iowa. Away from the only place I have called home.

It’s strange how nothing changes and then everything changes all at once. Your heart tugs you different places and makes all these plans, but then God directs your steps, despite if it doesn’t make sense or it’s not what you want.

He is leading me down this path that is scary and excited at the same time and all I can do is trust Him and have patience.

I pray that I find joy in my path though.

Every decision I have made in life has been calculated, weighted, stressed over, reevaluated, back and forth, yes and no.
Don’t do this because it doesn’t make sense. Do this because it looks good. Make these decisions based on what people will think of you. Don’t do what you actually want to do because people will judge you.

Maybe it’s because I am always thinking about what others will think of me and I let let my fears and anxieties rule me, that I forget to trust Jesus…and to find joy in my path.

My path of life. My career path. My relationships.

I worry, over excessively. I make myself miserable to the point I cannot stand myself.

I woke up and I wasn’t seventeen anymore, starting college. I let these years past by stressing about money, trying to make all the right choices, working overtime while going to school full time.

I woke up at 22 realizing that I let it slip through my fingers. The joy I could have had in learning and thriving, but I didn’t. I let my joy slip through my fingers far too often. I stumped my growth to the point that when my senior year came around, I could not care less. I was tired and worn thin.

But now I’m graduating.

I don’t have all the answers in life, nor what the Lord has in store for me as I go on this new path. I just know that if I do not find joy along the way, no matter what path I’m on, I will be disheartened, miserable, and worn by the end.

So I’m trusting God as I walk this new path, that no matter what comes my way, I will face it with a spirit of grace, joy and, most importantly, peace.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4