Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

The Two Decade Roommate.

Now a month ago, I got rid of my acrylic paints and brushes that I had bought the same day I had taken out my first car loan. It was on a whim and I was 17 years old. I had high hopes of becoming an artist but lacked the talent, so alas! After almost 4 years of being cooped up in a box with my “stamp” collection (another failed attempt of me being “crafty”), I decided to say goodbye and blessed my Mom with a present of old textbooks, paints and brushes.

I’ve been feeling slightly sentimental of late, which is probably what has been stopping me from getting rid of more stuff that I have stowed away in boxes. All my old class notes, writings of mine (and Hope’s that I found on the wayside, meant for the trash can), and other sentimentalities, like a piece of a cracker jacks box and a rusty old penny, I keep hidden away. Sometimes I hate my memories and try desperately to forget something or some person existed, but I hold on for dear life to the insignificant and happy.

But then comes goodbye.

My roommate of 20 years is moving out. I caught myself looking forlornly across the room at her socks scattered on the floor and her messed up bed and chided myself.

She’s only moving how many minutes away.

I’m both happy and sad. Sad for me, happy for her. Happy for more space but scared to be alone. She’s my big sister, my best friend despite all that we have been through. I love her to pieces, and now goodbye is coming.

At times it felt like we would be stuck together forever. Now, no more fighting over who has to clean the bathroom. No more hounding you to clean up your side of the room and for heaven’s sake, throw your dirty socks in the laundry. No more spitefully dusting my half of the dresser and leaving your side untouched. No more inconsiderate moaning as I come in late from work or from a long night of studying. No more late night talks about life before we fall asleep. I remember when we were little and all the ridiculous bedtimes stories you would tell me. We would laugh and laugh….but somewhere down the road we stopped being so silly. Even though we still have our good times. Somewhere between graduation and college, we found different interests, jobs and friends. We wanted to stop living in each others shadows, I guess. Which is understandable, but still hard nonetheless. I remember how many times I thought I had been replaced as we grew up. It seemed at times that you were always too far gone for me to reach, that you never wanted to hang out with me because I was just your little sister. You would then go find other “sisters” who were the same age as me, yet somehow more mature in your eyes. I have to admit, at times I would be jealous…and cared way too much about what you were doing. But then one point came when I stopped living in comparison and stopped being jealous. I decided to be me, and let you be you.

But that just grew a wider gap between us.

But we always shared a room.

I could always count on you being there at the end of the day. We didn’t even have to talk or say one word to each other. There was just comfort in knowing that we couldn’t be entirely apart because our beds were only a few feet from each other.

But now there is nothing to keep us from growing apart. Now there will be more space for us both to stretch…but somehow I can’t quite picture room without you in it. How will it feel to come home and you not being there? I probably won’t notice at first. After all, we have gone a couple weeks apart. But after a month, and then the next…it will probably dawn on me that you really aren’t going to be my forever roommate, but that we will really did have a time limit and now I’m all alone with more space to put my things, but my heart will be overcrowded with lonesomeness.

Ah, look at me getting all sappy. It’s not like your moving a million miles away. Geez. Pull yourself together Trudi.

I’ll miss you Hope. I hope we grow closer and our sisterly love will only grow stronger. I just want you to know, contrary to your opinion, that I am impressed by you. I am so blessed to have you as my older sister. You may not like the first born status, but you’ve made my life easier by being so. You’ve showed me the ropes of college. You went through all the firsts and paved a path that I sometimes chose to follow. Heehee. Even a few week you helped me find dress pants for my internship (what can I say, the only pants I have are in scrub form). I love it that you’re my older sister and my friend. You don’t know how highly I think of you, and often you think of me as judging you, but that’s only because I have these unrealistic high expectations of you that I shouldn’t have I guess. But I’m always going to expect the best of you, because you are the best.

Hope…just know that I’m always here. I’m always praying for you. I’m always loving you. I’m always wishing the best for you. I’m always happy for you in all your accomplishments.

So now your side of the closet is getting empty. Your books are packed away. I’ll act all tough, but you may get a wailing phone call a couple nights later.

Remember your first roommate and how awesome she was. Because she sure is going to miss you.

Love you Hopie.

Your little sister (and best friend forever…literally, forever. FOR.EV.ER.)

My Skincare Obsession

When I became a CNA, I began to value the use of lotion. Due to the unbelievable amount of washing of hands and use of hand sanitizer, my hands would become dry, red and cracked. But I couldn’t stop washing my hands obviously and even hand sanitizer is a necessity when you don’t have time to run to a sink after answering one call light to the next. I realized the value of skincare because seeing the older generation that took care of their skin versus those who didn’t…there is a big difference.

So today I’m going to talk about my skincare routine and products I use everyday or every week if needed.

The product I’ve been using the longest is my Clinique 3-Step Facial Routine Dry Combination. It’s so simple and fast, and the reasons I love Clinique are because they are cheaper in the higher end department; no added fragrance that makes me get a headache (or gives anyone else a headache for that matter), and since my skin is dry, it’s just perfect. The facial soap goes a long way with one drop and I love how soft it makes my skin. The clarifying lotion is amazing and comes in such a big bottle that it’s usually the last product I run out of, and the lotion is a must for me! It’s usually the one I run out of first because two pumps 1-2 times a day doesn’t get very far with my dry skin.

I recently bought the Rinse-Off Foaming Cleanser by Clinique after using Cetaphil for a while but realized that it really didn’t contain anything else but Parabens. I thought it was working, but it was only clogging my pores, so I ended up pouring it down the drain. 10 dollars wasted. I don’t use the cleanser everyday, I usually only use it at night after a long and gross day at work or after I wear a full face of makeup (which is not very often) all day at school. I just add it with my normal skincare routine, but my 3-Step system is an everyday must. Plus, the cleanser, like the soap, last forever because you literally just need a dot of product!

Another facial product I bought about a while back is My Scheming Blackhead Acne Removal Carbon 3 Step Mask. I don’t use this very often, but I’m sure it would be more effective if I did. I really like this product though. It’s from Taiwan and I’m not sure of all the ingredients it holds, but it really does work (if you follow the three steps correctly!). I love pulling off the charcoal mask and seeing all the gross stuff coming out of my pores. it’s so freaking satisfying and my skin feels so clean…just thinking about it makes me want to go and use it right now.

The next step in my skin care routine is the most amazing body lotion ever. Honest Ultra Calming Lavender Body Lotion. I use it every night and it’s just a relaxing and moisturizing lotion that leaves my hands and arms feeling so soft! I can only find it in the baby section at Target, but it’s only in that section because it’s such a safe and gentle lotion.

I recently bought the SheaMoisture Superfruit Complex Hand and Body Scrub that I just love. I use it every week, if not a couple of times a week, and then put on my lavender lotion after. The only thing is that I might go with a different SheaMoisture Hand and Body Scrub due to the fruity scent the one I have holds. It’s okay because it’s all natural, but I like to have as much of a subtle smell as possible and it just draws too much attention sometimes.

Another rather random thing I do is I use the Elf Lip Exfoliator. It’s really cheap at like a couple dollar or so and it really does work. You just wipe it across your lips a couple of times and the sugar comes off the stick and smooths out your lips. After which I apply my EOS chapstick. I think though that I may try to make my own sugar lip scrub with sugar and honey seeing as the Lip Exfoliator isn’t much other then sugar on a stick, but I actually don’t have honey at the moment…so I’ll just stick with this 😉

Focus.

That word popped into my brain as I was driving into town for the what seemed like the fifteenth time today.

But more on that later.

You see, my computer died. After spending a good amount of two days trying to get it to work; restarting it and troubleshooting like it was my only goal in life (because at the time it was), after taking it into Geek Squad and having it miraculously work on the cold black countertop and having the dude look at me like I was crazy, I went back home to have the same grey folder and white screen blinking at me yet again. I called tech support at Apple, only to have them tell me the same things I already tried. Props to the guy I talked too though. At least I had a fun fifteen minute phone conversation despite not getting the problem solved. I was informed I should come work for Apple since I seem to be quite tech savvy.

Now, back to driving in the car.

So I decided to just take it into Geek Squad once again…hoping to God that it wouldn’t work once I sat it on the holy grail of black countertops. Kind of a weird thing to hope for but I was about ready to throw my computer out of the moving car. I was that fed up. Plus, I didn’t want to look like a crazy person again.

Focus.

After some deep soul searching and praying over my laptop for it to work, I came to the realization rather quickly that I’m not focusing on the right things in my life.

You wouldn’t think a MacBook Pro would drive a wedge between you and God but I tell ya, we had it out these past couple of days. Not only with the laptop situation but with other things in life that just haven’t been working out as I have hoped.

I realized that I need to focus on what’s important and maybe God took the ultimate time consumer in my life away for a reason. I very good reason.

So I could focus on the important parts of my life; the most important being Jesus.

God demands our attention. Months can go by with me getting too caught up in myself, until one day everything stops and I’m picking up the pieces, crying cause I just don’t understand why God can be so uncaring.

Silly.

I know.

It takes me a bit to realize how uncaring I am toward the One who cares so much for me. What right do I have to be angry at how unfair life is?

Is it really that bad?

I asked myself this question tonight as a few tears slowly drew a line down my cheeks.

Part of me wants to say yes while the other part of me wants to say no.

I isolate myself in pathetic solitude. I let my worries and doubts encompass my feelings. I don’t trust people and sadly…I’ve begun to not trust Jesus. I think my anxieties are high priority and everything that relates to personal gain. But maybe if I just stop.

Yes. Just stop for a moment and realize the goodness in my life.

To realize the goodness despite.

Despite. The key word in my intricate personal battle of feelings.

I know I can’t justify my feelings because they are just that…feelings.

To just stop and focus.

To stop focusing on myself so much.

Jesus does so much for me. He gives and He takes away. Not because He loves me less, but because He loves me so much and gave me a life that only I could handle. A life so small in retrospect when it’s compared to all the other lives being lived, but it’s mine nonetheless, and still just as important and worth living.

So, I am humbled. Will tomorrow come with another new set of struggles and lessons to learn? Of course. But if I just focus on Jesus and the goodness, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end obviously.

Okay, so my life lesson came in the form of a broken computer and hundreds of dollars worth of repair fees…and if that’s what it takes to bring me to my knees, then so be it.

A Single White Girl

I hate reading blogs about how to be single. I don’t like it when girls will post “Jesus is My Valentine” on Valentines Day or clog Pinterest with “How To Be Single 101”, “10 Fun Thing To Do While Your Single”, “Solo Date Ideas” and “Being Single Isn’t a Status, It Means Your Strong & Independent”.

It’s like, thanks for giving me a list. I’m glad to know there are 10 whole things a single person can do for fun. It just seems that single people, woman to be more specific, find a way to either embrace singleness with a sort of defiance like “SCREW MEN!” type of attitudes and then others are like kidding themselves by saying “Oh, prince charming will come for me eventually”.

He’s not coming on a white steed because 1) Princes don’t exist (they do, but come on, they usually come in the form of party boy Prince Harry) and 2) Your not a princess. Stop kidding yourself.

Also being single isn’t some kind of “choice”, it’s just a circumstance we women find ourselves in that we either can accept with grace and poise or we can eye every eligible man we encounter with some kind of barbaric insanity because we have been labeled “single and alone”.

I’m not saying I have never said those two lines above…I have. A lot actually because there is some kind of humorous sarcasm behind it that means “I’m saying this because it could or could not be true…HAHA. Just kidding…or am I?”

Let’s have a moment of silence and a few tears because this dude doesn’t exist in real life.

You know what annoys me? Is when all of your friends are single, but then that one friend gets a boyfriend and you never see them again, and all of their posts on social media are based on the sole fact that so-so is in a relationship and look at those ADORABLE pictures and quoting song lyrics that just fit their relationship PERFECTLY.

I guess this post isn’t helping to prove my point, because I am the average single white girl who wants a boyfriend but doesn’t have one.

I’m embracing my singleness, but I’m not going to say I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not going to say that if I wait long enough then he will just magically appear. Because like everything, you must give effort and to be honest, I’m not giving any effort right now. Why? Because there is sort of big thing called “time”. I’m a list person, and I’m not saying I can put “oh at so and so time I will get a boyfriend” because I know it doesn’t work like that.

I find saying “get a boyfriend” sounds shallow, it’s like “yep, going pick me one of those up at the store”. You know what? I’m just going to settle for a Tom-like attitude from Parks and Rec.

I’m single, but I am not alone.

YOU ARE AWESOME. Single, taken, waiting, being overly optimistic while waiting, or way to pessimistic. This Valentines Day eat those chocolates from yo Mom because she loves you and everyone else does and someday someone special will love you more then all those people combined.

Jesus isn’t your valentine, but He loves you way more then your Mom or future spouse. Don’t ever forget that.

Also, since it’s just another Valentines Day aka Singles Awareness Day.

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First Impressions.

It’s strange that I have lived in this area my entire life, but I suddenly feel like a stranger in the confines of downtown *insert city*. I’ve been a fan of my college football team since I was little. I’ve walked along these now not so familiar streets and felts fine up until now. I am carrying a backpack; I’m rushing from one class to the next. I’m a student of this large, intricate community called the University of *insert state* and I don’t know how I feel about it yet.

At my community college it wasn’t hard to fit into the small crevice I found myself in. It’s not hard now. Actually, it’s mostly the same. We still wait in the halls for class to start in silent nervousness. No one makes eye contact with each other on the streets. Class discussions are still forced rather then flowing. We are still just trying to get through these next couple years with as little damage to our grades as possibly. Yet…something feels different.

Maybe it’s just me.

Maybe my attitude has changed for the better. I realize that these last two years of college are extremely important.

Not because I need scholarships and good grades (all of which would be great to have) but because after this my future starts or stays the same.
I fear the word “same” and yet I still get nervous over the word “change” and fear the word “future” as much as I do the present. Because as much as I don’t like the present, I keep hoping toward this future that has something more then 8 hour shifts and working a job that doesn’t hold any of my interests except money.

As much as I love money, I realized quickly that money won’t make me happy, neither will my physical surroundings. It’s what’s inside that matters. What values I hold and what I believe in. How willing am I to live a life where I’m standing up for what is good instead of sitting down and staying silent?

The easiest is staying silent. That’s more comfortable, more safe. But I don’t want “comfortable”. I want to break out of this comfort zone that only goes a few feet out my front door.

These last two years are important because this is my time to build up my resume. To volunteers and get internships. I’m in the major, but that’s not enough. I have to pursue all of these things in order to proceed in the career path I’ve chosen.

I know I sound hopeful (maybe a little desperate). But let me tell you, I’m scared. But as much as I’m scared of this new school that I have grown up around my entire life…I want to succeed.

But first I have to try.

Where Is Greatness?

Where is greatness?
Is it in the words we speak? Is it in our occupations?
Then what is success?
Undefinable, that word is.
But where can I find satisfaction? When satisfaction cannot be found.
Is being content more important?
But how can we be content when we are unsatisfied?
Give me something, an answer or maybe a few strings to grasp onto.
You cannot measure greatness, nor can you find it.
It’s subjective.
What is great is what we see as great, there is no clear cut answer to what greatness looks like.
Or is there?
You can say this is undefinable and define success or greatness by who we are and what greatness is for ourselves, but then another person can go and say what is true is actually false and what is false is true.
So where can I find greatness?
See, it’s a tangled web we weave when we go and say a word is subjective because many say that love is love and whatever we define it as is what it is.
We can say faith is whatever you believe in but only one road leads to Heaven and many roads lead to hell, so saying that we can define what truth is…well, we can’t.
That’s the truth.
So where can I find greatness or success or satisfaction?
Look around, maybe you’ll see it.
It’s in a speech, in a tone, in a matter of seconds and takeoff.
It’s when the boundaries are broken and you don’t find yourself but you are found by someone else.
Then you’ll say that’s just luck.
But let me tell you, greatness is everywhere, we just turn a blind eye to it.
Success isn’t definable, I’ll be honest. But yet, maybe it is. I think we go through stages of success.
When we get that first car, that first job, graduate, get a better job.
It’s not a mile marker, “this-is-when-I -succeeded-and-completely-owned-life” type of moment in our lives, but merely a small achievement here and there set to the ultimate picture of success which might not be completed but nonetheless will be great.
Because that is what greatness is.
The act of trying.
And some might say the act of trying isn’t success unless trying leads to success because trying can lead to failure. But hear me out, trying is a form of greatness because in order to be great we must get up from our failures and begin the process of trying once again.
That my friend, is greatness. So maybe it’s definable, maybe it’s not. Maybe success is defined by the person.
Certain thing cannot be defined though, some have a clear cut answer, but people make it far more complicated then it really is, or make something subjective when it isn’t.
And maybe now you don’t understand me and maybe I’ll turn around and quietly walk away from this one sided conversation.

My Running Man Obsession

Here I go again. In all honesty, I was getting a little tired of writing about my life, trials and turmoil. As much as I love to talk serious, I really need to lighten the mood on this here little corner of mine. So what better way to do that with another obsession post?!

Who loves variety shows? No, no. Not the American variety shows. I’m talking about my favorite asian population, the Koreans! I’m a die hard American, don’t get me wrong. But when it comes to entertainment, I can’t help but go to my favorite variety show of all time…*dundundun* Running Man!!! For some good, clean laughter.

Where do I begin?

The format of the show is seven members taking part in a series of missions to become the winner of the race, sometimes paired into teams and with special celebrity guests. The most notable mission played on the show is the name tag elimination game, in which each member and guest has a name tag on their back which can be torn off by the chaser(s). But it’s not just the games that make it fun to watch, it’s the members and the guests interacting with each other.

So here is some of the very many reasons why you should be as obsessed with this show as I am (well, I don’t know if you can reach my level of obsession but you can certainly try).

#1. Monday Couple

The first time Monday Couple was introduced was in episode 10 and the writers just kept going with it from then onwards. Even though Monday Couple has been put on the back burner in recent episodes, you can always count on Kang Gary to make an embarrassing comment or two toward Ji Hyo.

#2. The Betrayers Club

If these three (Kwang Soo, Haha, & Suk Jin) aren’t betraying the other cast members together, they usually are betraying alone. Episode 146 was long in coming.

#3. Giraffe/Framer Kwang-soo/Prince of Asia

This is from episode 141, but you can always count of Kwang-soo to do something outrageously stupid and hilarious in each episode.

#4. Peaceful Gary/Random Mr. Capable/Sudden Commander

I’m just going to leave that up there.

#5. Running Man Olympics

All of the Running Man Olympic specials are the best. You get to see all the idols battling it out against the cast members on various missions with a lot of hilarity in the mix. Episodes 104, 129, 175, 184 are all of the Olympic episodes that I know of.

#6. When THIS episode happened…

#7. I can’t forget to mention the first episode I ever watched.

Episode 120 with Lee Seung Gi. It was purely accidental…I was going through a Lee Seung Gi obsession after watching King 2 Hearts (best drama ever by the way!), and came across this gem.

#8. The Easy Brothers

So yeah, basically, I really like Running Man. It’s one of those shows that’s an instant cheer up after a bad day 🙂 Although there are many other reasons to watch and love this variety show, these are just a few reasons to make you curious 😉 I realize that I left out some very important cast members, but I’ll let you discover them on your own. Some other episodes I recommend: Episode 18 (Titanic Love Boat), episode 28 (Workout Karaoke), episode 137 (The Princesses & The Fools), episode 140 (The Rage Virus), episode 242 (Running Man Worldwide), and of course all the other episodes are funny as well!

Look forward to more obsessions posts to come!

Oh, and just another thing *cough* this board right here is preeeeeeetttty cool (made by yours truly. HEY, it took FOREVER to find all those pins) –> Korean Obsession

~ Trudi

le libre arbitre

Life comes in perspective every time a tragedy like the one seen in Paris happens. My memory becomes a bit hazy when it comes to 9/11…seeing as I was only 5 when it happened, but I still remember the cold hand of fear grasping at me. It comes over me right now…but it’s matured enough to not send me into a flood of hysteric tears. I don’t feel safe tonight. I don’t feel safe in the United States, nor anywhere else in the world…not even in my own little awkward corner, where most of the events that shake my little world are bad grades, indecisions and college tuition. How pointless are those things? When Paris was suppose to be safe, but it’s not anymore. Paris is suppose to be the city of romance and champagne, but instead of champagne there is blood spilled on the cobbled stone streets.

For what? It’s nonsensical, and it never will be make sense.

Many scholars speak of the problem of evil and try to find an answer to it. Tony Judt worried how we as a people will become desensitized to evil over the course of time; like the Holocaust and when the generation who remembered are no longer in existence, and the those who only read about it in history textbooks are left, we are distend to repeat history. We must ask how a human can mercilessly kill another helpless human being. The problem of evil is how to reconcile its existence with that of a God who is all loving and all good.

As Christians we look at the Bible and see the very beginning: God created the world and everything in it, including the first man and woman, Adam and Eve. He created the Garden of Eden and also the tree of good and evil. How can God, who is not evil, allow evil to exist? God could have made a world where evil didn’t exist, but then as Billy Graham puts it “it would have been one of robots and puppets–creatures that could not love Him or anyone else.” In order to love, we must have the freedom to so do. In order to be good, we must be morally free. In order to choose God, we must have the free will to make that choice.

“I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things” – Isaiah 45:7

God created evil for a purpose, and in the end it will bring Him glory in that of His plan of salvation. Jesus was glorified in His death and in His resurrection, and will be again in His second coming. God is the Author of our salvation and in Him we have hope for eternity in Heaven. But He demands to be chosen and that is why He gave us the freedom to choose.

“God created things which had free will. That means creatures which can go wrong or right. Some people think they can imagine a creature which was free but had no possibility of going wrong, but I can’t. If a thing is free to be good it’s also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata -of creatures that worked like machines- would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that they’ve got to be free.
Of course God knew what would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently, He thought it worth the risk. (…) If God thinks this state of war in the universe a price worth paying for free will -that is, for making a real world in which creatures can do real good or harm and something of real importance can happen, instead of a toy world which only moves when He pulls the strings- then we may take it it is worth paying.” – C.S. Lewis, The Case for Christianity

I love how C.S Lewis states that God thought our free will worth the risk of going right or wrong. Because it makes our redemption so much sweeter and glorifying to Him.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

“You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.” – Job 11:18

Tonight we pray for Paris, for the families of the victims and the state as a whole, and all the other countries effected by this evil.

“It is not by strength that one prevails; those who oppose the Lord will be broken. The Most High will thunder from heaven; the Lord will judge the ends of the earth.” – 1 Samuel 2:10

20.

It’s kind of strange. Just a little…maybe a lot. When you get to the age of thirteen you feel old and “mature” (whatever that word means anymore). You think your teen years are going to be the ones you remember the most; they are the “glory days” I suppose of ones life.

I’m closing out the second decade of my life, and my teen years, and all I can think is that this really isn’t a big deal. It’s just another day. It’s just another year to put in the book called life and start a new chapter called twenty.

When nineteen started, I really just wanted to enjoy my last year as a “teen”, but I came to the conclusion, not far into my nineteenth year, that my teenage years were far behind me.

When I think of twenty, I think it sounds cruel. I don’t like getting older, but then again, it’s a privilege that many are denied…and maybe, I should be more thankful and happy for the start of another year.

I should embrace it and be joyful instead of being in this depressed sort of state.

Every year I look on without expectation; I know it holds a lot of good and a lot of bad…but mostly Jesus, and a lot of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Because if I learned anything from nineteen, it’s that I need Jesus and all of His care more then anything or anyone else.

And sometimes I forget that I am loved, forgiven and safe in His arms. You forget that too, don’t you? We overthink; we see too many of our flaws; we question every life decision ever made; we forget to swallow are pride before we take a fall, and we don’t realize that we must think of ourselves less not less of ourselves.

That was me in nineteen and I realized, that tomorrow, when I’m twenty…I’ll still be the same. Because after two decades, I’m still me. A birthday isn’t going to change that, neither will a year, or a decade.

So tomorrow is twenty. God, thank You for the privilege of getting older.

I hope that the next year I will show more compassion, love, forgiveness and grace like You. Help me to become more of a reflection of You with each passing day. Help me to swallow my pride and anger when it comes to the surface. Help my heart dear Jesus, to not get caught on things, places or people that will not satisfy it.

I’m not going to ask for twenty to be my best year yet. But I will ask this…

To have twenty be what twenty is meant to be for me.

But I can’t forget that while I’m starting a new year called twenty, I am also saying goodbye to nineteen, and boy, what a year it has been. Thank You Jesus, for all the gifts of friendship You have given me this year that I know will last a lifetime. Thank You. I can’t say it enough, but I’ll say it again, THANK YOU.

Nineteen ended up being exactly what it was meant to be just like every other year. The tears and heartaches to the love and warm embraces. If I can take anything away from nineteen is that I truly have a life that is well beyond what I deserve, and Jesus, Thank You.

Love,

Trudi