Finding Joy in My Path

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

Today I had my last class ever at the University of Iowa. Next week, I will face finals and then I will graduate with my Bachelors in Political Science.

I’m looking at my cap and gown hanging on the wall as I write this. I’m thinking about seventeen when I graduated high school, and how fast those years went by…from community college, to becoming a certified nursing assistant, changing my major a million times, transferring to the University of Iowa, working on several campaigns, being an intern, traveling the country, and so much more.

It was a roller coaster, but I made it, and the changes to come are sweeping me away.

Away from Iowa. Away from the only place I have called home.

It’s strange how nothing changes and then everything changes all at once. Your heart tugs you different places and makes all these plans, but then God directs your steps, despite if it doesn’t make sense or it’s not what you want.

He is leading me down this path that is scary and excited at the same time and all I can do is trust Him and have patience.

I pray that I find joy in my path though.

Every decision I have made in life has been calculated, weighted, stressed over, reevaluated, back and forth, yes and no.
Don’t do this because it doesn’t make sense. Do this because it looks good. Make these decisions based on what people will think of you. Don’t do what you actually want to do because people will judge you.

Maybe it’s because I am always thinking about what others will think of me and I let let my fears and anxieties rule me, that I forget to trust Jesus…and to find joy in my path.

My path of life. My career path. My relationships.

I worry, over excessively. I make myself miserable to the point I cannot stand myself.

I woke up and I wasn’t seventeen anymore, starting college. I let these years past by stressing about money, trying to make all the right choices, working overtime while going to school full time.

I woke up at 22 realizing that I let it slip through my fingers. The joy I could have had in learning and thriving, but I didn’t. I let my joy slip through my fingers far too often. I stumped my growth to the point that when my senior year came around, I could not care less. I was tired and worn thin.

But now I’m graduating.

I don’t have all the answers in life, nor what the Lord has in store for me as I go on this new path. I just know that if I do not find joy along the way, no matter what path I’m on, I will be disheartened, miserable, and worn by the end.

So I’m trusting God as I walk this new path, that no matter what comes my way, I will face it with a spirit of grace, joy and, most importantly, peace.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

Afraid.

I was talking one night, talking about my future plans and how much I hate my job. I was talking about past relationships and how I can’t find anyone that I am comfortable with. I talked about being a senior in college and how uncertain everything is. I talked about my internship opportunity in D.C. and how I don’t know what I am doing…and that I’m scared.

I guess it took long enough to admit.

But I’m afraid of most things. I just put on a brave face and sassy attitude and act like the female-version of Rhett Butler and how I “frankly don’t give a dam”. But then I am Scarlett, walking away from it all and saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow”.

Stalling and not caring…or at least, saying I don’t care.

That’s me.

Today though, I looked around at all the things that I have grown comfortable with. Like driving. At first the road into town was scary and uncertain because I just didn’t have enough experience at the wheel. Now I can drive long distances without fear and I have confidence in my ability but also I trust Jesus that He will get me from one point to the next safely.

Just like in life. If only I could take that trust and transfer it to every situation I am in.

My college career will either be over after December, or I will go on to graduate school. My internship in D.C. will work out with ease or it will be rocky and not work out at all. I’ll either be single till tomorrow or I won’t get married till I’m thirty…or not at all. My job has an expiration date but it could be longer than I anticipate.

And even then, what job lays ahead? The future. It scares me.

But oddly enough I woke up yesterday not feeling scared anymore. I looked up and applied for housing around the D.C. area. I bought some more clothes for my internship. I scheduled some appointments.

It’s the waiting that gets me.

Waiting for the future. Because the longer I wait the more anxious I become and the more fearful I get.

And I need a heart of patience. I need a heart for a lot of things. To show more kindness and love. To be more frugal with my time and assets.

But let me get back to patience. I realize that I am going off on a lot of things from being afraid to confidence to patience. Hopefully it all comes full circle so I can tie it up in a nice little package for my readers (if I have any, let’s be honest, my reach toward stardom hasn’t gotten very far since I started this WordPress four long years ago).

I find myself checking my email like a crazy person because I am expecting some important emails to come through. When I was on a *cough* messaging app, I was constantly checking my phone hoping for some more messages and possibly “the one” to message me. Even during midterms, I was just trying to go through the motions and wishing it all to be over quick.

I’m in such a rush. A rush to find “the one”; a rush to get through college; a rush to figure out all my future plans. A rush to get through a work weekend because I don’t like my job.

Always rushing. It’s so tiring.

Because no matter how hard I try, nothing gets happens because it’s not in my control. I did my part. I am doing my part. It’s the other side that I am waiting on.

So there. I am afraid of uncertainty and don’t have the patience to wait on Jesus’ perfect timing.

The Bible talks about patience so much…

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

Galatians 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

And yet, I don’t take my time reading and studying it and pondering these things in my heart.

It’s so simple yet so hard. To just run to Jesus into His open arms and let my anxieties and fears go. To be completely joyfully patient, knowing that His timing is perfect, and even when disappointment hits my shoreline, to still have peace.

It’s A Wonderful Life

I’m sorry for my absence these past couple of months. So much as happened since my last entry that I honestly don’t know where I should begin. At this moment, I am recuperating from all the exams I had to take during Finals Week, and now I am looking forward to a few weeks off that I know will go by far to quickly, and working to supply the funds for my classy lifestyle (note the sarcasm please) and just resting.

This entire year has been a crash course honestly and it’s left me in a state of tiredness that I have never known before. My anxiety has reached its peak. My comfort zone has been stretched and worn thin. I’ve tried so hard, faced my own failures, and looked at all my shortcomings and felt my confidence dwindle to nothing.

But my God, have I grown. Grown and yet still in need of so much more growing. I’ve taken root in my surroundings; invested in people; I have learned to care; to love deeper, and try harder. Because as long as I tried; put forth the effort and put myself out there…that was success in itself. The simple act of trying.

I wait on the cuffs of expectation for the next year, whispering “it will be better” but the fact is, the situations don’t make me, but how I handle them. So maybe instead I’ll work on myself, shouting “I will be better!” instead of waiting for the daunting “it” to change.

This coming year is going to be full of the same old relentless trying with an innumerable amount of inner pep talks; trying to talk myself out of how I feel because how I feel is not always fact and sometimes, most of the time, it holds me back, because I like my corner, as awkward as it is, it is quite comfortable. But I don’t want to be live the comfortable life as uncomfortable as it is breaking out of my comfort zone (if that makes sense).

This year I’m going to be more confident, and if that means faking confidence, then so be it. Maybe I’ll acquire the real thing along the way. I’m not going to let the fear hold me back anymore because I’m always going to be scared. I’m going to learn to love myself despite the tendency to see all my flaws and belittle myself. Because you can’t love others half as well if you don’t know how to love and care for your own self first. Along the way, I’m going to learn how to be selfless and more giving of my time and assets to others and work on making the relationships I have stronger.

Most importantly, grow closer to Jesus. Because honestly, if I just grow closer to Him, everything else will fall into place. I’ll have more confidence and more love to give because HE makes me better, stronger and more willing.

I’m on a journey of self betterment and my heart is yearning for adventure. I’m excited but I have no expectations. Because 365 days are wrapped up in a year. That’s a lot of hours/minutes/seconds to go through. My tendency to trace out my life plans with an innumerable amount of sticky notes on my desk makes me more anxious than prepared. If I just step away and put Jesus first where He rightly deserves to be, than my plans make more sense and I have a more sure step into the future.

The end of 2017 will spring me into another unknown world but I’m going to focus on the two semesters and one summer I have left of being a college student because it’s exciting. It’s not going to be all excitement but for the most part, it’s going to be a great year despite everything that may happen. You want to know why? Because I got butterflies and goosebumps and that could be a good or bad thing but it’s okay.

Because my philosophy is simple: if it scares you, if you feel butterflies, go for it and if it doesn’t work out, let yourself be disappointed because it’s okay to be disappointed, but then move on and try for something better, because it’s all in God’s plan.

2017 is my senior year and I’m ready.

2016, you were a bunch of things wrapped into one. But you held so much more than I ever could have imagined.

As I seem to look at life with a George Bailey perspective.

“I’m shakin’ the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I’m gonna see the world”

Someday I will. But at this moment it’s home. But my God I am loved. It’s lovely to be loved by people who know you at your worst and see you at your best. Who find joy in your joy and comfort you when you fail.

Thank you Jesus, for this truly wonderful life you have given me.

“No man is a failure who has friends”

The Two Decade Roommate.

Now a month ago, I got rid of my acrylic paints and brushes that I had bought the same day I had taken out my first car loan. It was on a whim and I was 17 years old. I had high hopes of becoming an artist but lacked the talent, so alas! After almost 4 years of being cooped up in a box with my “stamp” collection (another failed attempt of me being “crafty”), I decided to say goodbye and blessed my Mom with a present of old textbooks, paints and brushes.

I’ve been feeling slightly sentimental of late, which is probably what has been stopping me from getting rid of more stuff that I have stowed away in boxes. All my old class notes, writings of mine (and Hope’s that I found on the wayside, meant for the trash can), and other sentimentalities, like a piece of a cracker jacks box and a rusty old penny, I keep hidden away. Sometimes I hate my memories and try desperately to forget something or some person existed, but I hold on for dear life to the insignificant and happy.

But then comes goodbye.

My roommate of 20 years is moving out. I caught myself looking forlornly across the room at her socks scattered on the floor and her messed up bed and chided myself.

She’s only moving how many minutes away.

I’m both happy and sad. Sad for me, happy for her. Happy for more space but scared to be alone. She’s my big sister, my best friend despite all that we have been through. I love her to pieces, and now goodbye is coming.

At times it felt like we would be stuck together forever. Now, no more fighting over who has to clean the bathroom. No more hounding you to clean up your side of the room and for heaven’s sake, throw your dirty socks in the laundry. No more spitefully dusting my half of the dresser and leaving your side untouched. No more inconsiderate moaning as I come in late from work or from a long night of studying. No more late night talks about life before we fall asleep. I remember when we were little and all the ridiculous bedtimes stories you would tell me. We would laugh and laugh….but somewhere down the road we stopped being so silly. Even though we still have our good times. Somewhere between graduation and college, we found different interests, jobs and friends. We wanted to stop living in each others shadows, I guess. Which is understandable, but still hard nonetheless. I remember how many times I thought I had been replaced as we grew up. It seemed at times that you were always too far gone for me to reach, that you never wanted to hang out with me because I was just your little sister. You would then go find other “sisters” who were the same age as me, yet somehow more mature in your eyes. I have to admit, at times I would be jealous…and cared way too much about what you were doing. But then one point came when I stopped living in comparison and stopped being jealous. I decided to be me, and let you be you.

But that just grew a wider gap between us.

But we always shared a room.

I could always count on you being there at the end of the day. We didn’t even have to talk or say one word to each other. There was just comfort in knowing that we couldn’t be entirely apart because our beds were only a few feet from each other.

But now there is nothing to keep us from growing apart. Now there will be more space for us both to stretch…but somehow I can’t quite picture room without you in it. How will it feel to come home and you not being there? I probably won’t notice at first. After all, we have gone a couple weeks apart. But after a month, and then the next…it will probably dawn on me that you really aren’t going to be my forever roommate, but that we will really did have a time limit and now I’m all alone with more space to put my things, but my heart will be overcrowded with lonesomeness.

Ah, look at me getting all sappy. It’s not like your moving a million miles away. Geez. Pull yourself together Trudi.

I’ll miss you Hope. I hope we grow closer and our sisterly love will only grow stronger. I just want you to know, contrary to your opinion, that I am impressed by you. I am so blessed to have you as my older sister. You may not like the first born status, but you’ve made my life easier by being so. You’ve showed me the ropes of college. You went through all the firsts and paved a path that I sometimes chose to follow. Heehee. Even a few week you helped me find dress pants for my internship (what can I say, the only pants I have are in scrub form). I love it that you’re my older sister and my friend. You don’t know how highly I think of you, and often you think of me as judging you, but that’s only because I have these unrealistic high expectations of you that I shouldn’t have I guess. But I’m always going to expect the best of you, because you are the best.

Hope…just know that I’m always here. I’m always praying for you. I’m always loving you. I’m always wishing the best for you. I’m always happy for you in all your accomplishments.

So now your side of the closet is getting empty. Your books are packed away. I’ll act all tough, but you may get a wailing phone call a couple nights later.

Remember your first roommate and how awesome she was. Because she sure is going to miss you.

Love you Hopie.

Your little sister (and best friend forever…literally, forever. FOR.EV.ER.)

My Heart

I just want to be honest. I realize that admitting to my imperfections won’t make me a better person. I realize that saying “I’m only human” is kind of a lame excuse as well. I am human. I am Trudi. One of a kind, but not my own. I am a child of God, a sinner saved by grace in need of constant forgiveness by a constant forgiver. Jesus.

I know it is a Sunday school answer. But it is the truth. Jesus is the answer to every struggling, fearing, anxious heart. It doesn’t mean the life of being a Christian is easy. In fact, the simplicity of loving Jesus and giving it all over to Him is complicated because we make it complicated.

Because we are humans. We are so set on making simple answer complex, but it’s actually really easy and it’s okay that the answer is easy. It doesn’t make the process easier. It doesn’t make believing it easier. It just means we know the answer to all our wants and needs in this life is easy but do we live the answer as if we believe that Jesus is truly the answer to our problems?

No. We don’t.

I am going to lay out a piece of my heart right now that I hope won’t be trampled on. I am going to admit one of my many worldly struggles.

Makeup.

Self worth.

Wanting to appear as something I’m not.

Wanting to appear perfect to others.

I realized that every time I bought more makeup, my heart was instantaneously happy. I always had trouble with my outward appearance and how I appeared to others, that this instant gratification with makeup (as well as clothing) made me feel better about myself.

But it didn’t make me a different person.

I can put on all the fine clothes and as much makeup as my heart desired. I could cover up the dark circles under my eyes, but my tired heart still showed through. Deep inside I am the person I don’t like and it’s harder to change the person inside then it is outward.

That was when I realized it was a heart issue. My heart longs for perfection, but there is no perfection outside of Christ and His love for us. I idealize how I wish to look, or how I wish to appear to others as an all together well rounded and “I have everything figured out with my life” type of person but the truth is, I could list a million things that went wrong with my heart today and my time.

But I’m not going to do that.

Because I’m not pointing my imperfections out to make me seem like a humble person. I’m not humble. I’m selfish. I can go on and say that everything is okay because Jesus loves me and I love Him, but you and I both know that the struggle is still there. The constant choice to love Him or love myself.

Or put others before Him simply because I care more about what other people think then Jesus.

Oh, but now that I’ve realized this, everything is okay now and tomorrow Jesus will be put first in everything that I do.

Wrong. Because I know tomorrow my imperfect heart will lead me astray.

But thankfully, Jesus saved, saves and will always save.

So, I’m done covering up my heart with the metaphorical makeup that washes away. Jesus is permanent in this temporary existence to eternity. He is and will always be.

Focus.

That word popped into my brain as I was driving into town for the what seemed like the fifteenth time today.

But more on that later.

You see, my computer died. After spending a good amount of two days trying to get it to work; restarting it and troubleshooting like it was my only goal in life (because at the time it was), after taking it into Geek Squad and having it miraculously work on the cold black countertop and having the dude look at me like I was crazy, I went back home to have the same grey folder and white screen blinking at me yet again. I called tech support at Apple, only to have them tell me the same things I already tried. Props to the guy I talked too though. At least I had a fun fifteen minute phone conversation despite not getting the problem solved. I was informed I should come work for Apple since I seem to be quite tech savvy.

Now, back to driving in the car.

So I decided to just take it into Geek Squad once again…hoping to God that it wouldn’t work once I sat it on the holy grail of black countertops. Kind of a weird thing to hope for but I was about ready to throw my computer out of the moving car. I was that fed up. Plus, I didn’t want to look like a crazy person again.

Focus.

After some deep soul searching and praying over my laptop for it to work, I came to the realization rather quickly that I’m not focusing on the right things in my life.

You wouldn’t think a MacBook Pro would drive a wedge between you and God but I tell ya, we had it out these past couple of days. Not only with the laptop situation but with other things in life that just haven’t been working out as I have hoped.

I realized that I need to focus on what’s important and maybe God took the ultimate time consumer in my life away for a reason. I very good reason.

So I could focus on the important parts of my life; the most important being Jesus.

God demands our attention. Months can go by with me getting too caught up in myself, until one day everything stops and I’m picking up the pieces, crying cause I just don’t understand why God can be so uncaring.

Silly.

I know.

It takes me a bit to realize how uncaring I am toward the One who cares so much for me. What right do I have to be angry at how unfair life is?

Is it really that bad?

I asked myself this question tonight as a few tears slowly drew a line down my cheeks.

Part of me wants to say yes while the other part of me wants to say no.

I isolate myself in pathetic solitude. I let my worries and doubts encompass my feelings. I don’t trust people and sadly…I’ve begun to not trust Jesus. I think my anxieties are high priority and everything that relates to personal gain. But maybe if I just stop.

Yes. Just stop for a moment and realize the goodness in my life.

To realize the goodness despite.

Despite. The key word in my intricate personal battle of feelings.

I know I can’t justify my feelings because they are just that…feelings.

To just stop and focus.

To stop focusing on myself so much.

Jesus does so much for me. He gives and He takes away. Not because He loves me less, but because He loves me so much and gave me a life that only I could handle. A life so small in retrospect when it’s compared to all the other lives being lived, but it’s mine nonetheless, and still just as important and worth living.

So, I am humbled. Will tomorrow come with another new set of struggles and lessons to learn? Of course. But if I just focus on Jesus and the goodness, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end obviously.

Okay, so my life lesson came in the form of a broken computer and hundreds of dollars worth of repair fees…and if that’s what it takes to bring me to my knees, then so be it.

A New Year

Happy New Year!

I was sitting at my desk on New Year’s Eve thinking about what to write…but all that came out was an emotional spilling that just made me feel sorry and discontent.

Now that we have crossed the threshold into 2016 and my mind isn’t bubbling with nostalgia, I’m going to just sit here for a little bit and try to figure out what I can say that hasn’t already been said on this dear little corner of mine.

To be honest, because I usually am…2016 looks pretty much the same as 2015. There are still things to accomplish and fears to face, but maybe I can have a stronger, more sure step this year then in 2015.

By all means, I’m 20 years old now. Maybe I will give you some wise insight from this unwise mind of mine and tell you what I have learned over the past year.

The first thing is that I have grown. Not in height sadly, but in maturity…although even that doesn’t look like much sometimes. I’ve learned to let go of things and people that at the time I thought I could never let go of. I’ve learned to say no but also yes…I can’t tell you which is the scariest to say. I’ve also learned to ask for help when needed…and that is probably the hardest thing for me to do. I’ve made friends that will last a lifetime, met new people; gone new places & revisited the familiar.

And even with all the bad…I can say that it was a good year and I really do have a wonderful life.

But you see, my year of change really didn’t happen. I found that this “threshold” I talked about in my last New Year post wasn’t really a threshold, but a barrier. A barrier that still needs to be overcome, that sometimes I can break through, but inevitably comes back up again.

That barrier is me and circumstance. It’s a constant battle. I talk all big about opportunity and change, but when the moment arrives for this said change and opportunity to happen, I get scared. My social anxiety gets the better of me. I make up every excuse in the book. I run and hide because that is my instinct. And I realize this. But it doesn’t make it easier to breakdown my barrier. Not even the changing of the year will make a difference because it’s what inside me…not in the year.

Tomorrow I will still be the same. The difference is what 365 days will bring until we are back here again, reminiscing about the bulk of it all, compacted into 2016.

But I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t want to measure by the length of days, but by how deep the day is. I want my accomplishments and activities to have more meaning then how many. If you understand what I am saying. The thing is, as much as I have grown in 2015, one never stops growing. My maturity level probably went up a few centimeters, but it still has a long ways to go. These barriers, probably will be my struggle for the rest of my life. Whether that be my anxiety or stress…or whatever emotional or physical state I go up against. But I can rest easy for I have the ultimate force on my side that will never leave me. My faith. My Jesus. My Savior. It all comes down to Him. No matter what this life has in store, when the act of trying doesn’t seem good enough; when my heart feels worn and heavy, can I not give it all to Him? My prayers, my praise, everything that I do. I know it’s easier to say, that when it comes down to it, how many moments of the day do I forget Him in the middle of call lights, bubble sheets, early mornings and frost bitten cheeks? My grumbling heart never ceases to be discontent, but His love is steadfast…and how underserving I am of it!

This morning I heard something on the radio that caused me to think, and pardon my paraphrasing (it might not be correct). The radio announcer said something along the lines that life is full of good opportunities but that doesn’t mean those opportunities are guaranteed good outcomes. So maybe that is my lesson to go forth into this new year that is already four days old. Life isn’t fair, it holds lots of opportunities to go out and chase, but there is no guarantee that the outcomes will go in my favor. The only guarantee in this life is Jesus and what’s in store of us in Heaven.

~ Trudi

le libre arbitre

Life comes in perspective every time a tragedy like the one seen in Paris happens. My memory becomes a bit hazy when it comes to 9/11…seeing as I was only 5 when it happened, but I still remember the cold hand of fear grasping at me. It comes over me right now…but it’s matured enough to not send me into a flood of hysteric tears. I don’t feel safe tonight. I don’t feel safe in the United States, nor anywhere else in the world…not even in my own little awkward corner, where most of the events that shake my little world are bad grades, indecisions and college tuition. How pointless are those things? When Paris was suppose to be safe, but it’s not anymore. Paris is suppose to be the city of romance and champagne, but instead of champagne there is blood spilled on the cobbled stone streets.

For what? It’s nonsensical, and it never will be make sense.

Many scholars speak of the problem of evil and try to find an answer to it. Tony Judt worried how we as a people will become desensitized to evil over the course of time; like the Holocaust and when the generation who remembered are no longer in existence, and the those who only read about it in history textbooks are left, we are distend to repeat history. We must ask how a human can mercilessly kill another helpless human being. The problem of evil is how to reconcile its existence with that of a God who is all loving and all good.

As Christians we look at the Bible and see the very beginning: God created the world and everything in it, including the first man and woman, Adam and Eve. He created the Garden of Eden and also the tree of good and evil. How can God, who is not evil, allow evil to exist? God could have made a world where evil didn’t exist, but then as Billy Graham puts it “it would have been one of robots and puppets–creatures that could not love Him or anyone else.” In order to love, we must have the freedom to so do. In order to be good, we must be morally free. In order to choose God, we must have the free will to make that choice.

“I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things” – Isaiah 45:7

God created evil for a purpose, and in the end it will bring Him glory in that of His plan of salvation. Jesus was glorified in His death and in His resurrection, and will be again in His second coming. God is the Author of our salvation and in Him we have hope for eternity in Heaven. But He demands to be chosen and that is why He gave us the freedom to choose.

“God created things which had free will. That means creatures which can go wrong or right. Some people think they can imagine a creature which was free but had no possibility of going wrong, but I can’t. If a thing is free to be good it’s also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata -of creatures that worked like machines- would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that they’ve got to be free.
Of course God knew what would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently, He thought it worth the risk. (…) If God thinks this state of war in the universe a price worth paying for free will -that is, for making a real world in which creatures can do real good or harm and something of real importance can happen, instead of a toy world which only moves when He pulls the strings- then we may take it it is worth paying.” – C.S. Lewis, The Case for Christianity

I love how C.S Lewis states that God thought our free will worth the risk of going right or wrong. Because it makes our redemption so much sweeter and glorifying to Him.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

“You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.” – Job 11:18

Tonight we pray for Paris, for the families of the victims and the state as a whole, and all the other countries effected by this evil.

“It is not by strength that one prevails; those who oppose the Lord will be broken. The Most High will thunder from heaven; the Lord will judge the ends of the earth.” – 1 Samuel 2:10

20.

It’s kind of strange. Just a little…maybe a lot. When you get to the age of thirteen you feel old and “mature” (whatever that word means anymore). You think your teen years are going to be the ones you remember the most; they are the “glory days” I suppose of ones life.

I’m closing out the second decade of my life, and my teen years, and all I can think is that this really isn’t a big deal. It’s just another day. It’s just another year to put in the book called life and start a new chapter called twenty.

When nineteen started, I really just wanted to enjoy my last year as a “teen”, but I came to the conclusion, not far into my nineteenth year, that my teenage years were far behind me.

When I think of twenty, I think it sounds cruel. I don’t like getting older, but then again, it’s a privilege that many are denied…and maybe, I should be more thankful and happy for the start of another year.

I should embrace it and be joyful instead of being in this depressed sort of state.

Every year I look on without expectation; I know it holds a lot of good and a lot of bad…but mostly Jesus, and a lot of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Because if I learned anything from nineteen, it’s that I need Jesus and all of His care more then anything or anyone else.

And sometimes I forget that I am loved, forgiven and safe in His arms. You forget that too, don’t you? We overthink; we see too many of our flaws; we question every life decision ever made; we forget to swallow are pride before we take a fall, and we don’t realize that we must think of ourselves less not less of ourselves.

That was me in nineteen and I realized, that tomorrow, when I’m twenty…I’ll still be the same. Because after two decades, I’m still me. A birthday isn’t going to change that, neither will a year, or a decade.

So tomorrow is twenty. God, thank You for the privilege of getting older.

I hope that the next year I will show more compassion, love, forgiveness and grace like You. Help me to become more of a reflection of You with each passing day. Help me to swallow my pride and anger when it comes to the surface. Help my heart dear Jesus, to not get caught on things, places or people that will not satisfy it.

I’m not going to ask for twenty to be my best year yet. But I will ask this…

To have twenty be what twenty is meant to be for me.

But I can’t forget that while I’m starting a new year called twenty, I am also saying goodbye to nineteen, and boy, what a year it has been. Thank You Jesus, for all the gifts of friendship You have given me this year that I know will last a lifetime. Thank You. I can’t say it enough, but I’ll say it again, THANK YOU.

Nineteen ended up being exactly what it was meant to be just like every other year. The tears and heartaches to the love and warm embraces. If I can take anything away from nineteen is that I truly have a life that is well beyond what I deserve, and Jesus, Thank You.

Love,

Trudi

A Bit of Musings From Me to You

Hello! Did you miss me? Should I dare ask that question? Partly because I feel like my little corner has been forgotten about because it’s been left vacant for too long. I’ve tried to sit down and write something deep and thoughtful, but honestly? I feel like every thought that I try to spill out onto this blank white sheet of computer space doesn’t sound right. I feel like everything I write is just a bunch of empty, scattered words.

Summer break has come to a sad goodbye because school has finally begun. Funny how three months feels like a long stretch of time but once it’s over with you wonder where summer went and why didn’t you enjoy it more? I spent my last couple weeks of break in Colorado. My entire summer I felt had been centered around going to Summit, a Christian worldview conference in Manitou Springs. When the day finally arrived to go…I honestly didn’t want to. Maybe my nerves were getting to me. I mean, seriously, I’m the type of person who needs motivation just to get out of her PJs in the morning or anything that has socializing involved.

I arrived at Summit and knew absolutely no one. I looked at the heavy schedule they placed in front of us and felt like two weeks was going to be an eternity before I could go back home. Because home is familiar. I know what to do and where to go and who my people are. Mealtime was especially stressful since you had to pick a table to sit at and you didn’t know the people sitting there. My introverted side was getting the best of me, but then I got to know my roommates. Suddenly the people in the cafeteria became my classmates. We were all here for one thing and that was to grow in Christ. I never before have been surrounded by such brilliant minded students, speakers and staff. By graduation, I didn’t want to leave the old hotel in Manitou. Even now, it seems like an entirely different world, a small corner where you can just feel Jesus in every corner and crevice of it’s old structure.

I know it sounds a little cheesy to say this…but I felt like I lost myself over the course of two years. I graduated high school and started college; I went from one major to the next; tried all sorts of different classes; landed new jobs…I forgot who I was in Christ.

It’s such a terrible thing to be lost…but it’s so-so sweet to be found.

It’s not about the majors, the jobs…goodness, it’s not even about yourself. Life is such a generalized series of events. We grow up, we graduate high school, we choose a major, we graduate college, we get a job that we kind of sorta like, have a family, retire…then die.

At least that was the conversation I overheard by two students today while waiting for class to start. “Who cares how long your in college, heck, people go and get there masters and then change their minds. You might as well stay in college as long as you can because then after that you have to start real life, get a job and then die.”

Ah, how wrong is this person behind me? I thought. How pointless. How dumb. Why on earth are we here if we are just meant to die and turn to dust?

The sad fact is, I fell into this lie. It’s a strange thing, we pay all this money to go to college and get a bachelors, then a masters, and keep extending our time in college to avoid “real life”, as if college is a safety net that we cling to before we are forced to fall into reality. I fell into the lie that life is about these series of events where death is the ultimate outcome. I look back on my life and it isn’t so simple, it never was intended to be, nor will it ever be.

Death is the ultimate outcome.

But it’s not our eternity.

My eternity is in Heaven. What I do on this earth should be a reflection of Christ; my entire mindset should be only to glorify Him in all that I do. Sadly though, I get blinded by my own desires and personal gain. I kept choosing majors that I hoped would give me security and stability. Why do I seek comfort from this world when it only greets me with empty words and promises? Here is the finer things in life, where all of your troubles will be solved. But I find that the higher I step on the ladder, it gives me more burdens then the previous steps.

But then I went to Summit. I realized that I don’t want stability and comfort that the world has to offer, but that I want the stability and comfort that can only be found in Christ.

I want truth.

I want Jesus.

I have this unsatisfied curiosity now that I don’t know how, nor do I want, to quench, thanks to Summit.

Someone once told me that there is no point in trying to change the world because people don’t change.

But then, what is the point in anything? What is the point in healing the sick when we are just going to die? What is the point in fixing anything when it’s inevitably going to break again?

What I’m saying is this…

Death is not our eternity (which I stated earlier).

That is why we should care…we should care about the souls inside the bodies. The sick, the poor, the world and all of the souls it contains. We should fight for the lives of the innocent. We should stand up against controversial issues and laws made that go against our Christian morals and beliefs.

As Christians we are called to be the light in the dark, and to lead others to Christ. In the end, it does matter.

Ah, to my fellow student, who will sit behind me in class for this entire semester, who thinks that death is nothing but an end.

Let me tell you, it’s only the beginning.