A Box of “Junk”

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I noticed my big hat box up in my closet was starting to get full as I absentmindedly peaked inside. Surely I can get rid of some stuff in this box without having to upgrade.

I decided to open it up and rummage through it to see if something was worth keeping or throwing in the trash.

The funny thing is – this box…in a way has become somewhat of a diary.

A rusty old penny lays at the bottom; a piece of a cracker jacks box sits beside it, and a mask that lay on top is broken in pieces – if a stranger found this box they wouldn’t know what to do with it. If anything they would think someone was a pack rat, but the only person that knows what everything means is the person that put them there in the first place…which is me.

There are pieces of confetti thrown throughout because I grabbed handfuls and put them in my pockets at the end of a Big Time Rush concert back when I was a young teen. There is an old Chinese take out menu and sticky notes with ineligible handwriting scribbled on them. An assortment of movie tickets, birthday cards and notes for the sake of because. College acceptance letters and deans list notices of congratulations.

It’s not the things though – it’s what they represent. The people I was with. Or what I was doing at that moment in time.

And the funny thing is not all of the things in this box represent really “good” memories. Some of them make me a little teary eyed when I hold them in my hand. It’s a flash back. A moment that gets remembered. And then vanishes away with some relief.

Although some of the things in here are pretty cool and sentimental. It’s the things that are so ordinary and trivial in this box that are the things I hold onto the most.

Those Russian rubles? Yeah, they need to be exchanged for some actual spendable dollar bills.

That converse sneaker? My first key chain when I got my permit that proudly hung the keys to my parent’s minivan.

Notes from little campers who thought I was somewhat cool.

That name tag from my nursing assistant days.

That photo album? Yeah, I got a disposable camera for Christmas and proceeded to use up all the film in the course of one day. Lots of action packed moments in there featuring my sisters and our hamster Freddie.

This box makes me miss adolescence but it also reminds me of all the growth I have gone through and the love I received and keep receiving.

So when the need for a bigger box arises so be it. I’ll keep putting my odd little momentums inside as the years ago by…maybe I’ll upgrade to a trunk.

I do want to say though, next time you feel like you’re small and unwanted – don’t. Look inside your metaphorical box (or physical or heck start one…I don’t know) and remember all the people that care so much about you and all the blessings and love Christ has given you.

That’s all for now.

Love,

Trudi

Focus.

That word popped into my brain as I was driving into town for the what seemed like the fifteenth time today.

But more on that later.

You see, my computer died. After spending a good amount of two days trying to get it to work; restarting it and troubleshooting like it was my only goal in life (because at the time it was), after taking it into Geek Squad and having it miraculously work on the cold black countertop and having the dude look at me like I was crazy, I went back home to have the same grey folder and white screen blinking at me yet again. I called tech support at Apple, only to have them tell me the same things I already tried. Props to the guy I talked too though. At least I had a fun fifteen minute phone conversation despite not getting the problem solved. I was informed I should come work for Apple since I seem to be quite tech savvy.

Now, back to driving in the car.

So I decided to just take it into Geek Squad once again…hoping to God that it wouldn’t work once I sat it on the holy grail of black countertops. Kind of a weird thing to hope for but I was about ready to throw my computer out of the moving car. I was that fed up. Plus, I didn’t want to look like a crazy person again.

Focus.

After some deep soul searching and praying over my laptop for it to work, I came to the realization rather quickly that I’m not focusing on the right things in my life.

You wouldn’t think a MacBook Pro would drive a wedge between you and God but I tell ya, we had it out these past couple of days. Not only with the laptop situation but with other things in life that just haven’t been working out as I have hoped.

I realized that I need to focus on what’s important and maybe God took the ultimate time consumer in my life away for a reason. I very good reason.

So I could focus on the important parts of my life; the most important being Jesus.

God demands our attention. Months can go by with me getting too caught up in myself, until one day everything stops and I’m picking up the pieces, crying cause I just don’t understand why God can be so uncaring.

Silly.

I know.

It takes me a bit to realize how uncaring I am toward the One who cares so much for me. What right do I have to be angry at how unfair life is?

Is it really that bad?

I asked myself this question tonight as a few tears slowly drew a line down my cheeks.

Part of me wants to say yes while the other part of me wants to say no.

I isolate myself in pathetic solitude. I let my worries and doubts encompass my feelings. I don’t trust people and sadly…I’ve begun to not trust Jesus. I think my anxieties are high priority and everything that relates to personal gain. But maybe if I just stop.

Yes. Just stop for a moment and realize the goodness in my life.

To realize the goodness despite.

Despite. The key word in my intricate personal battle of feelings.

I know I can’t justify my feelings because they are just that…feelings.

To just stop and focus.

To stop focusing on myself so much.

Jesus does so much for me. He gives and He takes away. Not because He loves me less, but because He loves me so much and gave me a life that only I could handle. A life so small in retrospect when it’s compared to all the other lives being lived, but it’s mine nonetheless, and still just as important and worth living.

So, I am humbled. Will tomorrow come with another new set of struggles and lessons to learn? Of course. But if I just focus on Jesus and the goodness, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end obviously.

Okay, so my life lesson came in the form of a broken computer and hundreds of dollars worth of repair fees…and if that’s what it takes to bring me to my knees, then so be it.

Random Rambling

Ah, life is good, and wonderful, and when your driving home late at night from work, thanking Jesus for such a wonderful and beautiful life, even though you had to work late, and your completely sore from all the lifting and bending you had to do that day, and even though your gas tank is almost empty again, even though you just filled it a couple days ago, your still completely happy.

Because I’m happy. For no reason, just despite every worry and deep down fear, I am happy just because.

This week I went to the Mall of America, and shopped till the idea of looking at anything with a price tag was revolting.

I went to a concert in Downtown Minneapolis with OneRepublic, The Script, and American Authors. I didn’t get any good pictures, and all of my videos are ruined by my horrible singing, and the camera is tilted the wrong way.

But that’s okay, because it was still the best concert I’ve ever been too, and I can’t even listen to “I Lived” by OneRepublic without crying my eyes out because I love them so much and want to go back to that Tuesday night and sing along with them again.

This is my only good picture of OneRepublic :( — This is my only good picture of OneRepublic 😦

When I got home on Wednesday, my sister and I went to a cafe downtown with our dear friend Kat, who is leaving for the summer and then going back to New York.

Then on Thursday, I had to work all day. Which was fine…except I wanted to go outside and play in the rain, but of course, that isn’t acceptable behavior…especially when your at work. So I sat and stuffed curly fries depressingly in my mouth while at lunch and yes…I used three packs of mayo for dipping sauce because ranch costs money and I already spent a dollar extra to put lettuce and tomato on my sandwich.

Not like you need to know that.

The next day I had to go to the hospital and do rehabilitation for my job, in which they make you watch a video on proper back care, and then you have to go down into the creepy basement of the building and lift and push things and do squats.

I’m still really sore.

Then I went to the mall with my mom and lil sister, and I was spontaneous and got doubles in my ears. Waste of money? Probably. Confidence boost? Yes.

Then I went to work.

And now we are back to the beginning of this rather drawn out and unnecessary post.

Another My Obsession post is in the works and who knows what else will happen. Life is crazy busy right now.

~ Tru

Acts of Getting By: Scene 1

I woke up at 7:00 AM after my alarm clock(s) went of at 5:45, 6:00, and 6:30. Then my sister woke me up because her alarm clock went off at 7:00. Isn’t that sad? Four alarm clocks and I still need someone to wake me up. My first reaction when she said I have a class at 8:00 AM was “I DO NOT!” And then I was forced to get ready in thirty minutes because it takes thirty minutes (calculated precisely) to get to my 8:00 AM class…which is almost impossible when you’re half awake and your a girl. The first step is trying to figure out what to wear. You don’t want to look trashy, but it’s 8:00 in the morning and you just don’t really care. Yoga pants? Sure, why not. But then you have to decide on what shirt to wear…another long process of thinking and rummaging through your drawers…and then you get to the bathroom *dun dun dun* the battle between should you wear makeup or just go looking like you got hit by a bus sets in. Of course, being a girl, you always wonder the what if and you decide to try to look decent because you never know what the day may bring.

Take in mind, I’m stumbling around the house like a drunk person.

Now, it’s winter time, which means you have to start your car ahead of time so it doesn’t stall on you while your trying to back it out of the driveway (this is personal experience talking here). There is also snow, so you need to clear your windows off (which by the way, I have bird poop all over my car, so I was trying to scrap that off by dipping my wiper stick in the snow).

In the end, I got to class one minute late and still got there on time because the teacher hadn’t come yet and we were all standing awkwardly in the hall for five minutes because we were locked out of the classroom.

By the way, something bit me in my sleep. I think I have a spider in my bed.

Anyways, I didn’t have time to make coffee in the morning, so after class I went to Starbucks and tried not hit anyone while driving downtown (this is actually a really hard thing not to do…not saying a want to hit them, it’s just hard trying to avoid not hitting them…you get what I’m saying).

Speaking of which, a week ago I went into the ditch on my way home from school, and then I rear-ended someone while backing out of a parking lot (it may or may not have been my fault…we will never know). To say the least, I’m slowly becoming a not so reckless driver…trying not to be anyways. I thought I backed over someone in my school parking lot a couple nights ago but it turned out it was just the snow crunching underneath my tires. Paranoid? I think yes.

So, I went to Starbucks, then I went back to school. I tried eating my chocolate croissant while driving…but that was a mess. I had crumbs in my scarf and I decided that scarves are like beards for girls.

That was my morning in a nutshell. Sorry that this ended up being the most boring thing you’ve ever read, but hey, it’s my life and I’m just getting by.

This is the beginning of Acts of Getting By, there will be more scenes to come. But in other news, a long awaited for My Obsessions post is in the works 😉

~ Trudi