From the Vault: Scent of A Woman Review

I found my folder of k-drama reviews on my Google Drive and I want to start a series of past writings, reviews etc. that I may have never posted anywhere. For your entertainment and my nostalgia. I can laugh at myself and I hope you can laugh with me.

Yeon Jae is getting past marriageable age and facing the life of a spinster, her hair is always a mess, and she wears gigantic glasses, hiding the fact that she’s actually pretty-she just doesn’t have the time to be. Her boss is mean and pushes her around, even when she tries her hardest and does everything in order to not get fired, her fellow co-workers are mean to her too, and it’s the last blow when she finds out she has cancer.

Finally Yeon Jae, in a sudden rage, quits her job, and gives her resignation letter that she wrote out five years ago to her boss.

Ji Wook is the director of the company Yeon Jae works for, and the president is his dad. He doesn’t care really about anything, has a “life is horrible even though I’m dirt rich” sort of attitude. He’s arranged to marry the daughter of a big company, but has no feelings for her whatsoever, and she is the same. When Yeon Jae sees him coming out of his fancy sports car, she’s gaped mouth and wide-eyed, and through a series of fortunate events, ends up meeting Ji Wook when he mistakes her for his tour guide and they have a wonderful cheesy time until Ji Wook’s fiance shows up on their trip, and then Yeon Jae goes and tangos with an old man sadly.

Once Yeon Jae returns home from her trip, she has a bucket list, and wants to learn to tango, so she signs up for a class, and Ji Wook follows her there and they end up dancing together and with a sudden passion figure out their feelings for one another!

The Doctor treating Yeon Jae for her cancer, is also one of her longtime friends, and it’s so dead obvious he likes her, but Yeon Jae cries in every episode, and it just gets annoying. MAN UP WOMAN! I really want the Doctor to end up with that happy patient…who has more emotion than all three of the main characters combined.

Now, I started off liking this drama, but then I started to get annoyed, like, what is holding the two main characters back from getting together? Why are they making it so freaking difficult? Maybe because Ji Wook is dumb, or maybe Yeon Jae is too pathetic. Sure, you have cancer, but the fact that you selfishly started a relationship with Ji Wook when you knew you had cancer but didn’t tell him is low. Go cry in a corner…wait, you already did.

I know a lot of people thought this drama was amazing and heartfelt, but honestly, no.

And I’m not kidding, at least Big (which I didn’t finish also) had a twisted plot, even if the ending did suck. This is all trivial. Every facial expression is the same, and when they show any other emotion (which is usually tears), it’s just so hideous.

Oh yeah, and so they realize their feelings for one another, and Ji Wook breaks off his engagement, and then they have some more happy times, but then they break up, and then Ji Wook finds out about Yeon Jae’s health predicament and then he’s angry and she is crying and then he cries and gets drunk and she cries some more.

And from the vibes I’m getting, she probably will die from dried-out tear glands. [I would like to point out that I was using the word “vibes” before it was cool].

But anyway, that is what I’ve got so far, and it’s not much. The Doctor and Yeon Jae are tangoing together for his charity ball thing and Ji Wook is eventually going to come back to Yeon Jae, he just is a baby and is mad at her for not telling him in the beginning, which is a valid reason to be mad.

Now, if I decide to pick this up again at episode 11, I will…but right now, I’m pretty into Gu Family Book and anything else is just stupid until then.

🙂

I looked high and low to find out how this drama ends without actually watching it, but to no avail. I guess we will just have to live wondering if they tangoed off into the sunset together and if Yeon Jae was cured of her cancer.

Self Love.

You’re not pretty, you’re ugly.

You have a double chin and a big nose.

You are not lovable.

You’re not funny.

You’re not smart.

You need to lose weight.

When I look in the mirror…

I think all of these things and more.

Even though I know that we are all created in God’s image. Even though I know that Jesus loves me. Even though I know that my perfectionism is unattainable.

I don’t love myself. I don’t think that I am good at anything. I have no confidence. My insecurities, self doubt, anxieties and sinful nature trail into my relationships with my family, friends and Jesus. It hurts me and it hurts others in the process.

There is a quote that says that you should be selfless but not think of your self less. I remember reading that quote one day and thinking how I seemed to mistake loving myself, and doing what is best for me, as a form of pride and selfishness. I remember reading this quote and thinking “Wow, I really am not selfless at all…or at least my form of selflessness is not healthy.”

It’s not.

If I have learned anything in the last six months, is that I can’t love others properly if I cannot love myself.

I use to think all those female celebrities were so generic. They always are telling you to love yourself and be authentically you, but I think there is something missing in that equation.

Jesus. Such a Sunday school answer. I know. If I were my authentic self, sin would take over. My default setting is to sin. By the world’s standards I am a “good” person…but good only can go so far.

If anyone knows me, they know that I will never boast about myself. If I do, it’s in a complete joking way. In fact, if you give me a compliment, I won’t believe you. I used to think “Trudi, why don’t you believe a compliment?” but the truth was that all I could think was “if they only could see inside me…they would think differently”.

I could cry thinking of how I would and still tear myself down until there are figurative shreds of myself on the floor, giving people the capacity to stomp on me because I have no confidence.

I came to the realization that my searching for love and acceptance of myself has been me trying to love out my flaws (or look for other people to do so); an inward battle between me, myself and I, leaving me unsatisfied.

I was talking to my Mom one night about how I hated myself.

She referenced some video she saw on Facebook, and asked me to look at a picture of myself as a baby.

Childhood Photo.jpg

She asked me to say all the things I was saying to myself in the mirror right now while looking at this picture.

“Trudi, you’re not pretty or cute. You’re not smart. You need to lose weight. You are not lovable…”

I did this one night. I found this picture my Mom posted on Facebook and started saying all the insecurities and self-hate I held for myself while looking at this picture.

The results: tears.

Because when I look at this picture, I see a sweet, innocent, little girl. A girl who would sing at the top of her lungs in the car. Who would go running outside to search for ladybugs and pick really pretty weeds. She would play in the sandbox for hours. She would ride her little tricycle on the pavement on a pretend road made out of chalk.

Little Trudi. You are so loved. You are so smart. If you only knew the hardships to come but also all that you would accomplish. It breaks my heart to know that the little heart in this photo has ever known suffering.

I sound like my Mom right now…

You know in the Bible it says multiple times to “love your neighbor as yourself”. But if you do not know how to love yourself, how can you love your neighbor?

So, that is what I’m learning. I’m not talking about self-love. I’m talking about TRUE self love. The loves that does not see my sins bigger than my virtues, but the redeemed kind. The kind of love that holds freedom; that doesn’t keep gazing inward, but outward toward Jesus Christ.

I encourage you to read this article here in order to understand what I am talking about (otherwise I’m just going to plagiarize the shhh out of it).

The question: Do I love myself enough? I am a broken human being. But if I loved myself enough, I would be able to accept Christ’s love for me. Oh how freeing it would be. Dear little Trudi (even though you are way older now, that little person in the picture above will always exist inside) come as you are.

As the article says, stop scraping together your self worth and piecing together your sinful self. Embrace Christ’s love for you and then you will truly hold self love.

I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On

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We don’t fully know nor understand something until we experience it for ourselves.

Not death; not heartbreak; not terminal diseases…not even something extremely anticlimactic like failing a class or hitting way below average on an exam score.

As John Keats once wrote “Nothing ever becomes real ’til it is experienced.”

But as I’m sitting here in the car…watching the clouds sit peacefully in the sky, the words keep coming to me.

“I can’t go on. I’ll go on.”

Those words have been echoing in my head since I read them.

I can’t.

But I will.

Because I must.

Even though I may not be terminally ill, as my health seems to be thriving at the moment, this goes with every painful experience we face. To the terminally ill, to the depressed, to the anxiety, to the heartbreaks…we will go on. You will continue live.

As John 1:5 says, “the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.”

After reading When Breath Becomes Air, I decided to skim through Ecclesiastes again. Let me tell you, Solomon is one depressing guy.

“I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” – Ecclesiastes 1:14

Wisdom, pleasure, riches, folly, toil, and so forth are all meaningless. Solomon points us to find God-conscious joy (for more clarity I encourage you to read this article here),

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi is a beautiful and simplistic read full of raw truth.

Death is a final outcome of everything we accomplish in life. We don’t think about that though… as Paul Kalanithi said most of us live with a passivity toward it. A a neurosurgeon he actively engaged in it, consoling his patients into acceptance and rationality, but until he became a patient himself, he did not fully understand the pain in which suffering entails. He talks of his stages of grief in reverse, how he started from acceptance and moved to denial. Uncertain of how much time he had left; trying to grasp for the numbers. If he knew how much time, he would do things differently.

But as I sat in the car this afternoon, I thought of myself dying in a car crash that very second. Knowing that there is always a possible outcome of death, terminally ill or not, will I choose to live differently?

Even though Paul knew death was his fate, he refused to act as if he were dying. To choose to live and face the outcome we are all surely are going to face, that is a strength we will not know unless we experience it ourselves. As he said, even if he was dying, until he was dead, he still was living.

As Tim McGraw sings “lets live like we are dying..” why not live like we are living?

Having worked in the medical field myself for four years, I understood a sense of what Paul’s run in with terminal patients felt like. I understood the desensitized feelings. When his young doctor came in to check on him and was checking off the boxes. How many times did I do that when taking care of a patient? Many. Countless. So I could get onto the next one and clock out.

Human sympathy is a strange thing, the more it is pushed, the more apathetic we become, until we feel nothing at all.

Paul’s measure of what makes life worth living is something to learn from. Even though his manuscript went unfinished, his final written words to his daughter are this:

“When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.”

Bite My Cheek

There is a continuous mark on the inside of my left cheek. I find myself unnecessarily biting it.

Too many changes, too much stress, too much anxiety, too many things I haven’t gotten done yet…and it’s just an uphill battle from where I am at now, and it’s scary.

But in the midst of all this chaos inside of me, so many good things have happened. So many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to hold onto the thankfulness when I want to crawl under a blanket and just sleep away the stress.

Like walking out to my car to find a gigantic dent in the side. Just another shove of reality saying “you thought it was bad? HA!”

Four month ago I left home. I remember the heart wrenching feeling as I drove down the interstate with everything packed into my car. “It’s not too late to turn around. Let me settle for a life that I know if that means staying with the familiar and the people I love”.

In the past six months so much has changed.

From graduating, to moving out, to a full time job, to now planning a conference in Russia and then going to Russia in a few short weeks.

Despite all the stress, anxiety and worry I go through each day, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. I don’t take the opportunities I have had fore granted.

But with all the opportunity, there is no guaranteed outcomes. We cannot predict the future.

And maybe that is why tears were spilled on the interstate all the way to Virginia. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what failures lie ahead. But we take the risk for success.

Even though I know that the life I have been given is so much more than I deserve, it’s hard to realize how blessed you are when your perception is overclouded by stress, anxiety and worry.

Before moving to Virginia, I made a pact with myself to find joy in my path no matter what bumps and sharp turns laid ahead. But in the past couple months of being out here, my trust in Jesus has dwindled on the brink of nonexistence because I cannot hand anything over. I put it all on my shoulders because I don’t have the patience or trust to, what seems like a simple act, let go.

I trust Jesus, but I don’t trust that everything will work out, and it has played over into my earthly relationships and it’s disheartening because I so badly want to let go and trust Jesus with my entire being, but everyday the struggle to fight through life on my own or realize fully that my life is not my own and that I ultimately belong in Jesus’s hand.

Psalms 94:19 says “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” and Colossians 3:15 says “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” and Psalm 4:8 says “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Those words are comforting, but to fully trust that they are true is another thing. I love Jesus with my entire heart and being, but when you have to walk by faith and not by sight, I find myself stumbling.

I set myself up for failure when my prayers become shorter and my Bible lays unopened for months at a time.

I thought a year from now I would become a better Christian…when I say better Christian, I know there is no such thing. Each relationship is unique in itself, and to think that my relationship with Jesus fits into a standardized box, categorized on a shelf labeled “five-star Christian” is a lie, but the more responsibilities that come with adulthood that are laid upon my shoulders, I realize that it’s more scary and uncertain than I ever realized.

So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop because my car doesn’t pass the emissions test required in Virginia and I can’t get it registered until I do, looking at a thousand dollars worth of repairs, and possibly having to get a new car.

I could be upset about this, and cry. I almost did…but I won’t let it cost my peace. My peace in knowing that this life is just beginning and that I have people to stand beside me in this life, and a God that loves me unconditionally.

Everything works out. It just takes time and even when everything doesn’t work out, you must let go of what you cannot control, because nothing in this life has the ability to take away the peace bestowed upon us by Jesus unless we let it and even though I fail in this area everyday, I know that there is nothing that can separate me from His love and protection.

Finding Joy in My Path

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

Today I had my last class ever at the University of Iowa. Next week, I will face finals and then I will graduate with my Bachelors in Political Science.

I’m looking at my cap and gown hanging on the wall as I write this. I’m thinking about seventeen when I graduated high school, and how fast those years went by…from community college, to becoming a certified nursing assistant, changing my major a million times, transferring to the University of Iowa, working on several campaigns, being an intern, traveling the country, and so much more.

It was a roller coaster, but I made it, and the changes to come are sweeping me away.

Away from Iowa. Away from the only place I have called home.

It’s strange how nothing changes and then everything changes all at once. Your heart tugs you different places and makes all these plans, but then God directs your steps, despite if it doesn’t make sense or it’s not what you want.

He is leading me down this path that is scary and excited at the same time and all I can do is trust Him and have patience.

I pray that I find joy in my path though.

Every decision I have made in life has been calculated, weighted, stressed over, reevaluated, back and forth, yes and no.
Don’t do this because it doesn’t make sense. Do this because it looks good. Make these decisions based on what people will think of you. Don’t do what you actually want to do because people will judge you.

Maybe it’s because I am always thinking about what others will think of me and I let let my fears and anxieties rule me, that I forget to trust Jesus…and to find joy in my path.

My path of life. My career path. My relationships.

I worry, over excessively. I make myself miserable to the point I cannot stand myself.

I woke up and I wasn’t seventeen anymore, starting college. I let these years past by stressing about money, trying to make all the right choices, working overtime while going to school full time.

I woke up at 22 realizing that I let it slip through my fingers. The joy I could have had in learning and thriving, but I didn’t. I let my joy slip through my fingers far too often. I stumped my growth to the point that when my senior year came around, I could not care less. I was tired and worn thin.

But now I’m graduating.

I don’t have all the answers in life, nor what the Lord has in store for me as I go on this new path. I just know that if I do not find joy along the way, no matter what path I’m on, I will be disheartened, miserable, and worn by the end.

So I’m trusting God as I walk this new path, that no matter what comes my way, I will face it with a spirit of grace, joy and, most importantly, peace.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

Afraid.

I was talking one night, talking about my future plans and how much I hate my job. I was talking about past relationships and how I can’t find anyone that I am comfortable with. I talked about being a senior in college and how uncertain everything is. I talked about my internship opportunity in D.C. and how I don’t know what I am doing…and that I’m scared.

I guess it took long enough to admit.

But I’m afraid of most things. I just put on a brave face and sassy attitude and act like the female-version of Rhett Butler and how I “frankly don’t give a dam”. But then I am Scarlett, walking away from it all and saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow”.

Stalling and not caring…or at least, saying I don’t care.

That’s me.

Today though, I looked around at all the things that I have grown comfortable with. Like driving. At first the road into town was scary and uncertain because I just didn’t have enough experience at the wheel. Now I can drive long distances without fear and I have confidence in my ability but also I trust Jesus that He will get me from one point to the next safely.

Just like in life. If only I could take that trust and transfer it to every situation I am in.

My college career will either be over after December, or I will go on to graduate school. My internship in D.C. will work out with ease or it will be rocky and not work out at all. I’ll either be single till tomorrow or I won’t get married till I’m thirty…or not at all. My job has an expiration date but it could be longer than I anticipate.

And even then, what job lays ahead? The future. It scares me.

But oddly enough I woke up yesterday not feeling scared anymore. I looked up and applied for housing around the D.C. area. I bought some more clothes for my internship. I scheduled some appointments.

It’s the waiting that gets me.

Waiting for the future. Because the longer I wait the more anxious I become and the more fearful I get.

And I need a heart of patience. I need a heart for a lot of things. To show more kindness and love. To be more frugal with my time and assets.

But let me get back to patience. I realize that I am going off on a lot of things from being afraid to confidence to patience. Hopefully it all comes full circle so I can tie it up in a nice little package for my readers (if I have any, let’s be honest, my reach toward stardom hasn’t gotten very far since I started this WordPress four long years ago).

I find myself checking my email like a crazy person because I am expecting some important emails to come through. When I was on a *cough* messaging app, I was constantly checking my phone hoping for some more messages and possibly “the one” to message me. Even during midterms, I was just trying to go through the motions and wishing it all to be over quick.

I’m in such a rush. A rush to find “the one”; a rush to get through college; a rush to figure out all my future plans. A rush to get through a work weekend because I don’t like my job.

Always rushing. It’s so tiring.

Because no matter how hard I try, nothing gets happens because it’s not in my control. I did my part. I am doing my part. It’s the other side that I am waiting on.

So there. I am afraid of uncertainty and don’t have the patience to wait on Jesus’ perfect timing.

The Bible talks about patience so much…

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

Galatians 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

And yet, I don’t take my time reading and studying it and pondering these things in my heart.

It’s so simple yet so hard. To just run to Jesus into His open arms and let my anxieties and fears go. To be completely joyfully patient, knowing that His timing is perfect, and even when disappointment hits my shoreline, to still have peace.