To Make Him Known

Am I a failure?

I thought to myself as the reality of my decision came settling in. Did I not try hard enough? Did I not stand a chance?

You always wonder about the what-ifs in life. But I never thought that I would be so sorrowful when I made the decision to move back home.

Home. The fields of opportunities and dreams. I went to the land of lovers to the wild and wonderful only to come back again.

And the farther I kept getting away from DC…my dreams slowly started to shatter rather dramatically to the ground.

Like broken glass, I wondered if the shards would cut me later as hypothetically grasp an old memory or an old goal that never quite got there to the finish line. It cuts sometimes but it also makes me wonder…

If my new perspective on life will make me more willing to try again as I make my way back to the place that made me who I am.

I don’t know.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of sorrow lately. As relationships change people hurt your feelings and they don’t understand where you are coming from or what you are trying to say.

It just makes you cling to Jesus more and more.

Because the people that might hurt your feelings sometimes, or make you feel mad or sad or whatever it may be, bring a lot of joy in your life. And someone has to absorb the hurt and sometimes you don’t even know that you are the one inflicting the pain.

I think about who I want to be when I get older – isn’t that funny? 6 years ago I was saying the same thing and yet I’m older now and still wondering what I want to be or try to be when I’m another 6 years older.

When I’m older, or starting now, I want to stop believing these lies I have to be more than who I am or this progressive, worldly person who is defined by the earthly praise she will get.

I know I have to be more like Jesus but these superficial accomplishments hurt. I earned my master’s, but what did it do for me? I moved away, but what have I become? I’m home…but I’m not the same person? Who am I? What was I made for? The song that everyone resonated to as Barbie cried her first tear.

These things I hope to be and may never measure up to hurt more than ever right now. But what is the point if I’m not making Christ known?

Is my story more than just a girl who almost got there and then came back again?

I don’t know. But something about those rolling hills, those wide open spaces, and the people I’ve missed, the family I see weekly instead of once every few months, make me wonder…what were we made for? All these things that we keep trying to accomplish are nothing. Ecclesiastes tells us that everything is meaningless without God. Everything is just chasing after the wind…and maybe for a long time, I have been chasing the wind.

And maybe the wind is settling, maybe instead of doing the brave thing of leaving, the brave thing is staying and planting and growing. Maybe the brave thing looks different for everyone, and the most wonderful thing is there is no wrong answer when you look to Jesus when you grasp His truth and hold onto Him through all of it.

When I look back on all of my accomplishments, they all seem to be quite small in comparison to the friendships and people I have met along the way. And maybe that’s the point…

The weight of glory is not on who we become but on who we encounter…the weight we carry is nothing to do with me but with who I can serve. And if the weight of this glory is to dig deeper into the home in which I have longed for and the home in which I have yet to find myself, if all my wonderful encounters if all my beautiful friendships could be present in a room together, I would be so happy. But Heaven awaits for that.

“It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbor. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor’s glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. …It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations — these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit. … Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.” – C.S. Lewis

I guess this is a reminder for myself, to remember that we are built to be disciples. We are not meant to live our lives on our own but for a higher calling. As Christians in this consumerist society, we must remember what it means to love another, what it means to be His hands and feet…and I am ready. Lord. Use me. Wherever it may be. With open hands and a heart willing – lead me, take my life, and let it be.

For A Time

I’m sitting here trying to contemplate life and the endless cycle. The grief-torn world we live in; the startling reality that we all must die at some point, not knowing when or where…it’s inescapable.

For a time we are here…

Waking up, going to work, getting the groceries, filling our days with tasks that feel like they are endless and piling up. Brush your teeth, make the coffee, get dressed. It gets monotonous and aggravating at times, and even on the good days, chores are always there.

We get hung up on the material, when can I buy that house? When will I be able to get that promotion or new job? There is always a brighter future around the corner.

We are faced with challenges, like anxiety, depression, and other health-related issues that cause us to question our existence in this world, clinging to Jesus, and trying to hold fast to the hope that will drown out the fear of whatever the future has in store.

Sometimes we look longingly at the future, and other times we despise it; fearful it may cause more issues than in the present.

But the future, is a privilege, that some are denied. But here again, I say, for a time such as this, we are here.

No amount of money or status will make me happy. While I fall into the lie that I need more, in this consumer world, in this earthly body, I need more. My sinful nature craves excess materials such as clothes, food, and money. But also, my heart longs for the community, and to be known by my friends, and by people, to have something in a Wikipedia article that will live on the internet.

But earlier today I passed by a cemetery, every one of those tombstones has a life and a story that not everyone will know. Not everyone will make their mark in the world, but dare I say, that the most small, town grandma can speak into her children’s and grandchildren’s lives and create a legacy. A friend gone too soon can cause a ripple effect in other people’s lives and make Christ known even after death. A little boy, far too young, proclaiming Jesus is still good through his death by his parents.

We all long for more time with our loved ones. No amount will truly satisfy us even if we spend every second of the day with those who are now gone.

The desire to have more and more creates a desire that only can exist within our heavenly home, to be one with Christ, who is outside of time. Outside of the care of this world.

Christ is relational. He calls us to grow as a body, He calls us to foster relationships, to be kind to one another, and to love one another as a forecast of His love. How easily we get sucked in the day-to-day that we forget why we are here. And we forget that time is a currency that can not be gained back.

As Christians, as God’s people, we are here to hold fast to our relationships. Sometimes it’s not the most comfortable, sometimes you have to stay up late and talk all night about whatever it may be; sometimes you need to give hugs and show sympathy even if you’re having a bad day yourself. Sometimes, we have to forget ourselves to be a friend to others.

Friendships are the kind of love that is not romantic but is the hardest because friendships of various levels don’t all have the same expectations, there is a hierarchy of friendships in everyone’s lives. Still, I’m challenging myself and you, to look outside the hierarchy and just love the people in your life.

And the other types of love, family especially…call more. Go to them more. Ask them to hang out more. Be present with them.

For a time we are here. For a time like this, we must not wait. For a time such as this, we must love and cherish.

But for a time it is!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Dear Ol’ Me

It’s been a while dear old corner. It’s not that I have forgotten about you, it’s simply that I have forgotten how to write. Such sappy posts grace this corner of the internet but all in the attempt of being honest and for some dear soul to find these writings and find some remanence of peace and understanding. Loneliness, grief, goodbyes of the bitterest or most sorrowful type, and joy that sometimes I forgot to make room for in all the struggles of “just getting by”.

But here I am, back again. Halfway through my Master’s program, gearing up for another busy season of life, but looking back on all that once was and all that is to come with a newfound understanding.

Life goes on.

My dad said this to me on one tearful car ride, my first year away from home. Life keeps going. You pick yourself up.

Previous generations have picked themselves up by their bootstraps and in some ways, I think we need to continue to do this. As a dear friend’s mom said to her once, “sometimes we are too honest” and there is something very, if not poetic, realistic, about that statement.

Life goes on and sometimes we don’t need to be so honest.

Not that we have to lie or that we have to not address the problems that we are dealing with, nor should we hide our struggles to the point they overtake us.

In a safe space, we can bring out struggles into the light, where they can no longer grow past the little shadows on the wall. The darkness cannot overcome the light.

Five years ago, I set out on a journey to figure out who I am. I found myself in deep conversations with friends, long-distance FaceTimes, Sunday night movies, traveling for work, advocating for a minority in foreign lands, figuring out how to stand up for myself, and finding silence says more than a million words can.

I found out more about myself when I stopped trying to be impressive. Along the way, you find out who your friends are and you figure out how you can be a good friend…and believe me, I have failed in so many ways. I forget to call when I say I should; I forget to make time and think about my personal convenience rather than selflessly look to see how I can be helpful those in my life. But the beauty of Christ-centered relationships is that you can fail, but there is grace for that.

I’ve found grace upon grace upon grace and more and more until I don’t know how Christ could possibly give me anymore. It’s always there in unlimited supply. Forgiveness. Love. Promises that will not be broken by a loving Father.

Promises that can be easily broken by those in our lives, but that’s when we have to step back and remember, humans loving humans are bound to fail and if we put all our stock in that one person or that group of people, we will find it desperately unsatisfying and quite frankly depressing.

Because friends forget to text back. They forget to call when they say they will. They forget to keep up with your life when you so desperately want someone to ask “how ya been?”, and you have all the tea to be spilled and the longing to be heard and seen and cared for.

It can be a bitter cup to swallow that the people who were so dearly close at some point become arm’s length to miles away in your personal closeness, but it doesn’t mean your friendship is over, it just hit a new season, and sometimes the season never changes from winter, but sometimes…sometimes it becomes spring, and your friendship or relationship is more beautiful than it has ever been.

And it’s okay to go through the seasons of cold winter and its also okay to say goodbye.

When I remember that Jesus loves me, regardless of all that I try to measure up to be, it makes life so much easier and free. Yes, FREEING. This seems so strange as most look at the Bible as a set of rules and regulations that need to strictly be followed, but when you focus on Jesus, the rules, the sins you need to fight against, have a purpose. A purpose to fight for good; a purpose to focus on all things good and true, yes, it’s so freeing to no longer be chained to my earthly desires and gratifications that give me so much unrest; which causes me to go further into darkness until I can no longer see where I’m going.

So, life goes on, yes, five years, and it keeps going and going. The fresh-out-of-college graduate is now far closer to her 30s than her 20s.

And there is still more to live, as long as Christ gives me breath.

How is this for another sappy post in this corner?

Here are some truths I have found out in my post-grad life/farther from adolescent/somewhat more mature but still immature in ways…

Life isn’t about you
It’s not always going to go the way you wish
You can still experience joy even when it looks rather dark and hard to get through whatever it is
You’re not alone
Life is better when we stop making room for ALL the feelings we feel, you don’t always have to validate every emotion
We don’t need to be so honest when we are hurt
We can bring our hurt to a safe place, to Jesus and a trusted ally
We don’t need to rush through life
Life will keep going and it will be a lot of things, you can trust that
Sometimes you don’t need to get what you want
Christ will always get you through
Don’t rely on your own strength
Be willing to be wrong
Be willing to be corrected (yes, this is different than being wrong and it’s much harder, believe me).
It only takes 30 minutes to workout and feel good and that’s a drop in the bucket in your Netflix marathon
You’re going to mess up and make bad choices – don’t sit in the bad, move forward and seek Jesus
That relationship that makes you miserable – is not worth it and it’s not worth either of your time on both ends
You don’t need to be right and you don’t need to be the smartest
You do though need to be willing to learn – and grow!
Prioritize your time with your values – and that means if you value your friendships, make time for them! If you value your health – make time to exercise! Your values should dictate your time.
You love Jesus – make time for His word!!!

I’m sure there are more of my truth statements that I wish I would have told myself in my high school years, but I think the most drastic one I will say is what I read in my devotions on prayer. Prayer doesn’t change God’s plans…it changes our hearts. If it worries you; stresses you; makes you anxious; holds fear over you; causes you to doubt the future or pains you from the past – pray about it. Pray away because that safety, that treasured times we have in the His presence, He will remember our cries. He’ll honor our prayers in His time – and if we don’t get what we want, we will get what we need.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope”
Jeremiah 29:11

From the Vault: Scent of A Woman Review

I found my folder of k-drama reviews on my Google Drive and I want to start a series of past writings, reviews etc. that I may have never posted anywhere. For your entertainment and my nostalgia. I can laugh at myself and I hope you can laugh with me.

Yeon Jae is getting past marriageable age and facing the life of a spinster, her hair is always a mess, and she wears gigantic glasses, hiding the fact that she’s actually pretty-she just doesn’t have the time to be. Her boss is mean and pushes her around, even when she tries her hardest and does everything in order to not get fired, her fellow co-workers are mean to her too, and it’s the last blow when she finds out she has cancer.

Finally Yeon Jae, in a sudden rage, quits her job, and gives her resignation letter that she wrote out five years ago to her boss.

Ji Wook is the director of the company Yeon Jae works for, and the president is his dad. He doesn’t care really about anything, has a “life is horrible even though I’m dirt rich” sort of attitude. He’s arranged to marry the daughter of a big company, but has no feelings for her whatsoever, and she is the same. When Yeon Jae sees him coming out of his fancy sports car, she’s gaped mouth and wide-eyed, and through a series of fortunate events, ends up meeting Ji Wook when he mistakes her for his tour guide and they have a wonderful cheesy time until Ji Wook’s fiance shows up on their trip, and then Yeon Jae goes and tangos with an old man sadly.

Once Yeon Jae returns home from her trip, she has a bucket list, and wants to learn to tango, so she signs up for a class, and Ji Wook follows her there and they end up dancing together and with a sudden passion figure out their feelings for one another!

The Doctor treating Yeon Jae for her cancer, is also one of her longtime friends, and it’s so dead obvious he likes her, but Yeon Jae cries in every episode, and it just gets annoying. MAN UP WOMAN! I really want the Doctor to end up with that happy patient…who has more emotion than all three of the main characters combined.

Now, I started off liking this drama, but then I started to get annoyed, like, what is holding the two main characters back from getting together? Why are they making it so freaking difficult? Maybe because Ji Wook is dumb, or maybe Yeon Jae is too pathetic. Sure, you have cancer, but the fact that you selfishly started a relationship with Ji Wook when you knew you had cancer but didn’t tell him is low. Go cry in a corner…wait, you already did.

I know a lot of people thought this drama was amazing and heartfelt, but honestly, no.

And I’m not kidding, at least Big (which I didn’t finish also) had a twisted plot, even if the ending did suck. This is all trivial. Every facial expression is the same, and when they show any other emotion (which is usually tears), it’s just so hideous.

Oh yeah, and so they realize their feelings for one another, and Ji Wook breaks off his engagement, and then they have some more happy times, but then they break up, and then Ji Wook finds out about Yeon Jae’s health predicament and then he’s angry and she is crying and then he cries and gets drunk and she cries some more.

And from the vibes I’m getting, she probably will die from dried-out tear glands. [I would like to point out that I was using the word “vibes” before it was cool].

But anyway, that is what I’ve got so far, and it’s not much. The Doctor and Yeon Jae are tangoing together for his charity ball thing and Ji Wook is eventually going to come back to Yeon Jae, he just is a baby and is mad at her for not telling him in the beginning, which is a valid reason to be mad.

Now, if I decide to pick this up again at episode 11, I will…but right now, I’m pretty into Gu Family Book and anything else is just stupid until then.

🙂

I looked high and low to find out how this drama ends without actually watching it, but to no avail. I guess we will just have to live wondering if they tangoed off into the sunset together and if Yeon Jae was cured of her cancer.

Take This Cup.

Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” I was lying flat on my back staring up at the ceiling and “take this cup” just kept repeating.

I was listening to a song today by Chris Renzema and the lyrics went like this:

Cause He’ll finish what He starts
He started this I know
But if you saw the plans
Maybe you wouldn’t go…

I was thinking about how Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives for the Father to take this cup from Him. The next verse goes further “and being in agony he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”

Jesus being Christ knew all that was to happen to Him in the coming days. According to a study on this particular section, “some consider Luke’s description as mere simile—Jesus’ sweat fell to the ground in large, heavy drops, the way that blood drips from an open wound. However, there exists a medical condition that produces the symptoms described and explains Luke’s mention of blood. Hematidrosis is a rare, but very real, medical condition that causes one’s sweat to contain blood. The sweat glands are surrounded by tiny blood vessels that can constrict and then dilate to the point of rupture, causing blood to effuse into the sweat glands. The cause of hematidrosis is extreme anguish” (GotQuestions.org).

Crucifixion is the most painful death and yet Jesus willingly took on the sins of the world and cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” as the final sacrifice for us.

Maybe if I saw the plans God had in store for me, maybe I wouldn’t go. Maybe I could armor myself better or choose a different route. I’m not Jesus.

But oh to strive to be like Him…

I think one thing that really stands out to me is that Jesus didn’t stifle His anguish for what was to come or what He was experiencing. He trusted God and knew what needed to be done, but He still prayed. He still felt that grief.

It’s okay to grieve while experiencing physical or emotional pain but it’s also possible to be joyous in those times.

2021 has been in a year of mental, emotional, and physical turmoil. I pray and ask God daily – please take this cup. Please take this cup so I can experience joy. After all that I have been through this year in my personal health, I found myself feeling that I shouldn’t have joy or feel content until the problems are fixed because then I can live my best life. It was almost as if, and something I’m still struggling with, that I was telling God that I could not and will not possibly grow through the season I am in. I cannot grow in the metaphorical winter season that I feel stuck inside until better conditions come around and I can be joyous.

Christ took the cup thousands of years ago one night in Bethlehem.

I went to a Christy Nockels concert at a local church a few weeks ago and she told the story about the Shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night. You see, they were not ordinary shepherds, they were fulfilling temple duties and these flocks that were being watched were for sacrificing. The newborn lambs would be swaddled in special temple cloth to keep from blemish. So, when the Angel of the Lord appeared before them and said “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger” (Luke 2:10-12).

The final sacrifice.

And so we cut back to Jesus in deep anguish that night, knowing that this cup was not in God’s will to take from Him. He died on the cross for us and cried “It is finished!”

But it didn’t end there. Three days later, Jesus conquered death!

Proving that joy comes; joy always follows.

Christy Nockels wrote this song called Amaryllis and sang it at this concert and a few of the lyrics were:

“Here I am waiting
in a winter of my own
if it’s gonna be this cold here
Why couldn’t it just snow?
At least I could say through the pain
That it’s somehow beautiful…
And everybody knows that the time to bloom is spring,
But You’re asking me to break through the hardness of this freeze
And You say that You’re with me
And I can make it through anything….
Like an Amaryllis, blooming at Christmas,
When everything is cold and dark
Your love breaks through and I shine
With the brilliance of summer,
Right in the middle of winter!
Somehow surprising the night
Like a Christmas Amaryllis…”

Christ already took the cup. And He is working not just in me, but in you. He promises us joy if we just relent and let the growth happen. We can grow even in the most unideal circumstance. Think how unideal Mary and Joseph must have thought their circumstance felt like when they were turned away at the inn, but think also how this babe in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, signaled to the world on that holy night that HE HAS COME.

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appear’d and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”

Followed by the words fall on your knees and we will. We are. Falling down and worshiping and praising Him for He knows when this season will end and how much growth is happening right now even when you can’t see it. He knows every pain and sorrow in your cup. He has not forsaken you, no, He has done the very opposite. He loves, protects, provides, rescues, forgives – past, present, and future!

I think moving towards 2022…I can’t place my joy on the earthly promise that it will get better. I can’t place my joy on anything this world may offer me because it’s temporary and so temperamental. If I look outside of my earthly body and see that I am not a body but a soul. We all are. We can move forward joyously knowing that we are not confined to the temperament of this world but that Christ has made a way for us to experience what we long for…and that is to be with Him.

A Stain

I’m sitting here on the floor in my living room staring at my new couch of fewer than six months and looking at the stain that I tried to blot away on my own. I used four different types of cleaner and the stain has gotten darker and bigger with each attempt – the stain started out as a speck. But I tried to tend to it on my own and fix it – making it worse.

Instead of filing a claim right away. Now I’m sitting here with some sort of peace, because I filed a claim and now it’s out of my hands, I’ve done all I can and I’m leaving it in other people’s hands. But that got me thinking a lot about the metaphorical stains I try to deal with on my body, in my soul, my heart, and my mind. I try to tend to them and take control but the stains keep getting bigger, and bigger…what was once not noticeable is now screaming at me.

Because I try to be the perfect human and take the power back in my life, but the one missing is the most important, the one in which I can file a claim and can trust He will take care of it in whatever fashion He sees fit. That perfect peace of knowing that it’s not always up to me, it’s not always based on what I feel and think, that my prayers of petition can be heard and that He will provide and I will be okay – no matter what.

Maybe the stain will be there still on my couch, but unlike my couch, I know that He has cleared the stains; the sins with His blood in me.

Earthly possessions and earthly problems have no hold on me. I’ve been set free.

My therapist asked me what lesson I can learn from the things I cannot change after I told him how bothered I was by the stain on the couch, and I couldn’t possibly think what lesson I could learn from a stupid stain. But here I am, in a puddle of my own tears because it’s the biggest lesson one can learn. One I am learning over and over again.

Releasing the control; the grip we have on life and just letting Christ be who He always says He is.

Comforter. Healer. Redeemer.

If So Be

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“We are always falling in love or quarreling, looking for jobs or fearing to lose them, getting ill and recovering, following public affairs. If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come.” – C.S. Lewis

7:05AM alarm goes off – hit snooze.

7:15AM alarm goes off – hit snooze again.

7:30AM alarm -snooze.

You get the picture.

Until it’s 8:15AM and I’m forced to bring myself to wake. But instead of sitting at my closet, starring up at the clothes that I haven’t picked out for the day with only five minutes to get out the door – I roll out of bed, grab my laptop and get a cup of coffee to sit down to start a work day.

A day in the life of 2020 quarantine.

At the beginning of the year, they said that we had 20/20 vision. We have entered the roaring 20s.

Little did we know, that within a few months, a virus from China was going to break out into the United States and the whole world, sending us all into lockdown. The world as we know it, even almost a year later, is still so different compared to the carefree life we once kept. We wear masks whenever we are in buildings and in close proximity to other people. A toilet paper shortage and lack of cleaning supplies in stores was a normal occurrence. Purell hand sanitizer and Clorox cleaning wipes have become luxury items. People rampaged stores to buy food to stock up.

Unable to do anything about the situation we were all in, we went into survival mode.

We all worked from home, a good amount lost their jobs. We received a stimulus check from the government. Student loans were put on forbearance. The world was at a standstill. Playgrounds were closed down. Theaters, concert venues, any place with large gatherings, still are not permitted to open. Anxieties have increased, panic attacks a regular occurrence – the lonely became more lonely and suicide rates and domestic abuse have gone up.

But it’s all for the greater good right? It’s to fight an unseen enemy, one that can’t be brought down by artillery or diplomacy. It attacks the weak and the only thing that can fight against it is the victim’s immune system and the long awaited for vaccine. But the virus has become more than just a virus – it has defined 2020 and in the process many of our governing authorities have taken away our quality of living.

The elderly are quarantined in nursing homes, unable to hug their families but instead have a pane of glass separating them from the window. We are forced to be in our homes at certain times because of mandatory curfews. We are told that traveling for the holiday is a risk and gatherings of more than 10 in some places are banned.

If 2020 has taught us anything it’s been that people need people. Social media has made us more lonely and more depressed this year than ever before, and it’s because we are not called to live through screens. We long for human touch and the physical presence of others and we need each other. God didn’t make us to be alone.

But this is just a common issue amongst the masses – these hardships aren’t even taking into account the people who have had personal struggles or tragedies to deal with this year. A pandemic does not halt personal lives even though it seems as if everything is at a standstill.

People the closest to me have suffered so much – unrelated to COVID-19, but because of this virus, it has made these personal sufferings maximized and even harder to deal with. Every year is a survival, and 2020 was no exception to that.

At the beginning of this year, I was reading my Bible one snowy, January evening after the holidays and the phrase “If so be…” came up. I did a handy phrase search in my bible app and found that this phrase was pretty commonly used throughout the books in the Kings James version. It starts with a circumstance and ends with an assurance. If this happens, this will follow.

So if 2020 happens, Jesus will redeem it.

And 2020 did happen.

I don’t want to go into all the horrible things that happened this year – it’s just been hard. Sad. Tragic. Insert all the synonyms that have to do with those words.

And tiring.

As if a global pandemic wasn’t enough to deal with, racial injustice, protests/riots have marched the streets in almost every town. The 2020 elections happened and both sides of the political aisle are just as angry and frustrated as they were before. The social media and news sources have become more toxic than ever this year.

This is 2020 America. It’s been chaotic and heartbreaking. This is the world we are living in – and I don’t think it will get any easier.

But Christ is on our side.

“And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.” Romans 8:17

We will inherit the glory that is shared with Christ, but we also will share in suffering before sharing the glory that is to come.

But with all this hurt endured this year, there is healing and hope. Hope not placed on others nor in ourselves, but in Jesus, to redeem, to guide, to hold His children close. Matthew 11:28-39 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.“

How Much?

How much Lord?

The question rings in my ears daily, but not so shockingly, there is never an answer.

When my anxiety rises up to the point where I’m sitting at the foot of my bed, curled up in a ball. When my throat swells up to the point I feel like I can’t swallow and my heart is racing and my hands are sweating.

How much longer Lord? I ask as I wait for the panic to subside.

When the dashboard lights on my car light up like a Christmas tree and I have to take it in for maybe thousands of dollars worth of repairs.

Again Lord?

Health issues that cost thousands of dollars.

Why did you make me this way Lord?

Rewritten resumes, endless job applications.

What more do I need to do?

How much is in my control? Not much.

When I just don’t feel like I’m enough for anyone or anything.

How much more do I need to be?

But it’s in these moments of “it’s too much Lord.” that my tears well up. The world is against me and it’s just little old me fighting back.

But in those moments I feel it. The equivalent feeling of hearing the words “I’m here – I’m here in your pain, when the fears take over, I’m here even when your worries and anxieties stab into the integrity of My love for you.”

They say God never gives us more than what we can handle.

But I don’t believe that – I believe God gives us more than we can possibly handle at times so we go running back to Him, knowing full well we can’t handle it and we need to give it up.

So yes, sometimes and actually quite often – it is too much. But in the moments of too much, Christ says seek ME first, follow ME first, put ME first and I’ll cover all your needs.

I may ask over and over “How much Lord.” but it’s never too much for Him to handle.

So when the debt is high, the rent is due, the car troubles need fixed and my anxiety is drowning me. When I ask how much, He surrounds me saying “how much more til you let me in? How much more til you give it up? how much more til you reach for me? how much more when you fully understand how much I love you?”

I wonder if God asks the same question “how much?” when He sees the way the world is going, but He already knows. So we can rest in the certainty of Jesus, that He knows how much and how much longer and all those impatient questions we are longing for answers too.

It’s Not My Problem

I was scrolling through Instagram one day on my phone as one often does within intermittent periods of the day when I stopped and saw the most horrifying sight of a girl with skin stretched and shedding of her body due to a condition that she was born with at birth. Her parents, unable to take care of her for reasons not determined, they left her at a nearby orphanage.

One day, when she was maybe four years old, another child came in to visit the orphanage with her parents and started hugging her, asking her parents if they could take her home. The child’s mother happened to be a doctor – so with the ability to take care of a child with this condition, they adopted her.

One day, when they were out and about, a group of people saw her deformity and spit on her and called her names. Her now mother, was very upset. “Doesn’t that bother you?” she asked the little girl but she simply replied…

“No, it doesn’t bother me. Why should it? After all, it’s their problem, not mine.”

It hit home and even weeks after reading this story, I still have those words etched in my brain. “It’s their problem, not mine…”

You know when people treat you badly, and you let that resentment and bitterness set in, you live regretfully because you wonder “what is it that I could do?” but you need to realize that how people treat you is not in your control, you only have control over how you react and how you let it effect you.

When we look in the mirror, maybe we don’t see outward deformities like the little girl in this story, but we see something inside that makes us hate ourselves and live in comparison to others. Why am I not more like that girl? Why was I not enough for that one person? Why was I told these horrible things and they get to just move on and be happy?

Hurt people hurt people as they say. But Jesus takes that hurt and gives us the strength to move forward.

But it’s important to remember that how someone treats you is not your problem, and if you actually do have a “problem”, if they can’t treat you with love when they address it, then are they really loving you in a Christ-like way? Again, your reaction is the only thing you can control.

Remember that next time someone treats you as insignificant or makes you feel unworthy or is just trying to one-up you for no reasons only to make themselves feel better…

Remember the little girl who lived courageously above.

Remember that they got the problems and you don’t have to bear their burdens.

A Box of “Junk”

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I noticed my big hat box up in my closet was starting to get full as I absentmindedly peaked inside. Surely I can get rid of some stuff in this box without having to upgrade.

I decided to open it up and rummage through it to see if something was worth keeping or throwing in the trash.

The funny thing is – this box…in a way has become somewhat of a diary.

A rusty old penny lays at the bottom; a piece of a cracker jacks box sits beside it, and a mask that lay on top is broken in pieces – if a stranger found this box they wouldn’t know what to do with it. If anything they would think someone was a pack rat, but the only person that knows what everything means is the person that put them there in the first place…which is me.

There are pieces of confetti thrown throughout because I grabbed handfuls and put them in my pockets at the end of a Big Time Rush concert back when I was a young teen. There is an old Chinese take out menu and sticky notes with ineligible handwriting scribbled on them. An assortment of movie tickets, birthday cards and notes for the sake of because. College acceptance letters and deans list notices of congratulations.

It’s not the things though – it’s what they represent. The people I was with. Or what I was doing at that moment in time.

And the funny thing is not all of the things in this box represent really “good” memories. Some of them make me a little teary eyed when I hold them in my hand. It’s a flash back. A moment that gets remembered. And then vanishes away with some relief.

Although some of the things in here are pretty cool and sentimental. It’s the things that are so ordinary and trivial in this box that are the things I hold onto the most.

Those Russian rubles? Yeah, they need to be exchanged for some actual spendable dollar bills.

That converse sneaker? My first key chain when I got my permit that proudly hung the keys to my parent’s minivan.

Notes from little campers who thought I was somewhat cool.

That name tag from my nursing assistant days.

That photo album? Yeah, I got a disposable camera for Christmas and proceeded to use up all the film in the course of one day. Lots of action packed moments in there featuring my sisters and our hamster Freddie.

This box makes me miss adolescence but it also reminds me of all the growth I have gone through and the love I received and keep receiving.

So when the need for a bigger box arises so be it. I’ll keep putting my odd little momentums inside as the years ago by…maybe I’ll upgrade to a trunk.

I do want to say though, next time you feel like you’re small and unwanted – don’t. Look inside your metaphorical box (or physical or heck start one…I don’t know) and remember all the people that care so much about you and all the blessings and love Christ has given you.

That’s all for now.

Love,

Trudi