It’s been a while dear old corner. It’s not that I have forgotten about you, it’s simply that I have forgotten how to write. Such sappy posts grace this corner of the internet but all in the attempt of being honest and for some dear soul to find these writings and find some remanence of peace and understanding. Loneliness, grief, goodbyes of the bitterest or most sorrowful type, and joy that sometimes I forgot to make room for in all the struggles of “just getting by”.
But here I am, back again. Halfway through my Master’s program, gearing up for another busy season of life, but looking back on all that once was and all that is to come with a newfound understanding.
Life goes on.
My dad said this to me on one tearful car ride, my first year away from home. Life keeps going. You pick yourself up.
Previous generations have picked themselves up by their bootstraps and in some ways, I think we need to continue to do this. As a dear friend’s mom said to her once, “sometimes we are too honest” and there is something very, if not poetic, realistic, about that statement.
Life goes on and sometimes we don’t need to be so honest.
Not that we have to lie or that we have to not address the problems that we are dealing with, nor should we hide our struggles to the point they overtake us.
In a safe space, we can bring out struggles into the light, where they can no longer grow past the little shadows on the wall. The darkness cannot overcome the light.
Five years ago, I set out on a journey to figure out who I am. I found myself in deep conversations with friends, long-distance FaceTimes, Sunday night movies, traveling for work, advocating for a minority in foreign lands, figuring out how to stand up for myself, and finding silence says more than a million words can.
I found out more about myself when I stopped trying to be impressive. Along the way, you find out who your friends are and you figure out how you can be a good friend…and believe me, I have failed in so many ways. I forget to call when I say I should; I forget to make time and think about my personal convenience rather than selflessly look to see how I can be helpful those in my life. But the beauty of Christ-centered relationships is that you can fail, but there is grace for that.
I’ve found grace upon grace upon grace and more and more until I don’t know how Christ could possibly give me anymore. It’s always there in unlimited supply. Forgiveness. Love. Promises that will not be broken by a loving Father.
Promises that can be easily broken by those in our lives, but that’s when we have to step back and remember, humans loving humans are bound to fail and if we put all our stock in that one person or that group of people, we will find it desperately unsatisfying and quite frankly depressing.
Because friends forget to text back. They forget to call when they say they will. They forget to keep up with your life when you so desperately want someone to ask “how ya been?”, and you have all the tea to be spilled and the longing to be heard and seen and cared for.
It can be a bitter cup to swallow that the people who were so dearly close at some point become arm’s length to miles away in your personal closeness, but it doesn’t mean your friendship is over, it just hit a new season, and sometimes the season never changes from winter, but sometimes…sometimes it becomes spring, and your friendship or relationship is more beautiful than it has ever been.
And it’s okay to go through the seasons of cold winter and its also okay to say goodbye.
When I remember that Jesus loves me, regardless of all that I try to measure up to be, it makes life so much easier and free. Yes, FREEING. This seems so strange as most look at the Bible as a set of rules and regulations that need to strictly be followed, but when you focus on Jesus, the rules, the sins you need to fight against, have a purpose. A purpose to fight for good; a purpose to focus on all things good and true, yes, it’s so freeing to no longer be chained to my earthly desires and gratifications that give me so much unrest; which causes me to go further into darkness until I can no longer see where I’m going.
So, life goes on, yes, five years, and it keeps going and going. The fresh-out-of-college graduate is now far closer to her 30s than her 20s.
And there is still more to live, as long as Christ gives me breath.
How is this for another sappy post in this corner?
Here are some truths I have found out in my post-grad life/farther from adolescent/somewhat more mature but still immature in ways…
- Life isn’t about you
- It’s not always going to go the way you wish
- You can still experience joy even when it looks rather dark and hard to get through whatever it is
- You’re not alone
- Life is better when we stop making room for ALL the feelings we feel, you don’t always have to validate every emotion
- We don’t need to be so honest when we are hurt
- We can bring our hurt to a safe place, to Jesus and a trusted ally
- We don’t need to rush through life
- Life will keep going and it will be a lot of things, you can trust that
- Sometimes you don’t need to get what you want
- Christ will always get you through
- Don’t rely on your own strength
- Be willing to be wrong
- Be willing to be corrected (yes, this is different than being wrong and it’s much harder, believe me).
- It only takes 30 minutes to workout and feel good and that’s a drop in the bucket in your Netflix marathon
- You’re going to mess up and make bad choices – don’t sit in the bad, move forward and seek Jesus
- That relationship that makes you miserable – is not worth it and it’s not worth either of your time on both ends
- You don’t need to be right and you don’t need to be the smartest
- You do though need to be willing to learn – and grow!
- Prioritize your time with your values – and that means if you value your friendships, make time for them! If you value your health – make time to exercise! Your values should dictate your time.
- You love Jesus – make time for His word!!!
I’m sure there are more of my truth statements that I wish I would have told myself in my high school years, but I think the most drastic one I will say is what I read in my devotions on prayer. Prayer doesn’t change God’s plans…it changes our hearts. If it worries you; stresses you; makes you anxious; holds fear over you; causes you to doubt the future or pains you from the past – pray about it. Pray away because that safety, that treasured times we have in the His presence, He will remember our cries. He’ll honor our prayers in His time – and if we don’t get what we want, we will get what we need.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope”
Jeremiah 29:11
My Awkward Little Corner 