How Much?

How much Lord? 

The question rings in my ears daily, but not so shockingly, there is never an answer.

When my anxiety rises up to the point where I’m sitting at the foot of my bed, curled up in a ball. When my throat swells up to the point I feel like I can’t swallow and my heart is racing and my hands are sweating.

How much longer Lord? I ask as I wait for the panic to subside.

When the dashboard lights on my car light up like a Christmas tree and I have to take it in for maybe thousands of dollars worth of repairs.

Again Lord? 

Health issues that cost thousands of dollars.

Why did you make me this way Lord?

Rewritten resumes, endless job applications.

What more do I need to do?

How much is in my control? Not much.

When I just don’t feel like I’m enough for anyone or anything.

How much more do I need to be?

But it’s in these moments of “it’s too much Lord.” that my tears well up. The world is against me and it’s just little old me fighting back.

But in those moments I feel it. The equivalent feeling of hearing the words “I’m here – I’m here in your pain, when the fears take over, I’m here even when your worries and anxieties stab into the integrity of My love for you.”

They say God never gives us more than what we can handle.

But I don’t believe that – I believe God gives us more than we can possibly handle at times so we go running back to Him, knowing full well we can’t handle it and we need to give it up.

So yes, sometimes and actually quite often – it is too much. But in the moments of too much, Christ says seek ME first, follow ME first, put ME first and I’ll cover all your needs.

I may ask over and over “How much Lord.” but it’s never too much for Him to handle.

So when the debt is high, the rent is due, the car troubles need fixed and my anxiety is drowning me. When I ask how much, He surrounds me saying “how much more til you let me in? How much more til you give it up? how much more til you reach for me? how much more when you fully understand how much I love you?”

I wonder if God asks the same question “how much?” when He sees the way the world is going, but He already knows. So we can rest in the certainty of Jesus, that He knows how much and how much longer and all those impatient questions we are longing for answers too.