My Heart

I just want to be honest. I realize that admitting to my imperfections won’t make me a better person. I realize that saying “I’m only human” is kind of a lame excuse as well. I am human. I am Trudi. One of a kind, but not my own. I am a child of God, a sinner saved by grace in need of constant forgiveness by a constant forgiver. Jesus.

I know it is a Sunday school answer. But it is the truth. Jesus is the answer to every struggling, fearing, anxious heart. It doesn’t mean the life of being a Christian is easy. In fact, the simplicity of loving Jesus and giving it all over to Him is complicated because we make it complicated. 

Because we are humans. We are so set on making simple answer complex, but it’s actually really easy and it’s okay that the answer is easy. It doesn’t make the process easier. It doesn’t make believing it easier. It just means we know the answer to all our wants and needs in this life is easy but do we live the answer as if we believe that Jesus is truly the answer to our problems?

No. We don’t.

I am going to lay out a piece of my heart right now that I hope won’t be trampled on. I am going to admit one of my many worldly struggles. 

Makeup.

Self worth.

Wanting to appear as something I’m not.

Wanting to appear perfect to others.

I realized that every time I bought more makeup, my heart was instantaneously happy. I always had trouble with my outward appearance and how I appeared to others, that this instant gratification with makeup (as well as clothing) made me feel better about myself.

But it didn’t make me a different person.

I can put on all the fine clothes and as much makeup as my heart desired. I could cover up the dark circles under my eyes, but my tired heart still showed through. Deep inside I am the person I don’t like and it’s harder to change the person inside then it is outward. 

That was when I realized it was a heart issue. My heart longs for perfection, but there is no perfection outside of Christ and His love for us. I idealize how I wish to look, or how I wish to appear to others as an all together well rounded and “I have everything figured out with my life” type of person but the truth is, I could list a million things that went wrong with my heart today and my time.

But I’m not going to do that.

Because I’m not pointing my imperfections out to make me seem like a humble person. I’m not humble. I’m selfish. I can go on and say that everything is okay because Jesus loves me and I love Him, but you and I both know that the struggle is still there. The constant choice to love Him or love myself.

Or put others before Him simply because I care more about what other people think then Jesus.

Oh, but now that I’ve realized this, everything is okay now and tomorrow Jesus will be put first in everything that I do.

Wrong. Because I know tomorrow my imperfect heart will lead me astray.

But thankfully, Jesus saved, saves and will always save.

So, I’m done covering up my heart with the metaphorical makeup that washes away. Jesus is permanent in this temporary existence to eternity. He is and will always be.