A New Year

Happy New Year!

I was sitting at my desk on New Year’s Eve thinking about what to write…but all that came out was an emotional spilling that just made me feel sorry and discontent.

Now that we have crossed the threshold into 2016 and my mind isn’t bubbling with nostalgia, I’m going to just sit here for a little bit and try to figure out what I can say that hasn’t already been said on this dear little corner of mine.

To be honest, because I usually am…2016 looks pretty much the same as 2015.  There are still things to accomplish and fears to face, but maybe I can have a stronger, more sure step this year then in 2015.

By all means, I’m 20 years old now.  Maybe I will give you some wise insight from this unwise mind of mine and tell you what I have learned over the past year.

The first thing is that I have grown.  Not in height sadly, but in maturity…although even that doesn’t look like much sometimes. I’ve learned to let go of things and people that at the time I thought I could never let go of.  I’ve learned to say no but also yes…I can’t tell you which is the scariest to say.  I’ve also learned to ask for help when needed…and that is probably the hardest thing for me to do.  I’ve made friends that will last a lifetime, met new people; gone new places & revisited the familiar. 

And even with all the bad…I can say that it was a good year and I really do have a wonderful life.

But you see, my year of change really didn’t happen.  I found that this “threshold” I talked about in my last New Year post wasn’t really a threshold, but a barrier.  A barrier that still needs to be overcome, that sometimes I can break through, but inevitably comes back up again.

That barrier is me and circumstance.  It’s a constant battle.  I talk all big about opportunity and change, but when the moment arrives for this said change and opportunity to happen, I get scared. My social anxiety gets the better of me.  I make up every excuse in the book.  I run and hide because that is my instinct. And I realize this.  But it doesn’t make it easier to breakdown my barrier.  Not even the changing of the year will make a difference because it’s what inside me…not in the year.

Tomorrow I will still be the same. The difference is what 365 days will bring until we are back here again, reminiscing about the bulk of it all, compacted into 2016.

But I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t want to measure by the length of days, but by how deep the day is.  I want my accomplishments and activities to have more meaning then how many.  If you understand what I am saying.  The thing is, as much as I have grown in 2015, one never stops growing.  My maturity level probably went up a few centimeters, but it still has a long ways to go. These barriers, probably will be my struggle for the rest of my life.  Whether that be my anxiety or stress…or whatever emotional or physical state I go up against.  But I can rest easy for I have the ultimate force on my side that will never leave me.  My faith.  My Jesus.  My Savior. It all comes down to Him.  No matter what this life has in store, when the act of trying doesn’t seem good enough; when my heart feels worn and heavy, can I not give it all to Him? My prayers, my praise, everything that I do.  I know it’s easier to say, that when it comes down to it, how many moments of the day do I forget Him in the middle of call lights, bubble sheets, early mornings and frost bitten cheeks? My grumbling heart never ceases to be discontent, but His love is steadfast…and how underserving I am of it!

This morning I heard something on the radio that caused me to think, and pardon my paraphrasing (it might not be correct). The radio announcer said something along the lines that life is full of good opportunities but that doesn’t mean those opportunities are guaranteed good outcomes.  So maybe that is my lesson to go forth into this new year that is already four days old.  Life isn’t fair, it holds lots of opportunities to go out and chase, but there is no guarantee that the outcomes will go in my favor.  The only guarantee in this life is Jesus and what’s in store of us in Heaven.

~ Trudi